Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Is marriage beneficial to me?

36 replies

Lardolader · 10/05/2023 14:23

Sorry it's a long one! - basically, is it in my interests to get married if I own the house with no mortgage and in the next few years will likely have inherited money? Even tho at the moment I'm not earning and have 1ds and another on the way?

Partner says he's not bothered, then says ok, then we just never get round to booking it. Makes me question if he has doubts even tho he says he doesn't.

Long story to follow so as not to drip feed....

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 14:25

Have ds1 and pregnant with the next. No will in place. I own our house outright. Been with DP for 4 years.

Currently I'm not working due to relocating for DPs new job and knowing we were going to start trying for another baby. So currently living off DPs salary for day to day. All money in the joint account, DP happy for me not to be working, generally generous guy, good and very dedicated dad.

I am due to get a significant inheritance in the next couple of years - life changing amount of money altho not millions! But due to delays, it's not clear exactly when that will arrive. House is solely in my name (no mortgage) because it saved us on stamp duty, and almost all the money for the house was mine, as DPs is still tied up in what has become an unsellable property from his time before me. DP paid stamp duty and pays for this house as if it's his - bills, maintenance etc.

We both need to make wills, but haven't done so yet. I heard if you make a will, then get married, you have to remake it?

We've discussed getting married on and off for ages, but never got round to booking it. Neither of us want a big do, but I'm under the impression that legally/tax wise it would be more sensible if we are married due to inheritance tax and things? And also, there is a part of me that wants it for the warm fuzzies!

So we've discussed it, he says ok, but it's not important to him and he wouldn't bother but ok, but we never get around to actually booking it, and now time is running out to make a will (want in place before labour!) and to get married.

But should I?
He's hesitant, says it's not about the state of our relationship, or about his commitment to me. I've said surely he's very vulnerable at the moment? But he is dragging his feet and it's not the way I had imagined this going - not very romantic! And I really really don't want to effectively force him into something he doesn't want to do!

Generally our relationship is good, but we do have issues and things could be better altho there's certainly been no indication he wants to leave.

.....

So long post but basically, I guess his hesitancy is beginning to make me think he has some concerns in the long term... If that's the case, is it financially and legally in my interests to not bother getting married to him, because then he can swan off with half of what would otherwise be my house and inheritance?

Am I right in thinking he has no legal claim on the house if we were to split up at the moment?

And, when I do go and make a will, should I just be giving it all to the kids and not to him? If he hasn't left me (!) I would want him to be able to stay here with the kids until they wanted to leave, is there a way to account for this?

For what it's worth, I really think we should be married to give him claim over the house etc, because he supports us all now and should be entitled to it as we make decisions as a couple. I don't understand why he doesn't see this!

Help!

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 10/05/2023 16:58

Don't marry, there is absolutely no financial benefit to you, quite the opposite.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:22

There is perhaps no benefit if we split up, but I'm hoping that we wouldn't. I'm literally only questioning it because he's so reluctant about tying the knot.

But if one of us were to die, from a family perspective, I wonder if it is better to have been married?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 17:24

Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:22

There is perhaps no benefit if we split up, but I'm hoping that we wouldn't. I'm literally only questioning it because he's so reluctant about tying the knot.

But if one of us were to die, from a family perspective, I wonder if it is better to have been married?

Why in your particular circumstances would it be better to marry??? I can think of no benefits.

But if this is a reverse..... The DP has nothing to lose and everything to gain, including potentially disinheriting your child.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:27

@CombatBarbie not a reverse! I just know that there's no way I would put myself in his position where I had no claim on a house I was paying for the maintenance etc on.

Maybe I'll just drop the marriage thing then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:28

@CombatBarbie And I guess - if he were to die, wouldn't I get his pension, if married? And inherit with less tax?
What about next of kin?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:29

I'd also hate for him to have to sell the house if he didn't want to, to pay for inheritance tax on it if I was dead. Whereas I believe that if we're married that's not a thing?

OP posts:
Swishhh · 10/05/2023 17:31

In your circumstances I wouldn’t get married.

rwalker · 10/05/2023 17:36

You can leave your pensions to whatever you want you need to do an expression of wish
get good wills
yes he’s sort of vulnerable financially but you can’t loose what you never had he was vulnerable financially when he arrived so he’s nether gained or lost anything

50/50 on bills are consumables not investments so he’s not loosing out

it’s not broken don’t fix it

CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 17:44

Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:29

I'd also hate for him to have to sell the house if he didn't want to, to pay for inheritance tax on it if I was dead. Whereas I believe that if we're married that's not a thing?

You can make a will that gives him money or life tenancy..... But I'd be leaving it to my kids if I was you.

There was a thread not long ago. Dad had remarried to someone with children, will not updated, entire estate went to his new wife as his legal NOK and his bio children got nothing..... And it was a substantial amount. The step mum had always said "of course I'll split it evenly....." money does strange things to people.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:45

Thanks @rwalker - I know we definitely need wills so will absolutely talk all this through with them so that they know what's what.

I'm wondering if my will should just give the house to the kids. That way there'll be one lot of inheritance tax not two (if he pays it and then gives to them anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:46

@CombatBarbie that's my exact worry, I read that thread! I'd be devastated if that happened here and she got nothing or next to nothing.

Thinking leaving to kids makes a lot of sense

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 10/05/2023 17:51

I heard if you make a will, then get married, you have to remake it?

