Unmarried, splitting up, doing mediation - full financial disclosure?

[ChocoBloc]

I am coming out of a long and controlling/coercive relationship. We have one son together and own a house (50-50, though I've paid all the mortgage).

Currently doing mediation on ex-partner's insistence. Have had individual sessions and now planning the joint sessions. The mediator has sent a financial disclosure pack to fill-in that goes into a lot of detail and seems more aimed at married couples (goes into pension valuations, 12 months of bank statements, value of any cars, possessions etc). Mediator also stating she will prepare an Open Financial Statement.

Does this seem right for an unmarried couple?

I want to reach a fair arrangement that puts my son first and foremost but given ex's past behaviour I'm a bit nervous about sharing bank statements that would reveal a lot of personal info (such as the fact I've been paying for counselling for myself).

I was told I couldn’t do mediation if there had been coercion/control in the relationship. Is the mediator aware of the history?

I did tell this to the mediator in my individual session and said I was worried about it - she noted it down but didn't really comment. 😐

Blank out items in your statements you do not want to reveal- it’s the balance that is relevant

you don't need to tell him anything at all about your finances if your son will be living with you then he is the one who has to disclose his earnings so that he can pay child support.

What are you planning on doing with the house?

Erm you aren’t married so no you don’t have to do any of this.

He can insist all he wants.

There's a decent amount of equity in the house, so ultimately hoping it will fund two smaller places for me and my ex.

Mediator only discussed the house and living arrangements for my son in the session. Is it normal to do this level of financial disclosure for an unmarried couple?

Mediation is not appropriate if there has been abuse / control in the relationship.

Thanks. Do you reckon I should clarify this with the mediator? I really wouldn't be surprised if he told the mediator we were married!

Yes, go back to the mediator and say since he has been coercive you are reluctant to continue and as you are unmarried you don’t understand why she is asking for so much irrelevant disclosure.

Mediation isn't really appropriate in a controlling relationship as you can't 'meet as equals' the abusive partner retains the power position and it allows them to continue their hold over the non-abusive partner

Of course it's not appropriate. What's the point of the mediation given you both agree the house is 50/50 - it should only be child arrangements that need sorting via mediation now. Write n/a as not married and therefore not assets to be shared.

I think you should just say ‘No I won’t be disclosing any of this, and no I won’t be entering into mediation with my abusive ex’.

Agree with @Whatthejackdawsaw and @titchy

You aren't married so why would you need to share any information with him? Sell the house, split proceeds and move on.

And @WorkingItOutAsIGo. All good advice!

As you aren't married your own assets remain yours AFAIK. Joint assets would be split 50/50. Living arrangements for children would probably be taken into consideration when deciding on how the equity in a house should be split. I agree you are not obliged to enter into this level of financial disclosure.

No.
Your pension is not up for duscussion
Nor your outgoings or income
Finance related to prperty yes eg what equity is there

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice on this one. I'll see what the mediator says!

Bet your ex thinks your 'common law husband and wife'!

Ive just split with my ex unmarried one teenager joint mortgage. Do not disclose any financial information to anyone.seek legal advice first. I would oy enter mediation about the house and access to your child.NOTHING else.

If you have a deed of trust you sell the house and split it accordingly to the trust. If no trust it's normally 50/50 if both on the mortgage, although you could be entitled to more if you have paid for renovations.

He is not entitled to know your earnings, income or assets as you are not married. The only responsibility you have is to pay your half of the mortgage if it is in joint names.

Of course there may the issue of child maintenance depending on the agreement regarding your child.

He's on s fishing expedition, don't fall for it.mediation is voluntary. They shouldn't be asking you for full financial disclosure if you're unmarried.

Seems to me that it would be a good idea to have a lawyer on your side

Don't see what the mediator says, take control. Cancel the mediation, get your own legal advice, disclose NOTHING.
You can do this.

Why would you give him or the mediator your financial information. You're not married and you've both got a 50% interest in the property. The mediator should only be discussing how you go about selling the house.

Get 3 valuations in the house via estate agents and put it in the market or one buys the other out at the middle valuation

So if you're going to split the house and buy 2 smaller properties, what are you actually mediating about? I don't understand?