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Original poster

Child maintenance pay after 16yrs old

88 replies

Muddays · 15/08/2023 15:09

Firstly, has anyone actually spoken on the phone to any human at the CBA (Citizens Advice Bureau)?
I have tried to contact them repeatedly but no one seems to work there...
My partner is having trouble with his ex wife re weekly payments that have been paid but we know none of them go towards his daughter.
He wants to pay for his child but wants her to get any money directly. She's left school but will be starting an art course at college that she doesn't want to do because her mother wants the still in education benefits. The daughter wants to do work experience and get a job in a practical profession that she will definitely do well in. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muddays · 15/08/2023 15:56

An avalanche of benefits defnotrocket...

OP posts:
Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 16:02

Muddays · 15/08/2023 15:42

@Poorlilthing yes, I've been involved for over 8 years and I get on very well with the daughter. The mother as I formerly said is a sociopath who is a narcissistic bully. I am the only one who seems able to stand up to her and whilst I understand people projecting their own issues onto this situation, it's not helpful.

So for at least 8 years this girl has endured this abuse and no doubt longer

and neither you nor or her father have ever involved social services?

and why didn’t he pursue custody when she was a much younger child?

SheilaFentiman · 15/08/2023 16:03

What is it that you would like CAB to do?

Genuine question, though I appreciate it might sound slightly GF!

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 16:03

How does it feel to be married to someone who doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his ex in the face of abuse towards his young daughter?

babyproblems · 15/08/2023 16:04

She should have free choice about whether she goes to college or not. Statistically in terms of earning she would be better to attend college than to join an apprenticeship programme.
She should make this choice without having to consider her parents’ issues. I think your role is to be supportive of all sides and remain diplomatic. If she is indeed clothed/housed/fed then I doubt her mother is wasting all her money. You can’t police how she spends - that’s entirely her choice.

Winewednesday · 15/08/2023 16:06

There is anything you can do as the child is in college. Child maintenance covers a proportion of the living costs for the child. If the child has somewhere to live, food and clothes then it is being used correctly.

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 16:06

Ugzbugz · 15/08/2023 15:20

How much does your DH give her a month?

How often does she stay with you?

SheilaFentiman · 15/08/2023 16:09

The CAB is primarily staffed by volunteers, so people may be on holiday at present.

caringcarer · 15/08/2023 16:31

Does none of the money go on mortgage/rent? If so is the accommodation your DSD lives in already bought outright? Does none of this maintenance pay for food for your dad to eat or does the girl's mother not feed her? Does the girl's mother pay electricity/gas /water and does DSD shower and have food cooked for her or use electricity for her laptop, music and phone charging? If the girl's mother does not feed her, let her use water for showering, and is not accommodating her with a bed, or buying her clothes to wear, then your DH could complain. CSM is for contributing towards the upkeep of DSD not her personal spending money. Few children who leave school at 16 unless they can get an apprenticeship will find work with many career opportunities. It just sounds like your DH can't let go of his ex-wife and is poking his nose into his exw business. It is none of his business or yours if she parties or not. As I said if the DSD was not being fed, had no bed or clothes then your DH could complain.

Original poster
Muddays · 15/08/2023 17:03

Ok my rarely dull, rabid, bored lionesses. I thank you for your advice and it certainly looks like the weekly payments will continue. We are in constant communication with his daughter who is as safe as we can make her. We have always and will continue to love and support her and she's an intelligent, funny, caring and strong young lady thanks to her father. Insulting him is ignorant. Like most people found out about Mr Depp, there are an unpleasant few who seek to ruin the genuinely good nature of someone, then viciously judge without knowing anything about them.

OP posts:
Winewednesday · 15/08/2023 17:12

I think perhaps your accusations of the mother is very similar to how you are being on this thread. You have accused the mother of not using the maintenance for the good of the child, yet the child is clothed, fed and housed, which is what the maintenance is for. Please don't waste the time of CAB.

titchy · 15/08/2023 17:18

She's SUPPOSED to be in education till 18 so I'm not sure what education benefits her mother will be losing by her going to college.

And as others have said your dp has to keep paying CM. I'm not sure why you think none of it goes towards your sd - does she not eat, use electricity, water at her mothers house then? Or does she wild camp and forage for her own food Hmm

arethereanyleftatall · 15/08/2023 17:27

Muddays · 15/08/2023 15:51

@ItsNotRocketSalad really? She's homeless and starving now? You got that from troll-land where everyone is as swampy as you eh?

