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Original poster

Birth certificate and control

40 replies

Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 06:01

Hello

I am an academic working in STEM subject and am asked to attend and present findings at conferences or invited to give guest lectures internationally quite often. For example, 3 to 4 times a year for upto 1 week at a time.

I had a baby 9 months ago, unmarried ex was not put on birth certificate as he left whilst I was pregnant and I didnt hear from him until sporadic contact started at a few months ago. He has just realised he isn't on the birth certificate and wants to be added. Completely understandable.

However, he is now saying that he will stop me travelling and i cant take our baby on these trips with me. I have explained the childcare provision available, the wonderful experiences they will have (as my travel bookings have lots of downtime and cultural experinces), and by not going it will hamper my career opportunities and ability to provide for our child, as well as needing to feed them. He says that as I travel approx 4 times a year, the courts will give him custody. I feel he will use the birth certificate against me and is further going to control my life. Can anyone advise please?

OP posts:
Sortilege · 23/06/2022 06:08

I had a similar issue with ex, (un)fortunately he behaved badly enough that he wasn’t safe near DC, so the control issues at least resolved themselves, which was a considerable silver lining.

I am sure you’ll get a proper legal opinion soon, but basically the upshot of the advice I was given is that he can make life very difficult, so tactically, my civilian advice is that if he doesn’t have your child’s best interests at heart (and has already been an inconsistent presence in their life), your best course is not to enable him or cater to him in any way. Maybe he won’t bother with the multi step court process to establish and register paternity, seek contact and so on,

AuntieStella · 23/06/2022 06:10

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Wait and see if he actually goes to court about any of this.

I would not want to even attempt to parent with someone who threatens a custody battle over an existing set of workable arrangements, when they have had nil followed by sporadic contact.

It will be less stressful to deal with him on paper (rather than having to talk in response to threats like that) so move towards using email/text/whatever in a form that you need look at only when you want to (rather than popping up whenever he has sent)

Also, you can keep them in case he does start any actions

In the meantime, just be breezy and competent, and tell him there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing (because there isn't)

Original poster
Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 06:14

He is already threatening to go to court to be put on birth certificate. He has access when he wants, I dont block him in any way... but he has already threatened to stop me travelling with our child as soon as he gets on the certificate. Unfortunately he wont communicate by text or email, just verbal.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/06/2022 06:17

Is there any chance he was dumb enough to put any of that in writing?

IANAL but I really can’t see the courts giving him full custody. I would think the worst possible outcome might be 50/50 with him having custody while you are traveling but even that would be a massive long shot.

He can’t stop you traveling but he may be able to restrict your child’s travel. That said, typically the resident parent is allowed to travel overseas for up to 28 days without requiring ‘permission’ from the non-resident parent.

It would be worth consulting a lawyer for your own peace of mind but I would put money on him not actually pursuing anything beyond being added to the birth certificate.

Sortilege · 23/06/2022 06:17

Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 06:14

He is already threatening to go to court to be put on birth certificate. He has access when he wants, I dont block him in any way... but he has already threatened to stop me travelling with our child as soon as he gets on the certificate. Unfortunately he wont communicate by text or email, just verbal.

Well stop as hoc access. If he wants access he has to negotiate in writing and agree a schedule. If you don’t play hardball back at him, he will end up running your life.

pompomseverywhere · 23/06/2022 06:24

No communication from now on unless it's in writing.

Don't put him on the birth certificate

DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/06/2022 06:26

With regards to the birth certificate, don’t let anyone (in other words your ex or his solicitor) beat you over the head with the idea that you should have put him on it.

As you will already know, an unmarried mother cannot add a father’s name to the birth certificate. The father needed to be at the registration (ie in contact with you at the time of the birth). To reregister, he will need to fill in the form and have you sign it, either by consent or court order. (I bet he hasn’t done that)

The birth certificate thing is entirely on him.

KangarooKenny · 23/06/2022 06:27

I agree, pull back and stop being so accommodating.
There’s nothing to stop him taking the child abroad when he’s on the birth certificate.

tribpot · 23/06/2022 06:27

Well that's okay - if he wants to go to court to establish parentage, he can do that. There's literally no incentive for you to make it easier for him by acknowledging parentage, given he is then going to stop you from travelling.

You can then also go to court to establish a Specific Issue Order allowing you to travel without his permission.

