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Original poster

Ex partner’s solicitor is instructing me not to visit family home?

30 replies

MalcolmGently · 11/02/2023 13:20

I have recently left a toxic situation. I was co-parenting with my ex-partner. We aren’t married and have one daughter together. There was a lot of coercion and control in her behaviour, even after the breakdown of the relationship. After years of struggling with my mental and physical health, I finally took the step to move out. The atmosphere was terrible and after a lot heart-searching, this seemed the best course for everyone’s future happiness - especially my daughter. I am living nearby in order to be close to my daughter, just about managing the rent whilst also covering the mortgage and bills on the family home.

Moving out did not go down well with my ex and her attempts to control my behaviour have become more extreme.

Earlier this week I received an email from a solicitor that is seemingly representing my ex (this was the first time I had any indication a solicitor was involved). The solicitor has stated that l “must not” go to the family home without 48 hours notice and my ex’s consent. We own the home jointly and I haven’t been turning up unannounced.

Any thoughts on this please? Maybe I’m overthinking it or am too sensitive to anything that feels like controlling behaviour but it seemed a little unusual to me that a solicitor is attempting to impose such terms.

OP posts:
Itsonlyagame · 11/02/2023 13:22

If you part own the home and there is no restraining order in place I can't see how this could be legal.

Danikm151 · 11/02/2023 13:23

You co own the property so do not need permission to go there. Unless there was a restraining order or anything like that.

LittleOwl153 · 11/02/2023 13:25

You could own the house. She cannot stop you from going there whenever you like.

Bear in mind solicitors will write any old tosh they are paid to write... I always remember one poster here who had a solicitor write to her demanding she take down newly installed blinds because her ex part er could no longer see in through the windows from the street...

LittleOwl153 · 11/02/2023 13:25

Co own not could....

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 13:37

You left your daughter?! Why didn’t you get a restraining order and have your ex turfed out of the family home?

There’s some missing missing reasons in this post.

greyfox82 · 11/02/2023 13:40

Can I ask why, if the situation was so bad that you had to move out, you want to go near the house? Surely, if she was the controlling and abusive you wouldn't want to go near the house?

AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 13:45

Since it’s no longer your residence I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Most leases have that in the contract - 48 hour notice prior to landlord enters.

Is there any reason you feel it might be a problem?

Original poster
MalcolmGently · 11/02/2023 13:45

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 13:37

You left your daughter?! Why didn’t you get a restraining order and have your ex turfed out of the family home?

There’s some missing missing reasons in this post.

Naturally I haven’t given a complete history, not least because I don’t want to reveal too many identifying details. Time with my daughter is split equally between us but leaving the family home was an incredibly difficult decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmGently · 11/02/2023 13:47

greyfox82 · 11/02/2023 13:40

Can I ask why, if the situation was so bad that you had to move out, you want to go near the house? Surely, if she was the controlling and abusive you wouldn't want to go near the house?

I absolutely would prefer not to see her at all. I do have to go there to collect my daughter. I am also trying to collect some of my belongings but she is making that as difficult as possible.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 13:50

I do think it’s controlling/goading behavior but if you don’t go unannounced is it a problem?

Did you confirm it’s a real
lawyer?

Do you have a custodial agreement in place?

Original poster
MalcolmGently · 11/02/2023 13:53

AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 13:45

Since it’s no longer your residence I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Most leases have that in the contract - 48 hour notice prior to landlord enters.

Is there any reason you feel it might be a problem?

Giving notice does seem fair and reasonable. I think I’m worried about the fact it is only with my ex’s consent. If she just declines, I can’t access a property I co-own and am paying the entire mortgage for.

OP posts:
2Bornot · 11/02/2023 14:01

Get your own solicitor OP.

There will be a reason this letter was sent but I don’t know what it is. Maybe she’s trying to make it look like you’ve given up some rights to the house? Or maybe she just wants an argument / attention, or to force you to spend money on lawyers.

Given the child, I’d recommend keeping it all as amicable as possible. If it was me I’d probably reply to the solicitor saying something like “I was surprised to receive your letter of [date] regarding [address]. This property is jointly owned by myself and [ex] and I pay 100% of the mortgage on it. I do not require any consent or permission to enter it and will not be requesting any such in future. However, as a courtesy and in the interests of amicable co-parenting, I will continue to give your client [ex] notice of when I will be visiting the property, as I have always done. I trust that this clarifies the matter. All rights are reserved. Kind regards…” etc.

