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Original poster

Separation of same sex couple and parental rights

97 replies

Acrobe · 10/05/2023 15:35

Hi, my 10 year relationship has just been finished by my partner. She is a birth mother to our daughter. We are not married nor we in a civil partnership. The "dad" sperm donor is known but not on a birth certificate...

Long story short I found myself not having any rights to my daughter. I have provided for the birth mother and our daughter since the beginning. 5 years! 3 of which the birth mother was out of work so I was literally paying for everything

I/we accumulated debts which are unfortunately in my name.

So not only I losing the most precious thing in my life -my daughter (cos I have no legal rights) but also ending up having to pay by my self what should be a shared debt.

Help! Please anyone.. money is a one thing but I can't bear thinking I will lose my child!

Thanks

OP posts:
2bazookas · 10/05/2023 20:40

I did not go on a birth certificate because technically that at the time would be illegal as we conceived DIY style

There is nothing illegal about consensual impregnation.

and we know the donor.

Who is NOT on the birth certificate. So don't make him into your rubbish excuse.

I have provided for the birth mother and our daughter since the beginning. 5 years! 3 of which the birth mother was out of work

No doubt looking after her child.

so I was literally paying for everything

Wasn't that what you agreed before the child was conceived?

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 20:43

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/05/2023 17:33

Just as a matter of interest, I don’t see why OP could not have been on the birth cert as a parent if she had wanted to. I don’t think they ask about the method of conception at the registration, do they? It would seem quite intrusive.

From the link I already shared (https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth):

Same-sex female couples

Female couples can include both their names on their child’s birth certificate when registering the birth.

Married or civil-partner parents

Either parent can register the birth on their own if all of the following are true:

  • the mother has a child by donor insemination or fertility treatment
  • she was married or in a civil partnership at the time of the treatment

Unmarried, non-civil-partner parents

When a mother is not married or in a civil partnership, her partner can be seen as the child’s second parent if both women:

  • are treated together in the UK by a licensed clinic
  • have made a ‘parenthood agreement’
However, for both parents’ details to be recorded on the birth certificate, they must do one of the following:
  • register the birth jointly
  • complete a ‘Statutory declaration of acknowledgement of parentage’ form and one parent takes the signed form when she registers the birth
  • get a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the second female parent parental responsibility and one parent shows the document when she registers the birth

(end quote)

The method of conception is relevant from a legal pov. I do apologise for the wording of my question - and no, it's not relevant whether conception was through sex or a syringe, the fact is that either way it was not done officially and legally through a clinic, so in law it will be harder to prove whether the sperm donor / biological father should be a legal parent or not. If you don't already have something in writing from him, and/or a written parenting agreement between the two of you, it's going to be difficult to prove everyone's intentions. You may need to draw on other evidence of your active involvement in parenting your child since the birth. This is why legal advice is essential.

If it did go to court, the key question will be what is in the best interests of the child, so you should bear that in mind, and focus on that in your communications with your ex.

Register a birth

Find out how to register a birth - who can register, birth certificates

https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 20:46

WoolyMammoth55 · 10/05/2023 17:39

Hi OP, so sorry to hear that you're in a really rough situation. Please do speak to a lawyer ASAP. I think you might be able to get discounted help if you can find a law firm who are LGB friendly...?

If you can keep on reasonably amicable terms with your ex then I don't think this will be impossible: she should want what's best for your child and obviously keeping in touch is best for her.

I also found this:
How to obtain PR if you are not married to or in a civil partnership with the birth mother
If you have not married or entered a civil partnership with the birth mother, and you do not already have PR for the child then you can obtain it by applying to the family court for a child arrangements order stating that the child lives with you or with you and your partner. If the order says the child ‘lives with’ you then you automatically have PR for the child. Another option would be to adopt the child which would make you one of the child’s legal parents.
(https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/lesbian-parenting-and-the-law/)

If you have proof that you've been residing together - council tax, bills in both your names, etc? - and proof that you've been financially supporting the family (bank statements etc) then I think you are reasonably likely to be awarded contact at the very least - but best to keep this amicable vs litigious if at all possible.

Wish you all the best.

This is a good resource. Rights of women has a free family law helpline you could call, too.

Mia85 · 10/05/2023 20:48

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 20:40

I did not go on a birth certificate because technically that at the time would be illegal as we conceived DIY style

There is nothing illegal about consensual impregnation.

and we know the donor.

Who is NOT on the birth certificate. So don't make him into your rubbish excuse.

I have provided for the birth mother and our daughter since the beginning. 5 years! 3 of which the birth mother was out of work

No doubt looking after her child.

so I was literally paying for everything

Wasn't that what you agreed before the child was conceived?

The OP is not saying that the conception was illegal but that there was no legal basis for her to be put on the birth certificate. From what she has said that is entirely correct. The registrar would not have entered her name simply because she wanted to, she would have to show that she was entitled to be on the certificate according to the relevant law.

