to think this is a breach of the divorce consent order?

[Scruplefull]

(namechanged)

We have three sons, all with combinations of ASD/ADHD/Dyslexia/dyspraxia/anxiety.

Our divorce was finalised in August last year, and the consent order said that “The parties agree with each other and undertake to the court to share equally the costs of school uniforms, school trips and any therapeutic or medical costs for the children of the family (other than as covered by private medical insurance as per paragraph 18 above) on the condition that any such expenses shall be agreed by the parties in advance.”

He has so far paid for half of a single (massive) uniform bill when our younger two (twins) started seniors. That’s it, nothing else.

I am picking up the cost of laptops for school, (compulsory equipment) phones, trainers, additional bits of uniform and shoes because they are growing so fast.

And also kit of scouts (uniform, sleeping bags etc)

And also a whole raft of private medical costs which aren’t covered on his medical insurance. This includes private diagnostics for ADHD, private prescriptions for ADHD meds, additional therapy for anxiety, and for all of these he says that he doesn’t disagree that the kids need them - but that he won’t pay for them, because he thinks we should have waited the expected 3 years or so, for the NHS to do its thing. He says it’s my choice not to wait but he won’t be paying his half. This runs into thousands. (Any sen parent will be nodding at the enormous costs involved.)

School trips - he refuses to reply when I ask for half the cost. The twins have a residential this year, at £250 each plus a separate trip of £55 each. The eldest is doing a lot of scouting activities which all have costs attached. I am picking up the cost of all of this.

My eldest had an ingrown toenail and it went green so I took him to the local chiropodist who sorted it out on the spot. £50. Ex said I should have waited for an NHS referral or took him to a&e.

He won’t pay for school shoes or trainers, or school coats because he said they can wear them out of school and so they are not uniform.

What do I do? I divorced him for financial abuse, and coercive control, you will be astonished to hear.

The consent order will be a year old in august which is when I can go to CSA, but even that doesn’t really fix anything as he pays his maintenance on the dot.

Anyone? I can’t afford to go back to the solicitor.

Urgh - he sounds awful.

Could you book a free 30 minute initial consultation with a different solicitor just to get a broad idea of your options?

I don't have any legal knowledge at all on this issue, but I found this on Google: www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/what-happens-if-a-consent-order-is-breached/ This suggests that as a starting point you need to send him a formal letter (which I imagine you could do yourself) detailing all the breaches and that ignoring the letter will result in you heading to court.

Am wondering if you might get better replies moving this from AIBU to legal? x

Hi there, @Scruplefull - we've now moved your thread over to Legal Matters, as requested. Hope that helps.

Some of the things you list are irrelevant. The consent order does not require him to pay for laptops, phones, uniform for scouts, scouting activities, etc.

Also, the order is clear that you have to agree this stuff in advance, so he isn't required to contribute towards the chiropodist's bill, school trips, etc., unless you agreed it with him beforehand.

The wording you have quoted appears to give him a get out of jail free card. If you don't get his agreement to a cost beforehand, he doesn't have to contribute. Even if you ask him before incurring the cost, all he has to do is say he doesn't agree and he doesn't have to pay.

If you want certainty as to whether he is in breach, you need to see a solicitor. If he is in breach of the order, you can go back to court and ask them to enforce it.

The wording you have quoted appears to give him a get out of jail free card.

That is what I think too. I paid a fortune to solicitor for this, do I have any recourse?

Thanks so much for responding, I’m frustrated with it all. I’m over a barrel - he just says no to everything!

How should the wording read in order to hold him to account?

If it didn't have the "on the condition" clause (i.e. the sentence stopped after "as per paragraph 18 above)"), he would have to pay. However, as this is a consent order, you would only have got this if he had agreed. I suspect his lawyer would have wanted this clause in to ensure he wasn't exposed to large liabilities without warning and with no say in the matter.

As for whether you have any recourse, I suspect not but you could make a complaint to your solicitors and see what they say.

Ok that makes sense. So in effect I have no way of enforcing any of that bit then. I’d have to go to court to get it reworded.

Is there anything else I can do? In practical terms? Or am I forever shafted by this bellend?

It is very unlikely you will be able to get the order changed. You can only vary a financial order if there was a Barder event (i.e. something happened shortly after the order was made that invalidated the basis on which it was made) or there is evidence that your ex did not make a full financial disclosure. I suspect you are stuck with it. All you can do is try to get him to agree to any expenditure covered by the order before you spend the money. If he does, he has to pay.

