School attendance

[YorkshireGirl2016]

Hello, hoping that this is the right place to post.
To give a bit of background, my husbands child lives around 2 hours away. We see him as much as possible, but being a 13 year old, he wants to spend most weekends with his friends...we completely understand this.

Previously we received a letter about his poor attendance and my husband and child's mother received a £60 fine due to lack of attendance. We called the school and council and explained the situation, we live two hours away, both work full time and have our own children. Their reply was it's Dads responsibility still...even though he lives two hours away.

We have just received a letter threatening 3 months prison and or a £2,500 fine as my stepson again has refused to attend school.

I am beside myself with worry. Surely we cannot responsible as we live so far away? We have spoken to my stepson and he will not attend school. He doesn't care if there is a fine or his parents go to prison.

I don't know what to do? I'm terrified about not only his lack of education but the possibility of my husband going to prison

Dh gives permission for school to speak to me.
Thats my issue, get a court order to ensure education BUT then take him away from his mother, brother, friends and family.

A father choosing to be absent from day to day life should not absolve him from legal responsibility. Unless he is in the military, he does not need to live so far away from his son that he can’t help get him to school.

More importantly, if his son is really struggling in life, why wouldn’t he want to be doing everything possible to help, including moving closer.

I'm sorry but it looks like that is the consequence of his actions.

It's not ok to just say he is a school refuser and their MUST be some underlying issue because at the moment there is no diagnosis or confirmation of such an issue. There is also no way to get a diagnosis of such an issue within the time frame of the threat to heal a massive fine and potential imprisonment upon both parents.

I can't imagine that either parent has a spare £1k knocking about . The father is on parental leave and the mother doesn't work. A fine will cause great hardship .

An application for residency by the father will force the courts to order a section 7 which Will hopefully answer some of the questions that are unknown not only to those on this thread but also to the OP.

1. How active is the mother in her attempts to get him to school. ? Is she trying every thing and doing all possible with no result ? Or is she just passively ringing her hands ? Or perhaps there are other even more serious issues where she is being threatened or suffering domestic violence at the hands of her son if she attempts to sanction his behaviour. None of us know - but it is not helpful to just assume MH issues and let this continue until an assessment is done. He will be 16 by then and would have lost all chance of education and the parents will be crippled with fines.

1. What is he doing when he isn't in school. ?

We have no idea if this is a parent at the end of their tether a scared parent or a feckless parent . A section 7 should discover that ... if it is the former then is probable he can stay with her but the LEA can see the section 7 and back off.
If it's the latter then hopefully dad will be given custody. Leaving his friends is nowhere near a reasonable excuse to lose any hope of salvaging his education .

OP the reason you are being criticised is because you are asking the wrong questions. You are focusing too much on who is “responsible” for your SS’s school attendance and want to shirk responsibility because your family chose to move away. Working full time and having other children are irrelevant.

It doesn’t sound like anyone is putting this child first. No wonder he is having problems.

You have had lots of good advice regarding CAMHS and assessments. I hope everything works out for your SS.

Yes, the fact that this has even gotten beyond a first letter is huge. The legal ramifications and fines are absolutely secondary to what is going on with the child. That should be the focus.

no one wants to waste resources incarcerating parents. They don’t even want to be wasting resources spending the money to send those letters. They are trying to help the child.

get dad there to drag him to school. While you wait for a public eval, dad picks up extra work to pay for private therapy. When your child is in crisis it takes all of your energy and all of your resources. I’ve been there . It is all consuming, but you have to do it.

I don't have any more energy though. Their mum made them homeless, we picked them up they stayed with us. They cried very single night for their mum. When mum was settled she had them back. We would have kept them. They wanted their mum. Then this. If you understand you do. If you don't then don't comment. Being a step parent not having any bias as the child will resent you. Trying to form a bond with the mother. Trying not to aggravate the father. Trying to do the best that you possibly can for all parties concerned. Wgen you also work ft and have a new born. I'm at the end of my limit. Blaming mum dad or child or me isn't helpful. I came on here to get help and advise not criticism of people who have no idea but sit on mumsnet with a perfect family and life and criticise.
To those who have given advice, thank you. To those who have being mean, youve just made me feel more shit than I did before. Mum's who have had a baby who is 2 months old dealing with all this should know better. Especially step mums. Who are constantly in battle to remain in the middle of mother and father.

Please, please don’t follow the advice of posters who have no experience of this. Also look up Dr Naomi Fisher.

If he is awaiting camhs and his absence is due to MH then it should’ve authorised absence, under illness. The Dept for Education have guidelines on this.

Drag the child to school and get the Dad to take on extra work. Are you actually a parent?

I also have never shirked responsibility for my step children. I would have them here with me in a heartbeat but they don't want to leave their mother on her own. My God. I've given my stepchildren more than their mother ever ever has. Holidays, experiences, a home their own rooms peace and calm. A mindset and environment they can aspire to. My stepchildren when they come here have lovely wholesome meals and calm. They go to bed with rules no phones, no TV. They sleep solidly at a decent time. We gave respect for each other. Seems our issue is not pushing for a court order as they live their mum and I ficnt won't to fuck up their childhood or friendships

Have you read the thread ? There has been an initial discussion which has said there are NO underlying issues !!!

Yea he needs a proper CAMHS assessment. But if you know a way to get into CAMHs and get an assessment and diagnosis supposing there is one to be had ... in under a year then please tell us all how you do that without a shed load of money to push it through privately.. 'n

Yorkshiregirl2016** ^please don't prioritise childhood friendships that come and go.. above the chance to give this child an education.. and avoid massive fines which will impact your family . Go for the court order and Instill in your husband that sometimes you have to do things for your children which they may not like but is for their long term benefit. An application for residency is just that .

Apply. Put the issue before the courts and let them decide what is best - after a thorough investigation of the facts. Facts that you and your husband don't actually know yet as you don't live in his mothers house and have no idea what is actually happening .. ^
^
If she is doing everything and they don't believe a change of residence is going to improve matters then they won't grant it.. if they do - then they will. There process is focused on the best interests of the child. Let them deal with this and follow their decisions.^

OP’s DH could request an EHCNA. An EHCNA can include psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist assessments, as well as OT, SALT, EP assessments, without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists. Yes, they may need to appeal in order to get the LA to assess, but most of the time it is still vastly quicker than waiting for CAMHS.

An EHCP can also include ongoing MH support. Again, parents may need to appeal for this, but it can still be quicker than waiting for CAMHS and the provision can include support not available on the NHS, for longer, more frequently and without sitting on the waiting lists.

No, it’s not immediate, but it is often quicker than CAMHS and results in more support.