Separation of same sex couple and parental rights

[Acrobe]

Hi, my 10 year relationship has just been finished by my partner. She is a birth mother to our daughter. We are not married nor we in a civil partnership. The "dad" sperm donor is known but not on a birth certificate...

Long story short I found myself not having any rights to my daughter. I have provided for the birth mother and our daughter since the beginning. 5 years! 3 of which the birth mother was out of work so I was literally paying for everything

I/we accumulated debts which are unfortunately in my name.

So not only I losing the most precious thing in my life -my daughter (cos I have no legal rights) but also ending up having to pay by my self what should be a shared debt.

Help! Please anyone.. money is a one thing but I can't bear thinking I will lose my child!

Thanks

@Acrobe I am so sorry this has happened. Have a look at what WoolyMammoth55 has written above but also that there is a dedicated LGBT parents board where you may also be able to get answers on too just because it is very specific due to no parental responsibility situation

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lgbt_parents

I really hope you are able to maintain a relationship with your daughter.

You can go down the route of requesting visitation. You would have to follow the same route as Grandparents and request permission to apply

You can get PR this can be awarded by court. Whether it will is another matter. But as you have no rights this is all you can do.

Is the Father in the picture can he support you?

Thank you so much for this! This is very very helpful x

It isn’t exclusive to lesbians. Do you mean for two lesbians to have a family it’s the only option? It really isn’t. Adoption, fostering, sperm donor from a man who wants to be a father (so baby has 3 parents!). All ways of having a family which don’t involve deliberately creating a child with the intention of depriving them of knowing half their genetic family and background. But, I suppose this is a different debate and doesn’t belong on this thread.

Get legal advice.

And I'm glad you started this post, as it's a good reminder of the problems involved in a case where the legal stuff hasn't been tied up at the outset.

My DC1 is gay and although there's no prospect yet of him having children, I know he wants to eventually. We've already started discussing the problems of same-sex parenthood. Not because I want to put him off (he knows that I think that having children is the best thing I've ever done), but to make sure that he covers his back legally v-a-v parental rights, whatever happens to his relationship.

Why was an adoption agency involved?

The law can and does allow this, when it is in the child's best interests (probably based on a lengthy time parenting that child).

OP needs to take proper legal advice in RL

@TwateyKatey this is why I directed the OP to the LGBT parents board, a wealth of information and they would be best to advise I feel.

It is a good board for things to consider for same sex couples wanting to be parents. My sister and her wife used a fertility clinic and donor sperm they bought via a European sperm bank which was apparently much cheaper than UK donors. That way both my sister and her wife are on the birth certificate as parents for their child.

I meant, it might also be a good resource for your son.

OP, even if you are not legally recognised as a parent you still have the right to apply for a child arrangements order as the child has (as I understand your post) lived with you for at least 3 years (see s10(5)(b) here https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/10 ). If that went to court then the only question would be what's best for the child and not what the legal rights of the adults are. If you've been the child's parent in reality, even if not in law, for her life then that will be very important and it is very likely (obviously depending on the facts) that a court would give you a good amount of time with her. If you get a child arrangements order saying the child will live with you then PR comes with that, if it gives just contact then the court can also include PR.

Of course the ideal would be to sort it out amicably but you are in a stronger position than your OP suggests.

Is there any way to try and persuade your ex to let you be involved? Are there mutual friend or can family help? To be together for over five years you would think that your friends and family would recognise how important you are in your daughters life.

Have you any sway with money? If your ex is going to be skint might you be able to effectively 'buy' your involvement. Sounds sick but I know I'd be doing anything to see my daughter in your situation.

Sorry I should say that that's assuming you are in England or Wales. Are you?

Did you even read the post I quoted? The poster lists donation and ‘no biological connection’ as reasons why it’s considered an unethical way of having a child

Yes I did. Perhaps I understood it rather differently to you. More as in having kids via undocumented ´donation’ is unethical because it’s the puts the stability of the child at risk (non bio parent can be cut off if the relationship fails) rather than gay people having children = unethical.

I do think it’s unethical to deliberately create a child knowing they won’t know half of their genetic background or relatives, yes. It’s not w controversial opinion and isn’t an aspersion on the quality of parenting by people like OP, but I think as a premise it’s unethical, in part because it can severely complicate matters like in this case.

AnotherEmma · Today 16:59
DIY style?! You mean she had sex with a male friend? - yup. lol

ask the father of the child to start visiting his own daughter!

What the heck has that got to do with OP’s issue?

SheilaFentiman · Today 19:53
BeverlyHa · Today 19:52

ask the father of the child to start visiting his own daughter!
What the heck has that got to do with OP’s issue?

she is not the parent. this is what it has to do with it.

RTFT - there is another option as explained before.

What matters is not the "how" but what it means for PR if you decide not to use a registered clinic and are not married/in a CP, and did not adopt the child

The sperm donor does not have or want parental responsibility. And he’s not the one posting, nor is the OP concerned about him, so your post isn’t relevant.

HTH.

So I suppose you also oppose any sperm donation with IVF or for gay couples to have children of their own…

Lovely …

OP, has your ex said you aren’t going to have any contact?

Fair. The PP has now commented under yours to confirm that they did in fact mean that donation in general was unethical, paperwork or not.

Of course they do.

do you actually think that OP could have just turned up at the registry office and declared herself the parent of a child that she had biological or legal connection with?

You don't need to ask two women if the method of conception involved someone else....it's pretty obvious.