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Original poster

Step dad not having funeral for mum

40 replies

Road2nowhere · 14/01/2022 16:37

Step dad is Nok to my mum who recently passed away. He says he's not having a funeral service but a direct cremation instead which will not allow myself and my brother to have closure.

There's family history of my brother being no contact as step dad is so spiteful and always treated us with awful contempt. Mum unfortunately was never strong enough emotionally to prevent this (a whole other thread!)

My question is.... as her children do we get any say in the funeral arrangements or is it all decided by nok? (Step dad)

Also, he will remain in her house (which he isn't on the deeds for) and will likely move one or more of his (adult) children in. Are we powerless over this? Mum never made a will but it was our dad's house origonally and it hurts to think it will all pass to a family we don't even know.

They were married 10 years if that makes a difference.

Thanks

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 14/01/2022 16:41

I’m so sorry about your Mum
I think the NOK is allowed to arrange the funeral but could you and your brother have a memorial somewhere too? Maybe somewhere she liked or that has memories?
As for the house I’m not a lawyer but I imagine when your Dad died it became your Mums and then when she died it passed to her husband. You could check this with a lawyer though

stairgates · 14/01/2022 16:42

How sad and horrible for you :( I think if they were married the house goes to him unless there was a clause in your dads will? I don't know if you can over rule the funeral either.

Oldandcobwebby · 14/01/2022 17:11

As a crematorium manager, I have to tell you that as the nearest surviving relative, your step father is the right and proper person to arrange the funeral in the absence of a will. He has a duty to tell you the arrangements because you are a near relative.

Again, in the absence of a will, the house may well become his under the rules of intestacy, depending upon the value of the estate. You need to check here: www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

I am so sorry you are in this awful position, but there is not an awful lot you can do in the absence of a will.

timshortfforthalia · 14/01/2022 17:16

I'm sorry for your loss and that you are in this horrible situation. Would you be able to organise your own remembrance ceremony of some sort? Either with just you and your brother or extend it to other people who would have attended funeral.

SeaToSki · 14/01/2022 17:18

I think who inherits what (when there isnt a will) is different depending upon if the deceased person lives in England, Scotland or Wales. If you post where your Mum lived, you might get more precise info

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/01/2022 17:18

I'm sorry, that sounds very tough.

It depends on how much the house is worth. If it's more than £270k you and your brother may be entitled to a share.

Gov.uk says this (assuming you're in England or Wales, it might be different in Scotland or NI, but if you follow the link below it will give you an idea):

The husband, wife or civil partner keeps all the assets (including property), up to £270,000, and all the personal possessions, whatever their value.

The remainder of the estate will be shared as follows:

the husband, wife or civil partner gets an absolute interest in half of the remainder

^the other half is then divided equally between the surviving children
If a son or daughter (or other child where the deceased had a parental role) has already died, their children will inherit in their place.^

www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

AdaColeman · 14/01/2022 17:26

How sad for you and your brother that your wishes have not been considered over your Mum's funeral.
But there is nothing to stop you arranging a commemorative service for her, perhaps in a church or in a more informal setting. Choose something that would bring you and your brother the most comfort.

Have you asked your stepfather what he plans to do with your Mum's ashes? Perhaps you and your brother could be involved with scattering or burying them?

I'm sorry that you have this extra cause of upset at what is already a sad and difficult time.

drpet49 · 14/01/2022 17:29

** Mum never made a will but it was our dad's house origonally and it hurts to think it will all pass to a family we don't even know.

They were married 10 years if that makes a difference.**

^Foolish of your mum to have made no will. It all goes to the husband now.

gogohm · 14/01/2022 17:42

You can organise a memorial (eg at a church) or wake without his permission. I've had families organise two complete funerals in the past! Unfortunately if you father didn't have a will and she didn't have a will the house is your step fathers, deeds are irrelevant.

2bazookas · 14/01/2022 17:43

The direct funeral may be her choice. You can't prevent it.

However, there';s nothing whatever to stop you and DB and friends holding your own little memorial to celebrate her life, without step dad, wherever you choose. Could be flowers and a poem on her favourite walk, or cocktails, photos, memories songs and prayers in your own home. You get to choose.

As she has died without making a will, laws of intestacy apply to the disposal of her property. You may need to seek legal advice.

Georgeskitchen · 14/01/2022 17:45

You can have a memorial service you don't have to invite the step dad.
Sad situation and a reminder of how important it is to make a will especially if there are second or third marriages. You can make sure the money goes where you want it to

KatherineParr · 14/01/2022 18:14

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry to read this - it's hard enough to grieve, let alone deal with all of this added pressure. My personal advice would be to have your own memorial service and then focus on the house; this might sound awful, but there are things you and your brother can do to remember your mother which won't require your stepfather's involvement. It sounds like anything that involves him will just add to the stress upon you.

With the house, as you will have seen from the links, there are a lot of variables here about house values etc. and you really need to seek legal advice to make sure a lawyer has properly looked at your individual situation and advised how the intestacy rules apply. It will be helpful in the long run to know you properly explored your options, even if they advise there's nothing that you can do. Are you confident your mother never made a will? Some people do but never mention it.

AdaColeman · 14/01/2022 18:16

Did your Dad leave a will, and do you know what it stated? If he left a will but you haven't read it, you can get a copy of it on line for just a few pounds.

Original poster

Road2nowhere · 14/01/2022 23:38

Thanks everyone, some lovely helpful messages there which I'm grateful for.

I think the memorial service is the way to go. We can do that privately ourselves and hopefully feel some closure that way.

Mum never made a will unfortunately. God knows I tried so many times to get her to do one but she just avoided the difficult questions/decisions due to pressure from step father and his opinions. A shame I know but I resigned myself to the fact that was her choice.

I know the house will pass to him now. I wouldn't kick him out on the street anyhow. My curiosity was aimed more at what happens when he dies.... Will myself and DB be considered if the house was sold or would it be up to him (and any will he were to have made) who inherited the proceeds?

To be honest I'm not interested in any proceeds etc anyway. It wasn't ever about that for me. For info, the estate is way less than 270k and we're in England.

I wouldn't mind a few personal items of mums but doubt he will allow that. Spiteful man that he is.

Thanks again for all your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

Road2nowhere · 14/01/2022 23:43

@AdaColeman

Did your Dad leave a will, and do you know what it stated? If he left a will but you haven't read it, you can get a copy of it on line for just a few pounds.

How do you go about obtaining a copy do you know? I dont know if he left one to be honest, he died years and years ago.

OP posts:

PinkTonic · 14/01/2022 23:49

@AdaColeman

Did your Dad leave a will, and do you know what it stated? If he left a will but you haven't read it, you can get a copy of it on line for just a few pounds.

Not if it didn’t go through probate you can’t and if the estate consisted of just the house which they jointly owned probate probably wasn’t required.

iklboo · 14/01/2022 23:50

@Road2nowhere - I'm sorry for your sad loss. We had a direct cremation for dad, but out of necessity as mum can't leave the house and it would have broken her not to be able to attend a 'service' funeral. We're going to have a small wake / remembrance service for him when we receive his ashes. I hope you & your brother can do the same and get closure.

It's a horrible thing to say, but direct cremations are a lot cheaper than funerals. Is there a chance step-dad didn't have the money or mum had no insurance?

Blossom64265 · 14/01/2022 23:58

You can definitely arrange your own service. He may have control of her actual remains, but a person’s remains are not a necessary part of a gathering to help family and friends say goodbye.

Honestly, aside from a few particular funerals that were open casket, I have trouble remembering which ones had the person’s coffin or cremated remains at the memorial or not. I do remember photographs and eulogies. I remember military honors when they were appropriate. Afterwards I remember sitting around and telling stories and laughing and smiling together at the wonderful memories of the person we loved.

Original poster

Road2nowhere · 14/01/2022 23:58

[quote iklboo]@Road2nowhere - I'm sorry for your sad loss. We had a direct cremation for dad, but out of necessity as mum can't leave the house and it would have broken her not to be able to attend a 'service' funeral. We're going to have a small wake / remembrance service for him when we receive his ashes. I hope you & your brother can do the same and get closure.

It's a horrible thing to say, but direct cremations are a lot cheaper than funerals. Is there a chance step-dad didn't have the money or mum had no insurance?[/quote]
Mum won't have had funeral insurance but we know that the reason he's decided on the direct cremation is so that NC DB doesn't have a chance to "say goodbye"

Cruel I know, sadly that was the man she chose to marry. At this point we're just trying to make the best out of a bad situation to allow us both to move on and then he won't impact either of ours lives again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Road2nowhere · 15/01/2022 00:00

@Blossom64265

You can definitely arrange your own service. He may have control of her actual remains, but a person’s remains are not a necessary part of a gathering to help family and friends say goodbye.

Yes, this sounds lovely. I am going to discuss with DB perhaps doing this or a memorial service of some sort. I think this is our solution to this horrible situation.

Thank you all again so much for your kindness

OP posts:

LowlyTheWorm · 15/01/2022 00:08

Your Mum married this horrible man and maybe he brainwashed or bullied her into some silly choices.
But she is you and your brothers blood and you don’t need her body to be there for you to have a meaningful memorial. So screw him. And celebrate her.
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Road2nowhere · 15/01/2022 00:24

@LowlyTheWorm

Your Mum married this horrible man and maybe he brainwashed or bullied her into some silly choices. But she is you and your brothers blood and you don’t need her body to be there for you to have a meaningful memorial. So screw him. And celebrate her. Sorry for your loss.

There was definitely an element of brainwashing. He's a nasty vindictive narcissistic person and I couldn't blame my DB for going NC in the end.

Thank you, we will absolutely celebrate mums life in our own special service/memorial. In many ways it will be better as we wont have to share the same airspace as him.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 15/01/2022 00:45

@drpet49

** Mum never made a will but it was our dad's house origonally and it hurts to think it will all pass to a family we don't even know.

They were married 10 years if that makes a difference.**

^Foolish of your mum to have made no will. It all goes to the husband now.

No it doesn’t

M0rT · 15/01/2022 01:06

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for our loss and I hope your brother and you hold a meaningful memorial for your Mam and it helps somewhat with your grief.

oviraptor21 · 15/01/2022 01:25

On the chance that your Dad did make a will, I would definitely search probate records. It doesn't cost much. www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

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