Is my DH likely to be awarded shared custody of baby and toddler?

[Laker56]

This is a long post. I tried to make it shorter but couldn't without leaving out essential info.

I've been married to my DH for nearly 5 years. We have two DC - one aged under a year and the other aged under 4 years. My husband says he wants to divorce me. I don't know if he will go through with it. I may if he doesn't. Either way, he says he wants shared custody of our DC. I don't want that. I don't think my DH is a terrible father, but he has been an absent one as he works long hours as a lawyer (he often goes for 4-5 days at a time without seeing the little one plus he works most weekends). I work too, but I am around a lot more and am the emotional lynchpin of our family. Our DC are very attached to me. They would be distressed to be separated from me overnight, even if they were with their father, especially the little one, with whom I have co-slept since birth. There is a complicating factor. We have a prenup. In the prenup it says there will be a presumption of shared custody. The prenup is problematic because it does not provide for my financial needs fairly in circumstances where there is a lot of money. I don't know if problems with the pre-nup's financial elements undermine the bit about shared custody. Something to think about.

My DH says he has consulted his solicitors and they say he is likely to get shared custody of our DC if it comes to a legal battle. I don't know if this can be right. I am scared to death. What he says might be bollocks. I feel outgunned (both financially, because he can spend more money on legal fees, and because law is his expert field, although he is a commercial lawyer).

My question for you is, have you experienced something similar? If so, what happened? Do you have any advice?

I am seeking legal advice next week but want some reassurance in the meantime that my DC will not be taken away from me for multi-day periods each week. That would kill me. I am happy to provide access and allow my DH to stay overnight in our family home to facilitate his contact with our DC. This is not about stopping him having access - it's about keeping my DC under the same roof as me as they are sensitive souls and would not cope well with being away from me or shuttling back and forth between two different homes.

@intru For what it's worth, I work full-time as well - 50-60 hours a week - but I am always there in the morning and home for bath and bedtime. I make up my hours by working in the evening after I have put my DC down. Nor has my DH supported us financially. I earn as much as him in a professional role. We split costs. I make >£600k p.a., so I am as much a breadwinner as he is. I am also the heart and soul of our home and family life. I am not punishing him for working hard. I work every damn bit as hard as he does, but I have chosen to prioritise my children, whereas he has not. That is the reason I do not want shared custody. No doubt you will also say, if she's earning that much, how is it that the pre-nup doesn't provide for her. Well, people's needs are very different and mine are significant. I live in an expensive area of London. I need a house not a flat. I have a full-time nanny. We envisage educating our children privately. That all adds up to a lot. Anyway, I don't know why I'm bothering with you really. Take your nasty presumptions elsewhere.

If you make £600k a year why on earth are you seeking legal advice from Mumsnet? You could speak to a barrister for a whole hour for about £1k.

actually it’s about £2.5 k

I knew I should have stuck at law for longer! Still, on £600k a year I'd probably want to speak to a barrister about a matter like this.

I wish I hadn't gone into the nhs! More than 600k a year...wowser!!

Yep. My experience was start point 50/50. Prior involvement wasn’t even considered.

If you earn 600K you could afford a barrister. Not sure why you’re on here

My ex asked for 50/50. He similarly was often away / unavailable / un-involved in parenting (or taking responsibility for any part of our lives for that matter - this was my purview as the 'woman') prior to our divorcing. Like you I adapted my life to my child, and work anti social hours accordingly. I wasn't prepared to agree to anything near 50/50 because I knew when it came to it he would opt in / opt out whenever it suited him as he always had. Our DD was but 2 at the time.

After 2.5 long years in / out of court, a final order was made for 70% with me / 30% with him. In over a decade he's never taken his 30%, no where near. It took all of less than 6 months for him to start cancelling often 30 mins before he was meant to collect DD. Thankfully, about 8 years after the order was made he went for residence or absent that 50/50 again.. they removed the contact he never took.. It's now about 85% vs 15%.

