Can grandparents hire private investigators to find out about their grandchildren?

[Feliciacat]

Hi there,

I’m ttc and do not plan to involve my parents at all in my life so I’m not planning to tell them about any children I have. Whilst this may seem harsh, the decision comes after years of belittling and controlling behaviour. I wish I could have a relationship with them but that would require them to be different people.

I know that grandparents have no automatic rights. However, I am aware that they can ask for visitation if they can prove they have a relationship with their grandchildren. If they never meet them then they’ll never be able to make this argument.

However, could they hire a private investigator to get information on my life and the details of any children I have? They are wealthy and they really are unhinged so I believe this is something they would do. Then could they show up at my kid/s school or lie to a court and say they had a relationship with the kid/s?

I want to enjoy this stage of my life but I’m catastrophising about what they might do. My mother likes to ‘win’ at all costs so I imagine she’d be livid if she knew she wasn’t involved in ‘her grandchildren’s’ lives. Hell hath no fury like her scorned. I feel like I could always be looking over my shoulder. Does anyone have any advice please?

Perhaps the children have a right to know their Grand Parents, you put your child first, but your way off this if your in the planning stage.

Perhaps the grandparents are a danger to the children and the children have a right to safety

As far as I’m aware grandparents do not have a right to apply for access to courts in the UK. And also, the likelihood that they apply or are given any time in court is beyond low.

If you want to go NC, just do and deal with things as they come. I wouldn’t be surprised that if you decide to stop seeing them they would go NC playing the offended part.

My ex went to the police to falsely accuse me of rape. She latterly went on to lose me a lucrative consultancy role amongst other things which made me life shite.

Sometimes I think I am the biggest mug going but she is still daughters mum and daughter needs a relationship with her.

Maybe you have a greater tolerance than me for appalling behavior but my own view is to let daughter have a relationship with whoever she chooses until either:

1. She comes to harm
2. She chooses not to

@KalvinPhillips23 @Skeptadad @Intheflicker and @GetThatHelmetOn . I really do understand the importance of being allowed to make your own decisions and I ideally would want that for my kids. However, my mother never let us know any of her side of her family AND she kept us away from my Dad’s side too as she didn’t like them. So I’ve been on the receiving end of a parent going NC and not allowing their kid (me) to see any family.

The insurmountable issue is that she says she wishes she’d never had any children rather than had any disabled children (I am one of said disabled children). She is insisting I break up with my partner because his brother likely has ASD and she says I’ll definitely have kids with ASD if I have kids with him. She says it’s not a life worth living. If I got in contact with them then it’d have to be after my youngest kid was 5 so we knew there was no ASD. If any kids do have it then I’ll have to stay NC forever.

She hates disabled people and used to call me a retard if I misheard people as I was ‘showing her up’. I do know firsthand how much it hurts to not be allowed to see family when that’s not your own decision but I can’t see her being a grandparent I’d want for my kids. My Dad is broken by her so he is effectively a non-parent. NC is a last resort but necessary.

By the way, thank you all for your responses. I’m also really sorry to hear about your situation @Skeptadad

I can't comment on your situation but I can comment on your terms and how I feel about them in relationship to my own nc situation with my parents.

The threshold of not stopping contact until my child comes to harm is not good enough.

My parents don't know my children because one is a sexual deviant and the other is an abuse enabler.

I wasn't going to wait until one or both of my daughters was harmed until I stopped contact.

Risk assessment is important, la-la-la fingers in the ears was my enabling mother's approach. It's why I don't speak to her any more. I will never take that path.

Don't feel you need to justify nc to anybody here. You don't.

@IckGirl thank you so much, you’re right xx

At the risk of being a bit outing here, MIL did actually take us to court over a relationship with DC. As another has mentioned, it is or should be a two stage process, however she somehow bullshit her way through stage 1 and the first we heard about it was a court summons through the letterbox demanding my presence in court in 5 days time.
However, MIL had, at that point, some contact with DC but as she is a textbook narcissist, we had had periods of NC. This court summons was her way of demanding to see DC more often and trying to manipulate us into accommodating her wishes. This was after taking a then 5 and 6yr old to her house for a holiday and refusing to return them as arranged, because she had a Zumba class - we went NC again after getting DC back, she throws her teddies out the cot and summons us to court 🙄
We had to hire a solicitor to represent us but we won. The judge ruled in our favour and we haven't heard from her since 2014. She's no idea where we live etc.
If you never have a relationship with your parents in the first place OP, then they can't fill the court application in with exaggerated rubbish about how they are the worlds best grandparents who are being deprived of a relationship with their grandchildren etc.
Wishing you all the best.

@Hiya Wishy thank you. I’m really glad you won too.

Grandparents have no legal right to visitation in the UK if they can not prove a long standing relationship- this usually only happens in their favour if one parent passes and the other stops the family access and they were a big part of their life.

They have no parental rights and therefore can not show up to a childrens school and events if you inform the school that they are not allowed. Schools have strict policies and usually events are ticketed as not just anyone can turn up to a child's sports day or school play-
They also implement social media bans.

They could hire a private investigator but the more things you keep private and off social media the less likely they are to even think that you have have children.

If they did persist with contact u til your child is 18 you can decide that this it is unwanted contact and log it with the police if they continue they could be charged with harassment or you could get a restraining order.

Hope this helps. Don't catastrophise. They would have to prove they not only have a relationship with the child/ children but a meaningful one. After a few years simply a child not recognising them in front of a Cafcass officer ( child and family court advisor) would prove they have no relationship and will stop them. A child under that age only has meaningful relationships with their main caregivers. So I think you can relax. Your child your decision who they have in their lives as long as those people are safe ones.

@PMAmostofthetime thanks a lot :)

They have the right to hire a private detective to locate your children. They have no right to meet these children in any meaningful way without your consent. You do not have to 'prove' your dysfunctional relationship with them. They will get nowhere in court over visitation rights as they have no significant relationship with them. A relationship is not saying Hi, Feliciaschild, as they pass in the street. The only significant relationship would be one such as childminding them for several years in their early life. If they insisted in turning up at your home or their school, you could take out a restraining order against them as they would be harrassing you if you had made it clear you didn't want to see them, and your DC would always be with you in their younger years, so no opportunity to establish a relationship.

Please don't worry about this.

@cottagegardenflower thank you. My Mum had basically told me my life would be ruined if I had kids with my partner and I’d been struggling to feel positive about starting a family (even though I’d felt positive until then). But I think you’re right and that I shouldn’t worry and should just enjoy myself.