I wouldn't be too concerned about this for now, he is testing the waters looking for ways in which he can control you. I would try to limit your interactions with him - is there anyone else who can do the handover? Or is he seeing the baby in your presence, given the baby's age and the fact he is a near-total stranger? In which case, could someone else provide that function for the next few visits, as you may find he gets bored if he can't use the visits to upset you.

If you did want more reassurance, you could consult a solicitor now, so you have more information - although I would not let him know that you've done so.

Finally, as a woman in STEM and painfully aware of the issues of underrepresentation at conferences and on panels, I think it's awesome that you are able to travel with a baby and you should be making the most of these opportunities in the pre-school years.

RandomMess · 23/06/2022 06:31

Apply to court to be "the parent with care"/"primary parent" or whatever the current name is - basically that DC resides with you which means you don't need his permission to take child abroad for up to 2 weeks at a time I think it is.

Sounds like you need to have a more formal contact arrangement with him as he is try to control you.

Thevoiceofreasonable · 23/06/2022 06:32

If he does go on the birth certificate, you can then chase him through the CMS for maintenance. Because I'm presuming he doesn't pay any right now.

Stop all access and leave it for him to take it to court.

Littlegoth · 23/06/2022 06:35

@Thevoiceofreasonable he doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate for OP to claim cms

RedPlumbob · 23/06/2022 06:38

You can’t just pop him on the birth certificate anyway, there would need to be a DNA test done by a court approved company (there used to be a list online; not sure now). But do not do this.

Let him keep blustering about court. Most never bother. If he does and they ask why you delayed it, show them the evidence.

Its highly unlikely court would stop you travelling, same for giving him residency just because you travel.

He’s talking shite.

RedPlumbob · 23/06/2022 06:40

Stop the ad hoc contact - it’s not good for the baby, for a start.

If he can’t even commit to regular times and days at this stage, he’s a shit Dad.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 23/06/2022 06:49

You can force him into written only contact with you. Tell him from now on you will respond to emails (preferably) or texts (less convenient when you need to trawl them for evidence) from now on and then just don't answer his calls.

If you can, have someone else facilitate contact with baby rather than you. If that curtails it because baby is breastfed tough luck for him.

If he does take you to court, you will then have his shit written down to present to the magistrates. This is very important because ime they will only find against a man, regardless of how much of an unreliable shit he plainly is, if there is written irrefutable evidence. (Or course if does depend on which magistrates you happen to get but this was my experience)

Seasidemumma77 · 23/06/2022 06:49

I kept a diary of contact between exdh and dd, court could see accurately how sporadic his involvement was and basically laughed him out of court.

felulageller · 23/06/2022 06:58

This is coercive control ie domestic abuse.

Don't let this man near your DD or have rights over her!

Stop contact and if he wants to get a lawyer/ go to court let him.

greenacrylicpaint · 23/06/2022 07:17

agree with pp.
everytime he tells you anything follow it up in writing with an email or text "as discussed earlier..."
create a paper trail.

Original poster
Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 07:36

Everything I have read suggests he will get PR if he goes to court, will the judge take into consideration his potential to control me through it?

OP posts:
Luidaeg · 23/06/2022 07:40

Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 07:36

Everything I have read suggests he will get PR if he goes to court, will the judge take into consideration his potential to control me through it?

You've had some great advice here

Original poster
Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 07:49

Oh I completely agree, and will revert to paper trails etc. He pays maintenance already, I can not consent to him going on the BC but if he goes to court and the inevitable happens that he will be granted PR... what happens then? Of course I can apply to be the resident parent but will that be granted if he refuses?

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 23/06/2022 07:51

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

This. He's already making threats of custody before he's even in it? HA.

Original poster
Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 07:53

I have no intention of putting him on, but if he applies to court to go on I have been told he will be added.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 23/06/2022 07:54

Figarolechat · 23/06/2022 07:53

I have no intention of putting him on, but if he applies to court to go on I have been told he will be added.

That's true, but he'll have to make the effort to do it, which is the point. I think the other advice on here is great as well, good luck

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/06/2022 08:04

If he has PR and refuses you permission to travel you can peruse that through the courts as far as I know. If he puts nothing in writing but is abusing you verbally can you ask someone else to do handovers or supervise contact? Keep a journal now of every call or conversation you have with dates and times.

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