Is my DH likely to be awarded shared custody of baby and toddler?

[Laker56]

This is a long post. I tried to make it shorter but couldn't without leaving out essential info.

I've been married to my DH for nearly 5 years. We have two DC - one aged under a year and the other aged under 4 years. My husband says he wants to divorce me. I don't know if he will go through with it. I may if he doesn't. Either way, he says he wants shared custody of our DC. I don't want that. I don't think my DH is a terrible father, but he has been an absent one as he works long hours as a lawyer (he often goes for 4-5 days at a time without seeing the little one plus he works most weekends). I work too, but I am around a lot more and am the emotional lynchpin of our family. Our DC are very attached to me. They would be distressed to be separated from me overnight, even if they were with their father, especially the little one, with whom I have co-slept since birth. There is a complicating factor. We have a prenup. In the prenup it says there will be a presumption of shared custody. The prenup is problematic because it does not provide for my financial needs fairly in circumstances where there is a lot of money. I don't know if problems with the pre-nup's financial elements undermine the bit about shared custody. Something to think about.

My DH says he has consulted his solicitors and they say he is likely to get shared custody of our DC if it comes to a legal battle. I don't know if this can be right. I am scared to death. What he says might be bollocks. I feel outgunned (both financially, because he can spend more money on legal fees, and because law is his expert field, although he is a commercial lawyer).

My question for you is, have you experienced something similar? If so, what happened? Do you have any advice?

I am seeking legal advice next week but want some reassurance in the meantime that my DC will not be taken away from me for multi-day periods each week. That would kill me. I am happy to provide access and allow my DH to stay overnight in our family home to facilitate his contact with our DC. This is not about stopping him having access - it's about keeping my DC under the same roof as me as they are sensitive souls and would not cope well with being away from me or shuttling back and forth between two different homes.

Yes, your husband is likely to get shared custody. Courts will look at the rights of the children and children have a right to know and spend time with both their parents, not whether it will hurt you to share the custody.

Luckily yours are young enough that they will learn to deal with the set up quickly. Children are much more resilient and adaptable than we often give them credit for.

Yes, unless you have evidence he has or will somehow neglect or abuse DC, it's very likely he'll get joint custody. That said, the best thing you can do is wait for your legal advice appt and listen to your solicitors. Anything you read on here will be based on other people's personal experiences and lives, not your own so won't have any bearing on what might happen in your own divorce. Every case is unique and should be treated as so, especially in a case involving a pre-nup.

In short, yes.

The presumption is that it is always in a child's best interests to have a relationship with both parents unless there is a safeguarding reason which would prohibit this.

As far as the law is concerned, you do not have rights as a parent. You have responsibilities towards your children. Everything is decided from the perspective of the rights of the child.

You need to consult with a solicitor to discuss your individual circumstances, but any attempt to withhold access will reflect badly on you. Rather, a better approach is to negotiate access that is child centred, for example that overnights in a new home is too soon and to offer a schedule to work up to that.

The courts will be far more favourable if you adopt an approach that is reasonable and demonstrates you are putting your children's needs first (and saying they will miss me won't cut it).

I agree with the posters above. You really need Soliciotrs advice.

Might I suggest that you start to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Offering him to come to your house for overnight access isn't going to happen.
Unless there is neglect or abuse, he is an equal parent and even if the decision isn't for 50/50 (say every other weekend and 1 night dirung the week) it certainly won't be at your house.

It would probably help if you say which country you are from, so that you get more country specific advice, as your mention of pre nups makes me think maybe you are not in the UK as they are more unusual in the UK?

Ultimately though you have two equal parents, both of whom it is in the childrens best interests to have a relationship with. I don't think that you can just throw around demands about where the father is allowed to see his own children. You aren't providing access as if that is yours to gatekeep.

My ex husband worked in a similar job and also said that he wanted 50% custody. Like yours, he went for days without seeing the children and spent weeks away from home for work.

In the 12 months after he left, he had the children for less than 7 nights TOTAL at his house. In the second year he had them for less than 5 nights.

He’s not had them a single night this year and he’s only seem then about 3 times, just for a few hours. He is to busy with his work, playing golf and holidaying with his affair partner.

He only ever wanted 50:50 so he didn’t have to pay child support. But when he found out how much work it was looking after children, he decided to investigate creative ways of avoiding paying child support instead.

So he pays for two months then stops. CMS launch an investigation, which takes them about 3 months . Then he starts again for a month or so, then makes a part payment, the stops. Rinse and repeat.

Now he’s decide to quit his job and go self employed so he doesn’t have to pay anything. So it was all about money and nothing to do with the children.

Most of these men don’t give a flying fuck about having their kids, they only care about punishing or controlling their ex and about money.

Offering him to come to your house for overnight access isn't going to happen.

Not necessarily, if he agreed to it, but that non withstanding I'd agree it's a very bad idea.

It can be very confusing for the children for a start in navigating their parents separation.

Also for the OP, having an ex in what will be her home overnight might feel like a good compromise now, but will wear thin pretty quickly.

OP I understand this is absolutely heartbreaking for you, but it will be ok.

Don't make any decisions until you see a solicitor.

IME during divorce many men demand 50/50 but don't actually want it. Offer reasonable access that's child focused and builds to overnights (especially for the younger child).

Make him work for it by offering a contact schedule that means he has to make work compromises. When he can't do that/won't do that then you have the stronger hand.

Don't make the mistake of not supporting contact.

That's not an unfamiliar scenario.

Unfortunately some fathers are simply pretty awful people.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You and your children deserve better and he deserves his nuts scrubbed with a dirty Brillo pad.

