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Original poster

My son

76 replies

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 12:56

Hi there

just need some advice on behalf of my son

hes currently split from he’s ex of 10 years .they were not married but have a young son who hasn’t started school yet. They both own a property in joint tennants

my sone pays for the full mortgage and child maintenance. And he did all other bills until he handed back to her earlier in the year

my son currently lives with me as he can’t financially get anywhere else as he’s paying the mortgage and is tied up

shes currently on benifits and UC and maybe other things. And in and out of low income work

my son has been to a solicitor and they have hense that she should be paying half and they recommend something called a TOLATA .

all my son wants is the sell the house and take he’s half of the equity of whatever it will be and move on with he’s life and she’s moves on with hers

can anyone give any advice on this matter please

thank you

OP posts:
JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 03/10/2023 13:26

What dies he want, a medal? His ex is also providing a roof out her son's head. I'm sick of mediocre dad's being praised as though they are single-handedly providing and caring for their children when the truth is they do the bare minimum.

Blough · 03/10/2023 13:27

OP: how can my adult son get out of paying the mortgage on his house?

Also OP: my son pays for a roof over his kids head 🤩

He needs to parent his kid. This is obvious. If he refuses, he needs to contribute to paying for childcare, because the primary carer also needs to work.

sadaboutmycat · 03/10/2023 13:28

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:09

She could possibly move on with her share of the equity

he can’t see him much more really as he works and needs to pay for the house the ex lives in

But can't see that this means that she can't work?
I was the woman in this situation and have never fully recovered financially

WallaceinAnderland · 03/10/2023 13:29

pays for the roof over there heads and child maintenance and looks after him on the agreed times

what more can he possibly do?

Pay 50% of the mortgage and do 50% of the childcare.

So that his ex can do the same. What could be fairer?

Bleuwich · 03/10/2023 13:30

He doesn’t have to pay child maintenance and the mortgage,child maintenance will confirm this.
He can apply to force the sale of the home they will look at the housing needs of both her and your son. It’s not just a given that she will get to keep the house until the child’s 18 etc they will take everything into account and her not being able to afford the property is apart of that.

AlohaRose · 03/10/2023 13:36

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:17

My son

pays for the roof over there heads and child maintenance and looks after him on the agreed times

what more can he possibly do?

just live at mine forever and can’t move on?

I think that's called parenting? You present this as if your son was some sort of angelic being for providing the minimum needed for his child? If your son can't work, look after his child more than once a week and every other weekend, how is his ex magically supposed to work, while covering the other 4 (and a half?) days of the week and every second weekend?

bigshort · 03/10/2023 13:38

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:20

The equity would be enough wouldnt it ?

How do we know if there even is any equity?

QforCucumber · 03/10/2023 13:43

ah, a man who has his child 3/4 nights out of 14 and yet thinks he's doing his fair share.

I ask you @Pool123 How does the mother of your grandchild hold down a steady Monday - Friday 9-5 job while caring for her child? Your son does it BECAUSE she is childcare. I guess he could pay her the going rate for a childminder, then she'd have a job and would be able to pay her 'share' of the mortgage wouldn't she? or is that somehow different?

Original poster
Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:45

What I dont quite understand is

they have split up - there for there shouldnt be any financial ties anymore other than the maintenance that’s been agreed

both move on

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 03/10/2023 13:48

How does this sound OP. Your son moves back in, she moves out and leaves the child with your son. She can then work full time and pay half the mortgage and child maintenance and your son can deal with the rest. That's fair right?

FinallyHere · 03/10/2023 13:48

it’s seems like she’s dragging her heels along and buying time

How is child care currently split evenly and how is it envisioned for the future.

It's all very well suggesting the mother starts to earn and be independent but honestly, it's just not so easy.

Saying the mother needs to claim benefit is a bit of a poor reflection on the child's father

Brokendaughter · 03/10/2023 13:48

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:17

My son

pays for the roof over there heads and child maintenance and looks after him on the agreed times

what more can he possibly do?

just live at mine forever and can’t move on?

So what you are saying is he was only okay with putting a roof over his own sons head while the mother had sex with him, but now it's some sort of favour to the child he created & the woman who cares for his son most of the time.

Tell him to cost up the price of a nanny to do everything the mother does & he'll soon see he's getting a bargain.

If his very special job has to come first so he isn't taking responsibility for his child 50% of the time, then he can't expect her to get a full time job to fit round what he feels like doing or not.
Even if she did, it still wouldn't relieve him of the responsibility to support his child & put a roof over his head.

He doesn't get to 'move on' from his child just because it would be easier & he'd have more money if he abandoned them.

Selling the house out from under them purely for his own benefit is a dick move.

otherwayup · 03/10/2023 13:48

Your son is behaving dreadfully and you're enabling him 😳
He's able to work because he barely sees his child and doesn't have any childcare issues.