GoldenGorilla · 11/02/2023 14:03

That’s just a request from your ex. Her lawyer saying it gives that request no legal force.

You have every right to visit the house that you own.

In the interests of covering yourself, in case she starts making accusations against you in future, I would do two things:
1 Check that this email has actually come from a lawyer and that they are representing her (ie that she hasn’t just made a new email account for herself). You can do this by looking them up on the law society website, then calling their office and asking them to confirm whether they are acting for your ex.
2 assuming they are a real lawyer, reply politely saying you jointly own the home, many of your possessions are still there, and you are collecting your daughter from there. It would not be reasonable or practical for you to give 48 hours notice of each visit or to wait for permission from your ex and therefore you will not be complying with this request.

AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 14:03

I can understand that. I think it’s just a letter from a lawyer, probably a friend, and not really binding. I doubt I would reply.

I would abide by it to the extent you are able. If she always refuses then cross that bridge as it comes.

Do you have legal advice yet? You will have to put a custodial agreement in place, get your things and extract yourself.

Whataretheodds · 11/02/2023 14:04

Get legal advice.

itsgettingweird · 11/02/2023 14:07

It's just a request.

However I'd be consulting my own solicitor and getting some legal advice.

You don't have to pay the full mortgage if jointly owned and it doesn't sound like you're married.

It maybe best to get court order for contact with child, set up proper maintenance payments to cover raising your DD and if needs be sell the home and split the money accordingly.

Theunamedcat · 11/02/2023 14:09

Get legal advice your paying for the house co-own it and technically could move back in

Viviennemary · 11/02/2023 14:11

Thats is really cheeky. I would get a solicitor and force the sale of the home. Its half yours. Good point to check if e-mail has really come from a solicitor.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/02/2023 14:15

I'm in the throes of family law proceedings (which have gone on for years).

I find it very unusual that a solicitor would email you - all my correspondence has been written on headed paper (and then emailed, as a pdf). Maybe it was the same in your case, but just saying this in relation to posts from others saying check the email address.

Secondly, I don't think the request re notice to come to the house is in itself unreasonable but of course you have the right to get your belongings and see your DC.

You need to instruct your own solicitor. Then you need to make plans to legally finalise your situation.

As you say you haven't given full details of your situation, understandably.

My abusive ex has used the court process to cause a huge amount of distress and hardship to me & my DC. It is exhausting.

Instruct your solicitor. Decide what you want. Take any opportunity that is possible to resolve matters amicably / mediation - if it can be done, and sometimes it can't.

Reugny · 11/02/2023 14:15

If you aren't married your ex is stupid demanding that as you can start on the steps to force a sale of the property.

Remember child maintenance and seeing your child is separate to her living arrangements.

Ask family, friends and acquaintances who have separated in the last 5 years for the name of solicitor they thought is good. Even if the solicitor has changed firms you can find them.

PeekAtYou · 11/02/2023 14:24

It's just a request and not legally binding. You can pay a solicitor to write whatever you ask them and it doesn't mean that's the legal position For example you could pay someone to insist that your dd turns up to contact dressed in pink and 2 ponytails- unreasonable but you paid so can get a letter saying that.

I suspect that your ex might be nervous about you stopping mortgage payments and worried that you'll send estate agents and buyers around so the house can be sold. Do you intend to pay indefinitely ?

Either way it might be time for you to get some legal advice on the retrieval of your belongings.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/02/2023 14:28

you are right that notice is reasonable, except if there's an emergency, but consent is not required unless she gets a restraining order. keep all communication in writing so that you can prove you have been reasonable if she does take this to court.

as pp say, you do have the right to go to the property you co own. she's not a tenant.

you need to get the financial settlement in order so that the house can be sold and you can both continue your lives. this set up of you maintaining two households is untenable in the long term.

Tildatada · 11/02/2023 14:35

You absolutely do have to pay the mortgage in full of the other party isn’t doing so. All parties on a mortgage are 100% responsible for ensuring the mortgage is paid in full each month. This is the same for all residential mortgages.

LorW · 11/02/2023 14:37

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/02/2023 14:28

you are right that notice is reasonable, except if there's an emergency, but consent is not required unless she gets a restraining order. keep all communication in writing so that you can prove you have been reasonable if she does take this to court.

as pp say, you do have the right to go to the property you co own. she's not a tenant.

you need to get the financial settlement in order so that the house can be sold and you can both continue your lives. this set up of you maintaining two households is untenable in the long term.

This. Get financials sorted and house sold.