Speaking as someone who is a decade plus from where you stand and who had to tolerable their ex's opt in / opt out with a very young child who was only attached to me, you are absolutely right in your fear that your children will struggle. Our DD had significant difficulties with separation anxiety and this has had a lasting impact. She is now a teen, and still struggles. Even 1 night is terribly hard. Attachment should be far more central to these decisions since not all children ''adjust'' or ''adapt'' as the family courts would like to have you believe. At least in our case, having not built that attachment in infancy, he had significant work to do to make up for this. As it happens he did not, and here we are.

You want a very good lawyer able to focus on the children only, and a separate one for the financial matters. I am doubtful that any presumption of shared custody in a pre-nup would override in contact matters as the welfare of the child is meant to be paramount. Whatever you do, do not look to mix money & contact.

You are in the top 0.5% of earners in the UK but you are worried about legal fees? Really? And concerned that the prenup won't provide for a nanny and private schooling when you can blatantly afford those things on your salary alone. I mean you should have to but you can. You are worrying about things you can fix. Just focus on the things you do need help with, like navigating custody agreements, and get a good barrister to help you with those.

The prenup is problematic because it does not provide for my financial needs fairly in circumstances

You earn £600k a year. Don't be absurd.

Start implementing it now, every other day he is responsible for all childcare, you do nothing. Sit back and laugh. He wont even manage a day.

OP surely meant 60k?

At 600k it would be madness to worry about legal fees.

You feel financially outgunned despite earning 600K a year? Is that a typo?

Well, people's needs are very different and mine are significant. I live in an expensive area of London. I need a house not a flat. I have a full-time nanny. We envisage educating our children privately. That all adds up to a lot.

None of those are needs.

You don’t need to live in an expensive area of London.

You don’t need a house.

You don’t need a full time nanny.

You do not need to educate your kids privately.

You do need a reality check though.

Maybe OP is paying back a vairy exclusive wedding and trip to Maui?

People sometimes make things up on the internet…

This has to be a trolling thread - from the tone of the initial post I suspected it might be, but the latest update cements it.

The kids would cope fine with the change, you’re just putting your own wants first.
If you choose to co-sleep, you need to adjust this for the situation unfolding as he has a right to decent time with his kids (especially as they grow)

Just to say that Shared Care (custody isn't a thing) does not have to be 50/50.

She's does probably realistically need a full time nanny if she's in a 600k job a year. They're usually not your sort of jobs where you can say 'sorry, I've got to leave for nursery pickup'. Agree on the rest of it though.

OP is you earn roughly the same, why do you feel financially outgunned? Legal advice is something you should be prioritizing here. Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar.

It's not clear what you mean by shared custody but you seem to be objecting to him having any overnights at all. The age of the youngest may delay that a bit, but you are going to need to accept that if he wants overnights, and isn't a risk to the children (nothing you've saud suggests they would be in danger overnight with him), then you need to accept that is going to happen (unless he decides to drop it).

I feel outgunned (both financially, because he can spend more money on legal fees,

You earn £600k OP!!!! You are far from destitute

Is this some sort of a weird reverse?

In any case, I’d start with adjusting your language ‘our children’, not ‘my children’. With your attitude of ‘not wanting shared custody’ you will end up in court and will be in for a shock. As mentioned above, your children have a right to a relationship with both their parents. You do not have any rights, just responsibilities. Your precious ‘needs’, as you list them will mean very little when it comes to child arrangements - the court will focus on the children’s needs, not your wants and presumption of sharing time with both parents is a given.
Perhaps a meeting with a lawyer will provide the reality check you so obviously need.

A court won't care less about what's best for you, or how heart broken you'll be, they'll consider the interests of the kids. If he wants to have them 50/50 and he's able to facilitate this then I think they'd need to be compelling reasons for it not to happen.

Both of you work long hours. Why would you have any more claim over the DC than him?

My ex started with 3 nights a week including one day at the weekend, so almost 50/50 . When he met his 2nd wife he dropped it to eow. and a night in week. When he met his 3rd wife it dropped to roughly 1 weekend a month. Then gradually it just became as snd when.