Unless the will clearly states it is made "in contemplation of marriage to..." (who you actually marry, if you do marry).

You have 1, soon to be 2 hopefully, kids together. You need to sit down and work out current assets, incomes, pensions, death in service and so on.

From this you can make a spreadsheet - it would be tactful to do this privately! - to work out what would go where in various circumstances.

  • you die
  • he dies
  • both with and without wills
  • you split up
  • you marry and then split up
  • you marry and you or he dies
  • significant change in earning power or needs, e.g. one or both of you cannot work, becomes disabled, has a breakdown, one of the kids needs full-time care, etc.etc.etc

Until you are married things like wills, pension benefits, death in service, life insurance can be changed at any time. They can after marriage too, but divorces include financial settlements.
In fact people can die and leave their families nothing in their wills in England and Wales, and although that can be challenged in court, it's not quick, cheap or easy even if it is decided in your favour eventually.

Losingweightissohard · 10/05/2023 17:54

Speak to a specialist in estate planning and in inheritance tax.

Toooldtoworry · 10/05/2023 17:56

So just want to confirm a few things.

  1. IHT levels are £325k per person plus up to £175k property allowance (so 500k)
  1. You can write a will expecting to get married

Personally in your circumstances I'd be tempted to not marry but write a will allowing your partner to remain in the property until death or wants to live with someone else. I'd leave the property and monies to the children in trust and I'd choose a trusted friend of the same age or younger or a sibling to be trustee for the children.

BUT I did the opposite of you. We got married and everything is 50/50 even though it was my deposit, etc. Mainly because I nearly died from meningitis and it would have been far more complex and unfair if I'd left my partner with no home and fighting off ex husbands.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 17:57

Thank you @Paperbagsaremine that's really helpful. Definitely best to crack on with the will as a priority over marriage I think

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 10/05/2023 17:59

Paperbagsaremine · 10/05/2023 17:51

I heard if you make a will, then get married, you have to remake it?

Unless the will clearly states it is made "in contemplation of marriage to..." (who you actually marry, if you do marry).

You have 1, soon to be 2 hopefully, kids together. You need to sit down and work out current assets, incomes, pensions, death in service and so on.

From this you can make a spreadsheet - it would be tactful to do this privately! - to work out what would go where in various circumstances.

  • you die
  • he dies
  • both with and without wills
  • you split up
  • you marry and then split up
  • you marry and you or he dies
  • significant change in earning power or needs, e.g. one or both of you cannot work, becomes disabled, has a breakdown, one of the kids needs full-time care, etc.etc.etc

Until you are married things like wills, pension benefits, death in service, life insurance can be changed at any time. They can after marriage too, but divorces include financial settlements.
In fact people can die and leave their families nothing in their wills in England and Wales, and although that can be challenged in court, it's not quick, cheap or easy even if it is decided in your favour eventually.

This is a very good post.

Losingweightissohard · 10/05/2023 17:59

At least you know he’s not just with you for your money 💰 or you’d be off to Skegness asap!

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 18:00

@Toooldtoworry thank you that's really helpful.
Yes I feel mean excluding him, because as I said, there's really no indication that he's unhappy or wants to leave at all. But I know how these things work and how many people are blindsided on here.

I also feel that I would not allow myself in this position, so I do want to be fair to him.

I think I'll say tho that if we're not married it just doesn't make sense to leave it all to him. I'll definitely choose my sister for a trustee because she'll absolutely have their interests first and foremost

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 18:01

@Losingweightissohard 😂 no he's a fool! Not that I really have any money until the inheritance is eventually sorted. Maybe he doesn't believe in it and thinks I'm just out for his!

OP posts:
MouseTime · 10/05/2023 18:02

I wouldn't get married but I would try and get the financial side of your relationship formalised somehow. It's crazy that you've had a kid together and are having another but haven't talked about what might happen in the future with your finances.
Event though the house is in your name it sounds like your partner should have some share of it as he has put money into it. Can you put him on the deeds now as tenants in common in appropriate shares. If the sexes were reversed Mumnetters would be all over this point 😅
You could look at a cohabitation agreement. At least you would both know where you stood. If you saw a Solicetor about this then they could guide you through all the things you should be thinking about.

I am pretty sure you can write a will as an unmarried couple that takes account that you might get married at a later date ( I THINK! )

If you sort all this out now you can both relax and carry on being partners and parents without having to worry about this in future.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 18:05

@MouseTime I know..I thought we'd just get to it later, but things get in the way and it's just slipped by.

I absolutely agree about if sex was reversed! It really bothers me and I've tried to point it out to him. He's so not-grabby with anything like this tho. But it winds me up that he can't see that if I were to die, he might not have the money for inheritance tax and then him and family might have to move. Obvs if they want to they can, but I'd hate for his hand to be forced when he's obviously going to be devastated and greiving for me!

OP posts:
MouseTime · 10/05/2023 18:05

Sorry I look a long time to post my post and see that other more articulate posters have covered som of the things I mentioned.

Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 18:06

But I have to say, his reluctance given the clear benefit to him is what makes me question his commitment altogether. We're pretty good together, but maybe there are things I'm not seeing. Confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardolader · 10/05/2023 18:08

MouseTime · 10/05/2023 18:05

Sorry I look a long time to post my post and see that other more articulate posters have covered som of the things I mentioned.

Not at all - it was really helpful

OP posts: