Step dad not having funeral for mum

[Road2nowhere]

Step dad is Nok to my mum who recently passed away. He says he's not having a funeral service but a direct cremation instead which will not allow myself and my brother to have closure.

There's family history of my brother being no contact as step dad is so spiteful and always treated us with awful contempt. Mum unfortunately was never strong enough emotionally to prevent this (a whole other thread!)

My question is.... as her children do we get any say in the funeral arrangements or is it all decided by nok? (Step dad)

Also, he will remain in her house (which he isn't on the deeds for) and will likely move one or more of his (adult) children in. Are we powerless over this? Mum never made a will but it was our dad's house origonally and it hurts to think it will all pass to a family we don't even know.

They were married 10 years if that makes a difference.

Thanks

If the dad made a will surely the only help that would be is if he left the house in a life interest for your mum, and that would assume she had no right to an element of the house.

Our mum died of covid and due to travel and group size restrictions we didn't have a funeral. My son and I witnessed her burial in our old hometown and I read from the prayer book as she was being buried.

We've decided to have a family gathering in her memory this spring or summer. We're going to fix all her favourite foods, watch our old home movies, share memories, and just enjoy being together. I think she would have loved being remembered in this way.

If your stepdad has inherited the house, it becomes his sole and separate property. You and your brother no longer have any legal 'interest in the property. In the event of his death it will go to his children or whomever he chooses in his will. I'm so sorry.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. On the legal/house side I would get legal advice if you can. I believe because there’s no will the state decides how the estate is split up according to certain rules. This happened to a friend whose father died without a Will and the state divided it all up.

I'm
So sorry for your loss.

Lots of people choose direct to crem nowadays. My whole family are choking this including my parents. It may be what your Mum wanted.

TBH I think you should see as a positive thing. Imagine having to attend a funeral with your stepfather. It would have been upsetting and would have distracted you from remembering your Mum. Having a private memorial with the people you love is a much better idea.

You are now 'free' of that side of your mothers life and you are not going to have to deal with your stepfather in future (I'm assuming your mum didn't have any kids with him?)

So sorry about the loss of your Mum.

Under the circumstances I suspect you can do something more meaningful to you, than a crematorium service in the presence of that man.

Was she married to him?

It's in the OP, @StrifeOfBath. Married 10 years. For once I was hoping they weren't!

I would look at a memorial service for you mum, and don't invite him, but as nok he is the one to decide on how her remains are treated. Your mum should have written a will leaving him a life trust and you as beneficiaries but too late now. As she died intestate, speak to a solicitor to see if you have any grounds to challenge the will under the inheritance act. I wouldn't be hopeful though ☹️

I know the house will pass to him now. I wouldn't kick him out on the street anyhow. My curiosity was aimed more at what happens when he dies.... Will myself and DB be considered if the house was sold or would it be up to him (and any will he were to have made) who inherited the proceeds?

Unfortunately, as the house now passes to him he can do as he likes with it and it will pass to his children, effectively cutting both you and your brother out. This is a problem with blended families and unless parents sort out Wills that protect their children this will continue to happen.

To be honest I'm not interested in any proceeds etc anyway. It wasn't ever about that for me. For info, the estate is way less than 270k and we're in England.

It's good you can reconcile yourself to this but it is still awful.

I wouldn't mind a few personal items of mums but doubt he will allow that. Spiteful man that he is.

What a bastard. I am so sorry for you, it's always the little personal items that mean the most.

The trouble is she could have written a will but if he finds it and sets fire to it there is nothing you can do

I know the house will pass to him now. I wouldn't kick him out on the street anyhow. My curiosity was aimed more at what happens when he dies.... Will myself and DB be considered if the house was sold or would it be up to him (and any will he were to have made) who inherited the proceeds?

He will be able to will the house to whoever he likes.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and can understand why you mum might have found it difficult to make a will, but if there's a lesson to be learned here for other people, it's "make a will", particularly if there are second marriage and step or half siblings.

FWIW, your mum wouldn't have had to tell her husband about her will.

My DCousin didn't have a funeral for her DH when he died recently. I'd never thought you could do that ( never thought about it really), and thought it was a great idea. I've told my DH that I don't want a funeral either.

I've never understood what "closure" means (probably fortunate in that way), but I'm sure there are lots of things you could do to remember your mum without your step dad being there - you could hold your own wake for instance.

When everything is settled down it might be an idea to discuss your step dad's plans with him, so you know what to expect when he also dies.

@BorsetshireBanality

The trouble is she could have written a will but if he finds it and sets fire to it there is nothing you can do

Ours is with our solicitor. We only have a copy. They charged a one off fee of £25 to store it for us.

When I say "ours" I mean my will and that of DH. We have mirror wills.

@road2nowhere who is StepDad's next of kin? When he dies you could try to negotiate with them to obtain personal possesions. If he writes a will his beneficiaries, or automatic next of kin if not. For example photos of your mum may not be something his family desperately wants.

Just saw you mentioned adult children. You could try to ask his adult children for items when he dies.

Speaking from bitter experience in my mum's family, I wouldn't count on any photos or other memorabilia still being around when he dies. If his children are cut from the same cloth as he is, they will probably chuck it all out without a second thought for OP and her brother.

I am sorry to hear this op. When my dm died, my brother insisted on a non religious service at an alternative arts venue which my dm had never even visited. It was completely bizarre. Our solicitor told me that my brother also refused to swear an oath when signing documents relating to the estate. Apparently he said he wanted nothing to do with the church, despite living in free accomodation provided by them for years.

I just did not want a huge falling out but eventually arranged a meeting with a local vicar who contacted the undertakers. We arranged a very small service in our little church. It was very personal and if any funeral can be nice, it was. I am so glad I did this for my mum. It was the right thing to do for her.

I don't know if this would be possible in your difficult circumstances. But I do hope you could arrange some kind of small service locally to honour your dm in the way you would wish.