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Original poster

Access to newborn

34 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 22/10/2022 12:41

Hi,I've not posted here before,I'm currently pregnant and my ex is threatening to take me to court for access, does anyone have any experience amd can shed light on timescales,what may happen,what access he will get and will it be from birth? The thought of handing my new baby over is causing me lots of worry
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/10/2022 17:36

Try not to worry. Just concentrate on being the best mum you can be. If he does go as far as court ( is there a reason this can't be sorted amicably?) then full consideration will be given to the age of your baby and their needs.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 17:37

Why is he having to go the court route?

titchy · 23/10/2022 17:40

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 17:37

Why is he having to go the court route?

Well given there is no baby, obviously no reason at all Hmm

WeAreAllDead · 23/10/2022 17:41

Probably because he’s one of those arseholes that wants 50/50 from the second the poor thing is born/is abusive/controlling/flight risk/etc, take your pick

LovingLifesHurdles · 23/10/2022 17:52

As far as I know it's not possible to start the court process until after the baby is born and does take months to get through. Also if you are breastfeeding they do take that into account that he won't be able to have the baby for very long at a time.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 19:57

Surely you can sort access amicably, without forcing him to go down the court route! No?

MolliciousIntent · 23/10/2022 20:07

Why does this need to go to court?

A friend of mine had a baby with a FWB - they coparent really well. He took paternity leave and stayed with them for the first fortnight, slept on the sofa and looked after them both, then after that he came round every evening after work to have some time with his son and establish his own relationship. This carried on until the baby was old enough to do overnights (18m I think) and by the time he was at school they had been doing 50/50 for years.

Yes, a newborn baby only really needs it's mother. But unless he's abusive, and I'd assume you'd put that in the OP if it were the case, it's incredibly unfair of you to stand in the way of your child's relationship with their father. You're equal parents. The baby is not your property.

WeAreAllDead · 23/10/2022 21:14

MolliciousIntent · 23/10/2022 20:07

Why does this need to go to court?

A friend of mine had a baby with a FWB - they coparent really well. He took paternity leave and stayed with them for the first fortnight, slept on the sofa and looked after them both, then after that he came round every evening after work to have some time with his son and establish his own relationship. This carried on until the baby was old enough to do overnights (18m I think) and by the time he was at school they had been doing 50/50 for years.

Yes, a newborn baby only really needs it's mother. But unless he's abusive, and I'd assume you'd put that in the OP if it were the case, it's incredibly unfair of you to stand in the way of your child's relationship with their father. You're equal parents. The baby is not your property.

Yet despite your sample size of 1, which is extremely unusual, you can’t possible understand why not everyone can do this?!

Christ.

Whiskeypowers · 23/10/2022 21:52

WeAreAllDead · 23/10/2022 21:14

Yet despite your sample size of 1, which is extremely unusual, you can’t possible understand why not everyone can do this?!

Christ.

Show quote history

quite

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 24/10/2022 08:37

Sorry I've just just got notifications on this post, things are obviously not amicable between us at the moment clearly, I'm not forcing him to go to court as I'd rather have a say in amount and frequency of contact and still be nearby to facilitate breastfeeding and support,my ex has never even held a baby etc, when we broke up his behaviour scared my older child, he hasnt even apologised to my child for this and I have concerns about how he would cope with sleepless nights and screaming baby,no the child is not my property but after carrying znd birthing it and breastfeeding etc I'm not super keen for a judge to decide I have to hand the baby over for extended periods of time without consideration to the impact to the breastfeeding journey,my health and the impact on my existing child

OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 24/10/2022 08:41

My ex is not being very amicable towards me when he calls me a lying cut and a slg, just Saturday he said he's happy to go to war,ive asked him not to contact me until after the birth as I don't need the stress,he has said he won't pay towards anything like carseats etc,he also wants a dna test,which I've said is fine but I'm sick of the name calling ,I've asked what contact or access would look like to him to see of its feasible and he won't engage

OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 24/10/2022 08:42

Im not forcing him,he's making threats,probably to scare me into compliance

OP posts:
Throughabushbackwards · 24/10/2022 08:45

I would be blocking his number and having no contact at all from now on. If he wants to go to a lawyer let him, but until he forces you to act I would lay low and ignore him Flowers

clpsmum · 24/10/2022 08:46

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 19:57

Surely you can sort access amicably, without forcing him to go down the court route! No?

