School attendance

[YorkshireGirl2016]

Hello, hoping that this is the right place to post.
To give a bit of background, my husbands child lives around 2 hours away. We see him as much as possible, but being a 13 year old, he wants to spend most weekends with his friends...we completely understand this.

Previously we received a letter about his poor attendance and my husband and child's mother received a £60 fine due to lack of attendance. We called the school and council and explained the situation, we live two hours away, both work full time and have our own children. Their reply was it's Dads responsibility still...even though he lives two hours away.

We have just received a letter threatening 3 months prison and or a £2,500 fine as my stepson again has refused to attend school.

I am beside myself with worry. Surely we cannot responsible as we live so far away? We have spoken to my stepson and he will not attend school. He doesn't care if there is a fine or his parents go to prison.

I don't know what to do? I'm terrified about not only his lack of education but the possibility of my husband going to prison

There will be a reason he can’t attend. Can’t, not won’t. Most “school refusers” (I hate that term) want to go to school but can’t sue to anxiety. And it isn’t always presented in the way we might expect anxiety or MH issues in an adult. Is there any indication he might be neurodivergent? 13 is a common age for ND children to start finding school unbearable.

My 10 year old has been out of school since April. She’s autistic and cannot manage. Her absence is authorised because the school are good, but a quick scan of the Not Fine in School Facebook page will show that many schools do go down the prosecution route for children who actually need support and alternative provision.

I would advice you and dh take a look at Not Fine in School, there is good legal advice on there.

Ultimately, if a child of that age refuses to go to school there's little parents can do.

You can't physically drag a 13 year old into school without seriously assaulting them in the process.
The school staff won't restrain him to keep him in school once he's there anyway.

The only path you can take really is trying to get to the bottom of why he can't attend. Put pressure on the school, get referrals in place.

There's a facebook group called 'Not Fine in School' that has thousands of parents on it in the same situation. I'd post on there.

That’s kind of the nature of having children, no matter how far away in the world you are you still have a responsibility. Maybe he’s acting out because his dad has a whole new family and isn’t really involved in his life anymore. There must be a reason why his mum has full custody.

Another one for Not fine in school being able to give legal advice.

But yes your DH is as liable as the mother in this and it is not going to be an easy ride.

Personslly having a child who struggled last year and ended with 60% attendance it is not an easy process and does need a lot of work.

had your DH being to his sons school and spoken to them. Asked to speak to the inclusion team, looked at whether anECHP is worthwhile, what the issues are whether moving is an option.

Going to the court route isn’t a given

So did his Mum pay £30? Is she intending to pay £1250?
If he is home anyway, why is she refusing to off roll, to give you all breathing space? (although short-term as school will know why and could refer so he doesn't fall through the gaps).
Where does he spend his time?
He should have already chosen his options for next year - it's not too late for him to have a fresh start year 10 - or agreeing to do at least core subjects and possibly going off site for practical courses.
Maybe you do all need to move nearer or report to Social Services yourselves.

Mum doesn't have custody by law, the children wish to live with their mum, which I believe is normal

My dc want 50/50 with me and their dad, the want to spend time with both of us equally. Why does DH live 2 hours away from his son?

Social services are involved with Mum. But they are also at a loss.
I honestly say that e ery single thing that u can think of as a family unit has been done but he isn't listening. He's spoken to mental health professionals who day there isn't an issue. He says there isn't an issue. This is why we are beside ourselves. We have taken all routes possible.

Apart from home schooling, which my husband would do but he wants to live with his mum who refuses to do this

Original fine 60 each.
We each family moved...we moved for work reasons and to be closer to my father as my mother has just died

So does the second child go to school?
Is your stepson aware of the consequences for you all?
It might be normal to have a preference for their Mum but even if dealing with a sociable butterfly or truculent teen, being a long-distance Dad = going that extra mile rather than caving, surely?

You go to court and contest custody as DSS has a right to an education. He lives with you and while your DH is a SAHD he supervises your son home educating or drops him off at your local school, baby in tow.

So we force the child to live with us? Are we allowed to do that? Yes, the other child goes to school.

OP, what does the boy do all day when he isn't at school? Play on the internet?

Then make it clear to the mum that she is facing prison too, unless she removes the router, and starts explaining to the son that if his parents go to jail, he will go into care. She and your DH need to have a serious joint talk with the boy. Make it clear that his actions are endangering them all.

At 13 a combination of encouragement, bribery and the realities of the situation can do a lot. Offer something special for Christmas if he goes to school for the whole autumn term.

At that age, I'd offer gym membership IF he goes to school. Or go-carting or something special when he does 5 days in a week. It'll cost a bit but less expensive in the long run.

How much time is your dss spending with his dad over the summer holidays?

The judge should be able to force it, yes, if it's in his best interests.
How many times in the last year have you seen him?
Where is he spending his time during the day?
They'll look at all the circumstances and rule accordingly.
If him and his Mum don't want that to happen, they make an alternative choice than opting out/enabling.

If there is no custody agreement in place saying that the mother has full custody, then yes, your husband is liable. He has made choices that make it very difficult for him to have any kind of useful role in his childrens' life - moving 2 hours away for one thing - but he is still liable. It's not an excuse.

Your husband could go for full custody as the child's mother is unable to ensure their son's education. As your husband is not working, he is presumably physically able to home educate his son, if there is a good reason (neurodiversity, anxiety, bullying) for him not to go to school and not just bad behaviour/bad parenting going on right now.

If it is bad behaviour, it could be that his mother is not coping and urgently needs your husband to step up to his responsibilities in a practical, hands on way. When is the last time he saw his children?

It feels like either way, your family unit should be living closer to his children and supporting his son properly with sole or shared custody to make sure he is educated. He's in year 8 now, right? Going into year 9 in September? It feels like your husband has a month to get something in place to support all of his children properly.

Internet but mum refuses to turn it off as he gets abusive. I've said about prison and care and honestly him and his mum think it's an udke threat, they don't think it will happen. Me and hus Dad are just drainers. Dad and I gavevtried encouragements, done everything I can think of. We leave it up to him about holidays but he loves his little brother so wants to spend a couple of weeks here, which we want him to. We love seeing the family together

Yes that's right with year 8. We see him every weekend. Makes promises of change to us then goes home to a different environment

I don't think this is normal at all. My children want to see both their parents. Why doesn't he want to see his dad?

He does see his Dad, every weekend and holidays!!

But live with mum in the week

Also, you may well now be doing everything you can think of.
But, at some point in the past, his father prioritised everything you wanted about where to live, over his child.
The past has led to his behaviour now, a past which your husband and you contributed to, so yes, his father is responsible.

Wow, you are very opinionated...how do you know that?
I came on here to ask for help and guidance as I do not know what to do.
It seems Mumsnet is a place for unhelpful comments and judgements.
Seems like me and the father are to blame for this.
Thank you for the people who have made helpful comments. I should maybe of posted on Dadsnet or Father's 4 Justice

From a legal point of view I think you need to apply for a residency order I don't know what it is called in Australia. Here it is a child arrangement order, and her this issue in front of a judge.

If the father is to be held responsible then he has to be in a position to parent. He is not being parented appropriately by the mother - so I would expect a judge would overrule the mother and child's wishes to remain in her care .

As your husband is a SAHD he is ideally placed to either home school or take him to his new school near you and be on hand during the day to police his attendance and deal with absconding with suitable sanctions . Such as removal of devices especially phone that allows him to make plans to meet up with mates who are likely also playing truant.

It's is the only practical solution.

Apologies. I see you don't live in Australia !! Im which case . Download the application on HMCTS..