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Original poster

Husband's grandmother committed suicide but family haven't been informed by police

47 replies

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 14:25

Hi all, this is my first time posting therefore I'm not entirely sure if I have posted this on the right section.

On Friday (21 July 23), my father-in-law (FIL) who lives in a middle European country phoned my husband at around 11am and told him that the care home had told FIL that his mum (FIL's mum) has committed suicide. She jumped off from the rooftop balcony (5th floor) at the care home the day before (20 July 23). The whole family is deeply sadden and shocked by the news. Despite the care home has notified my FIL, the police haven't contacted the family. It's Saturday afternoon now, we still haven't heard anything from the police. The care home simply said over the phone that they were told by the police that the police will inform the family.

My husband has since found out that there's a weather camera on top of the care home building and we had watched the entire recording second by second and found a shadow at 20:50 on Thursday 20 July which looks like grandma standing at the roof top but there's no recording of her jumping off.

Grandma had suffered from depression however she was always happy whenever we visited her. My question is that, why hasn't the police informed the close relatives about this? I assumed that they must have her body and is doing some sort of investigation. Shall my FIL phone the police to find out what happens or shall we wait until the police to contact us?

OP posts:

Bromptotoo · 22/07/2023 14:27

Am I right in understanding that the death was outside of the UK?

Totaly · 22/07/2023 14:27

Phone the coroner?

Hoppinggreen · 22/07/2023 14:27

That sounds very difficult but this happened abroad and you haven’t said which country so I am not sure how anyone here can offer any practical advice
I am sorry for your loss

Meadowfly · 22/07/2023 14:29

How awful for you all. Maybe as FIL has already been told they consider that the family are aware?

Original poster

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 14:29

Yes the death is outside of the UK. The care home wasn't able to tell us when this happened but according to the weather camera footage, we could see grandma on the roof top a few times from 7:30-8:50pm but no sign of her afterwards.

OP posts:

Thistooshallpsss · 22/07/2023 14:30

It might be possible for your fil to contact the British Embassy in the country he is in for additional assistance and advice.

Original poster

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 14:30

It is in Hungary.

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 22/07/2023 15:01

Sorry for your loss.

I would ring the police.

Suicide is often impulsive. We know from people who survive suicide attempts that the decision to die can be sudden and that the impulse to die usually passes quickly.

Amongst those who have seen mental health services prior to dying, most suicides are by people whom MH professionals have rated as low risk. The fact that your MIL seemed happy does not exclude suicide and seems very much more likely than someone forcing her up off the roof.

RedHelenB · 22/07/2023 15:04

Was anyone else up on the roof with her?

MissHoollie · 22/07/2023 15:07

I think he should call th police and hopefully find out more

mnahmnah · 22/07/2023 15:18

Is you mr FIL in Hungary? If so, he is best placed to phone or visit the police and ask for information.

Original poster

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 15:51

Thank you all for your reply. Really appreciated! We watched the weather camera recording again and found no one else was there apart from that one shadow. It's difficult to tell whether it's definitely grandma as every 1 second recording reflects 2 minutes in real time but from the back, you can tell it's a grey hair elderly and grandma has full grey hair. At around 23:00 there was some blue light flashing in the recording we assumed it's the ambulance or the police.

FIL is the only child and was very close to his mother. He is so distressed and is crying over the phone every time we talked to him. He said he will wait until Monday then contact the police if they don't contact him.

FIL said the care home had contacted him 3 weeks ago and said grandma was behaving oddly. They referred her to the hospital and she was diagnosed of depression. The doctor initially thought she was having a brain stroke but all the examinations done showed that Grandma was physically fit for a 86-yea-old. Grandma had suspected the cleaners stealing her belongings and even wrote to my husband on fb about this on 16 July but we thought she was just a bit confused due to old age. She told FIL to take her bank cards away as she won't need them and to avoid the cleaners stealing them. But FIL didn't because he thought she will need it.

We will just wait until FIL calms down a bit. He's so fractured at the moment.

OP posts:

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 22/07/2023 16:16

Can we just confirm - so is your FiL Hungarian too and is he in Hungary?

nasanas · 22/07/2023 16:25

I don't understand why you think the police would be informing you of something you already know?

Original poster

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 16:27

Yes father is Hungarian and is in Hungary.

OP posts:

Original poster

peacefulworld · 22/07/2023 16:36

I think the police should definitely have informed my FIL as soon as they have attended the scene as surely it's the police's duty to inform close relatives of such an incident? The care home is not an enforcement and I guess they only told FIL the follow day because they still have grandma's belongs there. Since I've started the post I came across this info and I have asked my MIL to reach out to see if there's something equivalent in Hungary. https://healthtalk.org/bereavement-due-traumatic-death/the-police-family-liaison-officers-role

Bereavement due to traumatic death - The Police Family Liaison Officer

https://healthtalk.org/bereavement-due-traumatic-death/the-police-family-liaison-officers-role

OP posts:

LunaLula83 · 22/07/2023 16:41

Does it matter either way? You've been informed.

Ladyj84 · 22/07/2023 16:43

I don't understand why you need the police now tbh you've been informed the police will know you know

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/07/2023 16:45

Is your husband Hungarian? Language wise wouldn't he be better to be ringing the police now, why wait until Monday? I assume all police forces work 24/7

Sorry for your loss

saraclara · 22/07/2023 16:48

Ladyj84 · 22/07/2023 16:43

I don't understand why you need the police now tbh you've been informed the police will know you know

You're missing the point. It's FIL, who hasn't been informed by the police. Only the care home staff have told him.

Ilovelurchers · 22/07/2023 16:49

LunaLula83 · 22/07/2023 16:41

Does it matter either way? You've been informed.

Of course it matters! This is one of the most bizarre questions I have read on here for quite a while, and seems a little heartless too. The OP's husband has lost a beloved family member in very suspicious circumstances. Of course she an her family would want to speak to the police about it, as i assume they will be investigating to ascertain that it was indeed suicide. Plus, OP and her family presumably want to know what is happening with grandmother's body.

OP I don't think your FIL should with till Monday - I think he should feel free to contact the police himself as soon as he feels up to it, and ask what os happening, when he might take possession of the body etc.

Sorry for your tragic loss, OP.

Figgygal · 22/07/2023 16:49

I Don't understand why you're so caught up on the police informing you you have been informed. Your Hungarian FIL can call the police himself if he has questions the care home cant answer surely? Particularly if they have her body.
Sorry for your loss

saraclara · 22/07/2023 16:52

Figgygal · 22/07/2023 16:49

Again, the police should absolutely have been on touch with FIL. Presumably he's his mother's next of kin.

The issue is not not really about OP, it's about her dad. Who's been told next to nothing and only by care staff.

Redglitter · 22/07/2023 16:54

I think the police should definitely have informed my FIL as soon as they have attended the scene as surely it's the police's duty to inform close relatives of such an incident

The Police here don't notify family on every occasion of a death. If family have been informed by someone else then there's no requirement so Hungary could be the same

They should be in touch though if there's a post mortem and/or enquiry.

nasanas · 22/07/2023 17:10

@saraclara

You're missing the point. It's FIL, who hasn't been informed by the police. Only the care home staff have told him.

Ok. Why does FIL need to be noticed by the police?

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