50:50 is unlikely given his (lack of) commitment so far.
Pre-nups in the UK are not always seen as watertight and I'd suggest that yours may be problematic given your DH's occupation (I'm assuming you are not also a lawyer!).
And finally, yes lawyers tend to come up with a whole load of bluster to try and throw the opposition off.

You need some proper legal advice.

It’s unlikely, for two reasons.

1. His work schedule. He barely sees them now, whilst living with them. This will have a difference. 1A) How does he propose to look after them solo? Will he be cutting back on his hours? Or will he be out the door before they’re awake, not back till they’re asleep and DCs be with a Nanny for 14 hours a day, not actually seeing their father for the 2-3 days they’re there, rather they’re just at his house.

2. The age of your youngest - nobody is going to order 50/50 for an under 3YO.

Yes it's important to factor in what he's actually likely to want in reality.

He cant have 50/50 unless he devotes 50% of his time to his kids. He is not gonna do that. Just nod along and let him play the game. Dont resist any part. Be enthusiastic. Not a chance he will do it.

Wait until he realises his delusional idea of being a single parent is brought into sharp relief against the reality of one
wait until the free childcare and being a dad when he can be dries up
wait until he finds out the cost of childcare and what he will still have to do once they’ve left unless he gets a live in Nanny and if that’s the case no court will see that in the child’s best interest at their age and the wider circumstances

what he thinks he wants what he actually will get and what he really can do are piles apart

get a good solicitor and stay strong
also pretty much what @J0CASTA wrote is also highly likely to pan out too

Most courts also agree that with smaller children it’s best to have a base home where they spend the majority of their time (say 60%) and it’s not until they are older people go 50/50. Then they hit their teenage years and set their own pattern based around hobbies and seeing friends / school etc

This always tickles me. A man, who goes away for 5 consecutive nights, fairly regularly, who is out of the hisie before his kids are up and back as they go to bed are delusional if they think 50/50 would work.

How is he going to get the kids to school/nursery? What's he going to do about work trips?

Often, it's a way of controlling women, to say this stuff, but the reality is really different.

Like a pp said, of be enthusiastic about it to his face. Great, I'm going to go to < insert destination > for a few nights, start an evening class, join a pub quiz team, whatever it is you could do with your 50% of child free time. Then he'll realise that he prefers the thought of you chained to the home unable to meet new people or have a life rather than him having to be chained to the home for the 50% of the time he has them.

Get legal advice, slap on your best, 'I can't wait smile', and hang tight.

Also what happens when they are sick, off school, need GP, dentist etc. He has not got a chance of doing 50%. He will have to hire someone and thats not 50% care thats paid care. This is about control. Just sit it out and smile and wave.

Sounds similar to my ExH. We settled on 60/40 in my favour in the end, via mediation. He pays no maintenance, to stop it going to court, as I would rather the time with the kids than the money and that was the only way to reach an agreement (I was advised 50/50 as the most likely court outcome). DC 2 and 4 at the time.

The first year was shit for all involved. But then, he did actually step up. He is a vastly better father than when we were together. He has a relationship he would never otherwise have achieved with them. I have got used to it and benefit from some mental space, though I found the initial year unbearable. I refused to help at all from the first day, so he changed job role and company to be there more. He does doctors, dentists, play dates, all that crap, to the same degree I do. We have a good co parenting relationship, that is vastly superior to the set up when together still - his new partner is fabulous and has calmed him to the same degree I enraged him... (I love her, she is our go between when things get tricky. I tell her frequently how lucky we all are to have her in our lives). I hope if your's demands it, it works out well for you too, it is definitely a situation that can be ok, even if hard💐.

You've got two issues here.
Pre nup. Did you follow all the rules to make sure it was as potentially binding as possible. Did you both take independent legal advice. Was it entered into at least 21 days before marriage. Is it fair and reasonable.

Child arrangements. It is unlikely a court will order shared care with such young children. They will not order him to return to the family home for contact. If he has somewhere he can take them then he will be allowed to do so.

The court doesn't much care if he is a big fancy lawyer. They want what is in the best interests of the children

Considering their father doesn’t co-parent and the children are very young it’s very unlikely.

you need a decent lawyer.

@Herja how refreshing to read. 💐

This is similar to my experience too. Don't worry OP these situations tend to resolve themselves pretty quickly in that these kinds of men are shocked at just how much work it is and get bored of 50/50 very quickly. Keep quiet for now and get a very good lawyer.

I think a lot of dads settle for 5/14 days. No: 50:50 in the courts isn’t the norm for small Dc when dad is working very full time. He would have to get a nanny. He won’t want the heavy lifting. What about school/nursery arrangements? A pre nup is a guide. It’s not legally binding. I’m amazed it covers child arrangements. I would argue this was not fair. So get a very good family lawyer and barrister. Your DH seems a piece of work. Nasty snd vindictive.

He’s been working a lot to support the family, including the OP and her children. He can choose now to reduce his hours in order to be able to share parenting.

It’s appalling the number of women who want to punish a man for working hard like this. So many of you will then expect him to keep working hard despite having no custody to keep the ex and her children well looked-after.

Shared custody doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50. (Am I wrong?)

It just means that you both share the task of looking after the children. So 20/80 is possible.

i think it would be unfair to never let the children stay over at his house on a regular basis, surely you don’t want them to never do that?

I agree with the posters above

On one hand we have the ex DH who wants shared custody (not necessarily 50/50)

On the other hand we have the OP who thinks its okay to say she will 'provide access' as long as its where she is living

I'm not sure its the DH who is starting from the wrong position here

However, on a more practical note OP, give the ages of the children and your willingness for the DH to come back overnight perhaps birdnesting is the best solution until the children are a little older