Are you totally unable to see it from anyone else's viewpoint?!
Can you imagine how hard it must be for his ex?

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 03/10/2023 13:52

Pool123 · 03/10/2023 13:17

My son

pays for the roof over there heads and child maintenance and looks after him on the agreed times

what more can he possibly do?

just live at mine forever and can’t move on?

She can't pay a mortgage and all bills because she's looking after the child your son created. So either he looks after the child so she can work full time or he compensates her for taking on his share of parental responsibilities. He's clearly a shit father who doesn't want the former so he's left with the latter.

MrsRachelDanvers · 03/10/2023 13:54

When I split from my husband, we sold our house and got 2 smaller places. I took more equity. I worked and claimed childcare element of tax credits. My ex never paid childcare-but he did pay child maintenance. We both thought this was pretty fair.

heldinadream · 03/10/2023 13:56

What do you mean by 'move on'? He can't move on from being a parent because he is one now, forever. Just like you are to him - you've taken him in because he's your son and you still feel connection and responsibility and hopefully love for him, as he should continue to do for his own child.
So he can't move on in that sense because the co-parenting and all it entails, all the sharing and cooperating and working out what's best for THE CHILD now has to go on and on. Do you both see that?

Dessertinthedesert · 03/10/2023 13:58

The morality of the situation is a side issue. You’ve posted in legal section asking for legal advice but your son has a solicitor who he is paying for legal advice. Why would you post on a forum for advice when he is paying for a professional for this?

Blough · 03/10/2023 13:58

Going by the strange replies she’s typed so far, I don’t think OP is going to grasp the fact that her son needs to parent his kid.

MatchingPendants · 03/10/2023 13:59

Can this be real?

LIZS · 03/10/2023 13:59

Even if she gets a share of equity she may not qualify for a mortgage without being able to work. So the equity will deplete if renting.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 03/10/2023 14:05

They need to financially separate. This such a common problem when people separate, married or not. I think the only way forward is for your ds to sign the house over to his ex and walk away from the equity (provided she can get a mortgage). He isn't giving her the house as such, more ensuring a roof over his dc's head. Most separated men I know have had to do this and effectively start up again. Tell him to get legal advice on how to do this.
The other option is for him to buy her out of the property and she moves out, which would be cold given our housing crisis.
If your ds wants his half of the equity, he needs to take 50% of the responsibility of his child to allow his ex to work.

burnoutbabe · 03/10/2023 14:07

This is the legal forum isn't it?

Legally not married but do own the house as joint tenants therefore be can use toilata (a trust law) to ask the court to order a sale.

Then will be split 50/50 but some account may be taken if one paid mortgage and other stopped. They may say he can't force sake die to young child but there seems no reason why she can't use equity to move or rent? That restriction would usually just apply to say someone with kids in a special local school. He can of course also move back into the house until sold.

Separately, child maintenance would be payable.

So 2 separate issues.

izzygirlis4 · 03/10/2023 14:07

They aren't married and if he is joint owner he is entitled to 50/50 on house. If she won't agree to sell he will have to make application. To court to sell. TLATA application

She could make an application under schedule 1 children's act to remain in house until child is 18. U likely to succeed if she can't afford the house.

Has he told CMS he is paying mortgage? They should reduce amount of CMS accordingly as he is paying to keep roof over child's head.

Anothershitusername · 03/10/2023 14:11

So he’s in full time work ,with no childcare issues ,because she’s looking after his child ..so no wonder she can’t hold down a job ,with the cost of childcare.
why you offer to look after the child full time so they can both work .
or your son ,looks after the child so she can work
how the hell do u expect her to pay half the bills and still look after the child ,or pay for nursery and the bills …she can’t …wake up grandma and smell the coffee ..
and get your son to do his share of childcare

MintJulia · 03/10/2023 14:11

They are two adults who share one child. That child is pre-school & needs care.

So either they can both work, and share the £1500 a month childcare bill - IF they can find any childcare. Or your son works while she stays at home and cares for their son.

Your son needs to have a calm discussion with his ex. What work can she get and how well is it paid? What did she do before having a baby? If it's minimum wage, it may not be worth her working. How long until the child goes to school?

Once the child is at school, the childcare bill will be much smaller and the mother can reasonably find work and wrap around care. This will enable her to provide a home for their child using half the proceeds of the family home as a deposit. Plus child maintenance from your son.

This may take time. Without 6 months in a secure job, she may not be able to rent. Being a single mum and finding a landlord who will take her is not easy. Has your son looked for alternative homes for them? Has he offered to take his son every evening so she can work in the evenings or go back to college to improve her chances of earning a decent wage? What else has he suggested?

Your ds doesn't get to throw his child out on the street, without ensuring some alternative provision. He has a duty of care that lasts for 18 years.