The OP has posted in legal matters and I am not sure that it is helpful for peope to comment on the ethics of her situation.

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 21:03

Been miss lead by the adoption company who seemed to believe that anyone can get PRs

"Adoption company"?????? What country are you in?

In UK, when you adopt a child , an adoption certificate is issued naming the adopter as that child's legal parent. As decreed by a court. The AC has the same legal status as a birth certificate.

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 21:16

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · Today 17:33
Just as a matter of interest, I don’t see why OP could not have been on the birth cert as a parent if she had wanted to.

She could, if they had been married or in a civil partnership. They aren't.

It beggars belief that a same sex couple planning a family by sperm donor , would not have considered marriage or CP to assert both parental rights on the birth certificate. They had nine months to think, discuss, commit.

I suspect OP's partner has, from the start, deliberately managed everyone's legal status to retain sole advantage for herself.

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 21:20

I suspect OP's partner has, from the start, deliberately managed everyone's legal status to retain sole advantage for herself.

Ridiculous. If OP is and was completely clueless about all of this, that's very much her own fault. Don't blame the ex.

As it stands, OP is as related to the child as I am.

stealthninjamum · 10/05/2023 21:42

Op I’m sorry you’re in this position, it must be heartbreaking and very stressful.

I don’t know how many people who have replied who are lawyers - I’m not - but I thought I’d add to the voices that you should see a lawyer.

Theres a family lawyer called The Legal Queen on Instagram and other social media and she has a podcast and a patron (or is it patreon?) where member of the public can ask questions.

I’ve heard her say in cases where a stepfather has lived with the child for three years it’s possible to demand further involvement as it’s in the interest of the child so it might be similar for you. It’s like grandparents have no rights to a child but if they have been heavily involved in a child’s life the needs of the child will be taken into account.

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 22:22

“I suspect OP's partner has, from the start, deliberately managed everyone's legal status to retain sole advantage for herself.”

There’s no evidence for this, OP hasn’t mentioned proposing and being turned down or anything

Acrobe · 10/05/2023 22:22

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MNHQ deleted for publishing personal info. Do please use DMs.

Mia85 · 10/05/2023 22:30

Op I would report your message and ask mn to take out the email address as it identifies you

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 22:36

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 21:20

I suspect OP's partner has, from the start, deliberately managed everyone's legal status to retain sole advantage for herself.

Ridiculous. If OP is and was completely clueless about all of this, that's very much her own fault. Don't blame the ex.

As it stands, OP is as related to the child as I am.

The Partner knew some UK law when she registered the birth without the donor present, so he could not be named on the child's birth certificate. Ensuring she was the only parent on the BC.

It appears she also went alone to register the child's birth. Had OP attended the birth registration of "OUR BABY" with the mother, the registrar would surely have asked if they were married or in a civil partnership so that OP could also be registered as a parent.

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 22:42

Huh? The donor didn’t want to be involved, particularly, why would he have gone to the registrars?

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 22:43

Again, zero evidence that the donor wanted to come and was only prevented by the dastardly mother!

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 22:44

“the registrar would surely have asked if they were married or in a civil partnership so that OP could also be registered as a parent”

and the answer would have been “no, we aren’t” - what is your point?

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 23:24

2bazookas · 10/05/2023 22:36

The Partner knew some UK law when she registered the birth without the donor present, so he could not be named on the child's birth certificate. Ensuring she was the only parent on the BC.

It appears she also went alone to register the child's birth. Had OP attended the birth registration of "OUR BABY" with the mother, the registrar would surely have asked if they were married or in a civil partnership so that OP could also be registered as a parent.

Show quote history

what rot.

You don't know if the mother went alone. But it makes no difference, she was and is the parent of the child. OP is categorically not. You seem determined to paint this woman as a dastardly manipulator for some reason...issues of your own?

XelaM · 11/05/2023 06:39

The Partner knew some UK law when she registered the birth without the donor present

No such thing as UK law 🤓

unicorncrumble · 11/05/2023 06:58

OP, sorry you're in this situation. Get a lawyer. You don't have rights but family court will take into account what is in the best interest of the child x

lordloveadog · 11/05/2023 10:24

I know a stepfather who got contact rights with his wife's child after divorce because he had been acting as parent.

Find law firm with experience in this area immediately.

Lefteyetwitch · 11/05/2023 11:18

You don't need a solicitor if you feel competent you can act as a LIP. The court can advise on how to complete the paperwork and after that it's focusing on the rights of the child and how removal from her life is damaging.

But you need to act now or the time away can be used against you. Which isn't the same as a bio parent claim

XelaM · 11/05/2023 19:05

But is your ex actually stopping you from seeing the child? Can you not agree contact with her amicably?

Joellenicole0214 · 04/08/2024 21:56

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