She got that from you saying it in your op.

You said all the CM is spent on partying. The implication therefore is that the mum is spending zero on housing and feeding her daughter.

Original poster
Muddays · 15/08/2023 17:29

@Winewednesday we constantly pay extra money on top of the weekly payment, for her apparent additional expensive clothes, social/educational requirements, are regularly told she can't go out unless we pay for her entry/travel tickets, and things like swimming costumes, designer trainers, food, computer games, iPhone apps to name just a handful of things. I am fed up of being held to ransom by a professional grifter. Just so you know, we have a family too and we have really tried to make this work harmoniously instead of it being unbelievably and unnecessarily stressful.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2023 17:30

If the father is really concerned about his child’s welfare, he shouldn’t be living 2 hours away.

no 16yo living at home needs child maintenance. I had child maintenance paid directly to me, but I didn’t live with a parent and had to pay for housing and food.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 15/08/2023 17:35

iPhone apps that cost money? Is it 2005? 😂

arethereanyleftatall · 15/08/2023 17:36

This is quite confusing. You claim to be doing all you can for her and yet when she was 8 years old, and thus it was still easy to move and start afresh, she didn't and you both let your step daughter stay with a sociopath who is a narcissistic mother who spends all her money partying? Why didn't your husband get full custody?

AndyMcFlurry · 15/08/2023 17:36

BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 15:11

If she's at college then he has to pay his ex.
If she leaves her college course and starts working or doing an apprenticeship then he can transfer the money directly to his daughter.

This.

The Uk is full of dads who don’t do most of the work of caring for their kids but are very critical of the mother who does. And who don’t want to pay child maintenance because Reasons.

But if the DD is going to get a job she can just move into a flat share and her father can support her financially. That way she doesn’t have to do a college course she doesn’t want to. And your partner gets to pay her directly, just as he wants to. It’s a win win.

Of course it will probably cost him a lot more but I’m sure he won’t mind that , to get her away from his ex and pay His DD direct. Because it’s all about her happiness isn’t it, that’s the most important thing.

Original poster
Muddays · 15/08/2023 17:37

@Ponderingwindow are you serious??? Do you have the luxury of choosing where you live?? Let the world know your secret. The only real option like permanently living in a tent isn't realistic with children with special needs I'm afraid.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 15/08/2023 17:37

“Like most people found out about Mr Depp, there are an unpleasant few who seek to ruin the genuinely good nature of someone, then viciously judge without knowing anything about them.”

What the heck does this mean?

Winewednesday · 15/08/2023 17:38

@MuMuddays I totally get the frustration. The minimum amount that CSA advise to be paid should be paid directly to the mother whilst the child is in education. If you are paying in addition to that then I don't see any harm in paying the child directly. This information you hadn't included in you post or other comments. If you stop paying the extra to the mother and she stops allowing the child to participate in things then that is unfair, however some parents will threat to stop something but wouldn't. It is up to your DP to have that conversation though. I think your comments towards other posters have been a little unfair.

Original poster
Muddays · 15/08/2023 17:41

@Winewednesday yeah, you're probably right. Thanks for being the calming breeze though. A little bit of kindness goes a long way these days.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 17:44

She's SUPPOSED to be in education till 18 so I'm not sure what education benefits her mother will be losing by her going to college.
She can get an apprenticeship which comes with a wage so child maintenance and child related benefits like child benefit ends.
In practice the government are not checking if 16 and 17 year olds are in education or training so a person that age could work without repercussions but the resident parent can't claim benefits or maintenance for them.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 17:46

Op like a PP said I would pay the CM to the mum but pay dd any extra like the clothes. I assume she has a bank account but if not, you could help her get one so she can buy stuff with any money that you send her.

titchy · 15/08/2023 17:55

BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 17:44

She's SUPPOSED to be in education till 18 so I'm not sure what education benefits her mother will be losing by her going to college.
She can get an apprenticeship which comes with a wage so child maintenance and child related benefits like child benefit ends.
In practice the government are not checking if 16 and 17 year olds are in education or training so a person that age could work without repercussions but the resident parent can't claim benefits or maintenance for them.

But she's not wanting an apprenticeship Confused