Victim blaming at its finest. You have no idea of the circumstances. OP is not forgiving anybody to do anything. Lots of parents are unable to sort access amicably

KangarooKenny · 24/10/2022 08:47

I’m assuming you’re not married so won’t be putting his name on the birth certificate ?
And breast feed if you can, it means baby has to be with you to feed on demand.

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2022 08:49

Keep copies of all text messages and emails.

send him a text advising that due to the abuse you will be blocking his number on all forums. And will only give him an email address which you will check once a week.

I don’t believe judges do like to interfere in breast feeding routines but I could be wrong.

Mapleapple · 24/10/2022 08:50

clpsmum · 24/10/2022 08:46

Victim blaming at its finest. You have no idea of the circumstances. OP is not forgiving anybody to do anything. Lots of parents are unable to sort access amicably

Show quote history

This. I have recently seen a real increase in the posters automatically overly worried for the “poor man” in a situation. It was clear from OP’s post this wasn’t a cordial situation.

Branleuse · 24/10/2022 08:55

First things. Im assuming you arent married.
I would say if hes being such an arsehole, ignore him as much as you can. Block him. Give the baby your own name. Maybe even move house.
If hes really determined he could still fight for access when the child is older, but if he really had his childs interests at heart, he would not act like an arsehole to its mother.
Men like this are pathetic and this level of fuckery is harmful

cavi1 · 24/10/2022 08:55

IF he takes this to court, you won't be forced to hand over a newborn. Contact will be little and often and at your house. An hour every day for example. The idea would be to work towards overnights and more shared residency by the time child is getting towards two, though he could get overnights before then.

I strongly advise you don't put him on the birth certificate- this can be done later if he steps up and acts like a dad, don't take excuses about maintenance and claim as soon as baby is born and persevere, persevere, persevere with breastfeeding. Not sure if you breastfed your oldest child but if not do all the research you can before baby is here and find who you can contact for support if it's not going well. A judge would never remove a breastfed infant for contact or force you to pump milk etc. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope he manages to co- parent reasonably with you once baby is here

WOPTF · 24/10/2022 09:06

Make sure when baby is born you register alone with no father's details, and give baby your name. If he proves himself to be a dad, he can always be added at a later date. If he's on the birth register he has joint parental responsibility.
Given the situation, he'll have to take the court route and it's unlikely I'd have thought, that they'd separate a breastfeeding baby from mother for any period so contact time would be short and in your presence initially anyway.
As others said I'd block him and keep all copies of all communications in case needed later on. Focus on pregnancy, older child and newborn when it arrives.

Bestcatmum · 24/10/2022 09:10

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 19:57

Surely you can sort access amicably, without forcing him to go down the court route! No?

No there are some men you cannot talk to or reason with at all. My first husband would come and pick up DS then force his way into the house when I opened the door and beat me up.
After numerous injunctions and court cases he lost custody of DS altogether. It was a disgrace that it took so long. DS ended up with PTSD because of the court's pathetic behaviour.

Prescottdanni123 · 24/10/2022 09:24

@MolliciousIntent

The man you describe sounds fantastic. Unfortunately not all men are. And sometimes women don't always recognise abusive behaviours so don't label their ex-partners as being so. If men can't be reasoned with, sometimes court is the only route.

@ThatGirlInACountrySong Forcing?! From the sounds of it, the ex-partner is the one trying to force the issue instead of trying to come to an amicable agreement.

Whiskeypowers · 24/10/2022 09:47

The more you write about him the worse it gets
block this man completely and let him take you to court. If he can be bothered or afford it

silverclock222 · 24/10/2022 09:51

Go to court and get it sorted legally.

RedWingBoots · 24/10/2022 09:53

WOPTF · 24/10/2022 09:06

Make sure when baby is born you register alone with no father's details, and give baby your name. If he proves himself to be a dad, he can always be added at a later date. If he's on the birth register he has joint parental responsibility.
Given the situation, he'll have to take the court route and it's unlikely I'd have thought, that they'd separate a breastfeeding baby from mother for any period so contact time would be short and in your presence initially anyway.
As others said I'd block him and keep all copies of all communications in case needed later on. Focus on pregnancy, older child and newborn when it arrives.

Since she isn't married to/in a civil partnership with the father unless he attends or completes a form, he can't be put on the birth certificate.