Birth certificate and control

[Figarolechat]

Hello

I am an academic working in STEM subject and am asked to attend and present findings at conferences or invited to give guest lectures internationally quite often. For example, 3 to 4 times a year for upto 1 week at a time.

I had a baby 9 months ago, unmarried ex was not put on birth certificate as he left whilst I was pregnant and I didnt hear from him until sporadic contact started at a few months ago. He has just realised he isn't on the birth certificate and wants to be added. Completely understandable.

However, he is now saying that he will stop me travelling and i cant take our baby on these trips with me. I have explained the childcare provision available, the wonderful experiences they will have (as my travel bookings have lots of downtime and cultural experinces), and by not going it will hamper my career opportunities and ability to provide for our child, as well as needing to feed them. He says that as I travel approx 4 times a year, the courts will give him custody. I feel he will use the birth certificate against me and is further going to control my life. Can anyone advise please?

If he contested residency/contact arrangements it would end up in court at which point you get added to the COA that child can accompany you on work trips abroad without his permission outside of school term time. So whenever before DC is school age.

Agree with what’s been said.
Do not put him on the birth certificate, he cannot be added without your consent at this stage.
Send an email stating from now on all communication will be via email.
Do not engage with him at all unless he does this. If he calls, hang up, send text re stating email communication only so he has your email. Then block him so that is his only option.

OP I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I think like other posters have said, you need to respond to these threats from him by being equally shitty.

No more contact. No more answering his phonecalls. Tell him he can communicate with you by email and let him deal with court fees and lengthy delays and expensive solicitors.

He may be bothered, he may not - he hasn't exactly been dad of the year so far.

If it does get to court then you will lawyer up and get someone fab to explain that he has made threats of coercive control which will negatively impact your career.

Best of luck.

There is little point in refusing to put him on the birth certificate. If he goes to court, he will get PR. However, there is no way he will get an order that your child lives with him based on you going out of the country three or four times a year.

If he is going to be difficult, you should apply for a Child Arrangements Order stating that your child lives with you. Once you have that, you can take your child out of the country for up to a month without needing his consent.

At the moment he hasn't taken you to court. You've had some good advice about refusing to engage verbally. Get everything in writing and go from there.

The judge can insist that your baby can travel with you

@Figarolechat, please read and follow @prh47bridge advice they are giving your free legal advice as that's their profession (just in case you didn't "know them" from various boards on MN)

I agree with hanging up, just state I will only converse by email, so I’m ending the call

ultimately though wait until action and he’s going to have to see it through, is he really in a position to do that ?

He says that as I travel approx 4 times a year, the courts will give him custody.

What a load of rubbish!! As if the court will give him custody - who has had no contact and now sporadic contact with his dc.

I'd get good legal advice.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Thanks everyone, lots of sound advice here. I just wish I was easier or not like this.

First part, yes.

Second part, ONLY if he applies for and gets PR. Getting PR doesn't mean he'll re-register the birth to add his name to the certificate - that is an extra step. But you don't need a CAO to travel unless he has PR - and if you apply for a CAO now, he will simply piggy back on your application to get his PR. Let him do the work and pay the fees.

Incidentally, you could try playing him at his own game and say in response to his threats 'oh that's fine, once you have PR you can look after Daisy whilst I travel, means I can have some free adult time'. I can almost guarantee he'll be apoplectic at the thought that he'll be the one left holding the baby whilst you swan around for a week free as a bird and will ensure he is never left in that position. It's not the baby he wants to take care of, it's you he wants to control.

There is little point in refusing to put him on the birth certificate. If he goes to court, he will get PR.
I think the point is: that's a big if. Let him do more than bluster before @Figarolechat gives him anything.

Had the same problem with my DD's father. All threats, bluster and coercion. Honestly, putting everything in writing and refusing to communicate verbally is best, if he can't speak to you in a civil fashion. I did this and it worked wonders. Let him do the leg work re. the birth cert. and going to court. My ex did an about face when he realised he could end up being forced to take more responsibility for our daughter if the courts got involved.

I think if he really does get the ball rolling to take it to court, then that would be the right time to add him (because, as prh47 says, he would be able to this and secure PR via the courts). I don't see the value in doing so unless/until he does that - in the vague hope it's empty words.

Then follow the rest of the advice about getting a CAO

Move your residence to an EU country if you can, where laws are more protective of victim of abusers and women in general so that your future and your child's is safe.