Thanks so much for your reply, depressing thought the facts are. I appreciate your taking the time.

Dors he not pay maintenance? And are you claiming DLA/PIP for them?

Sorry you feel challenged. But something like the toe nail I think he is right.....why didn't you use the NHS? (When my child had an infected nail we went to the walk in and got antibiotics and it cost nothing....) - you obviously have different priorities for spending money which is OK. But you can't expect him to agree with you.

School residential then he should discuss with you what he can afford to contribute so you can nothing decide which the boys do. And he should pay what is then agreed.

I'm afraid your choice to pay for private healthcare is your choice - and your ex doesn't agree with it. Your example of paying £50 for an ingrowing toenail treatment is an example of why he is justified in opposing your use of private healthcare for stuff that you could easily access for free.

It is clear he won't be paying these additional costs anymore. In August, he can open a case with CMS and the order cease to be valid. I am afraid you will have to adapt the lifestyle of your children to your own income and CMS.

If you pay up anyway for your boys to do things he doesn’t have an incentive to contribute. Do you ever say to him that “x wants to do this school trip, but he won’t be able to unless you pay half”. That way there is a need for him to pay and he may be more likely to pay so that his son doesn’t miss out.

yes, welcome to the depressing world of resident parent pays the lot. Where I have to sit on my hands not to type ‘at least he pays maintenance on time’ because of course that should be the least of expectations. Wait until the university costs come along… and he pays a big fat zero whilst you stump up the parental contribution, laptop costs, phone bill etc.
Leopards don’t change their spots. You divorced the man because he was financially abusive and controlling; he’s not suddenly going to become dad of the year. Sorry.

Who is paying the school fees?

I don't understand ...
paying thousands for private medical care
purchase of "compulsory" laptops for school
£50 for ingrown toenail
expensive scouts (since when are scouts expensive, anyway)
£305 for each child's residential trip
vs.
"I can’t afford to go back to the solicitor."

I'm not saying he's not a jerk ducking his fair share, & this is evidently a high resource family.

Yes he pays maintenance, on the dot, at CMS rates. Yes the kids get DLA.

The diagnostic process for SEN and EHCP is eye watering. You can either wait years and years to be seen, whilst your child suffers, or pay for private diagnostics, by the same paediatricians. It’s queue jumping in effect. That’s what we did together for the eldest and then when his siblings presented in the same way, he refused to contribute.

They are privately medicated too and will be passed back to the NHS once their dose has been stabilised. In between I’m picking up the cost of the prescriptions and the cost of the appointment to titrate. Unmedicated, they’re loopy.

They are at a local state comprehensive. It is a “bring your own device” school, laptops are part of compulsory equipment. They haven’t got fantastic spanking ones either, just what the spec was from the school.

As for the toenail, walk-in here is minor injuries and they said they wouldn’t touch his toe as it looked like it needed specialist cutting on the nail, and said we should go to GP who would refer us to chiropody. GP had no appointments and wouldn’t deal with it over the phone and just suggested I keep ringing every morning for a cancellation. Meanwhile his toe was leaking green pus and he couldn’t get his shoe on properly. We went to the private chiropodist nearby who sorted it very quickly.

I don’t know if this is any help, or how old your DCs are, but for my own financially abusive bellend, I‘ve found 3 years in that it’s a question of picking the battles.

so private chiropadist, coats, private meds etc I would just suck up (have done) because no way will exh contribute so it’s not worth the hassle and my resentment. Plus it gives me the comfort of being the best parent to them I can be.

school trips, scouts etc are extras. I say to the kids, as per pp, the cost is this much, and I’d course mum and dad will have to share it. So I email EXH and say DC is doing this trip, we need to split the cost. DC know that if we share the cost, he can go. Please make your contribution, you can pay direct to me or to DC. And - these days - I ask the kids to remind dad to pay his half.

you could maybe put school hardware (laptop etc) in that bracket too.

Basically, it’s anything ‘extra’ that , if he doesn’t contribute, he’ll look bad in the eyes of the kids. And EXh thinks he’s father of the year, so doesn’t want to be ‘shamed’ by them asking why he hasn’t paid.

so far, it’s worked. It might be helpful for you too.

exh is so financially controlling that he will not pay direct to me, but pays DC - who then transfers the money to me. Which is mad, but at least I get it.