Does anyone have any experience of family court?

[squidward4]

As above, does anyone have any experience? Here's a link to my current thread in AIBU for some background:

To put my foot down with DS contact with his Dad http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4433912-to-put-my-foot-down-with-ds-contact-with-his-dad

I'm not sure whether my reason for wanting to take this to court would be 'important' enough. Long story short, contact is based purely around my ex and what is best for our DS due to his shift work.

Any advice would be appreciated.

You could try to trigger mediation with your ex, or use the 3rd party to up your concerns too him. Or write formally to him about the problems DS is having due to the late nights & homework etc.
If this didn't work go via a solicitor writing to him about the issue.
The most important thing is to stress that you want to resolve the issues, it's right that he continues that relationship with his dad, but it needs to work for DS. Tweaking contact is expected as children get older, not unusual

I saw your thread.

Try hard to avoid family court is my advice.

School should speak directly to him about dc being tired on his days.

We tried mediation last year and it didn't work. He lied, shouted at me throughout and charged me for his sessions by deducting it from DS' maintenance. Mediator signed the papers needed for court but this has now expired.

It's also not just the issue of DS being super tired when he's at his Dad's. There's the lack of homework, giving me no notice before the next lot of dates start (I had 3 days notice this month), no compromise on the dates he has him, it's his way or no way, won't do his fair share of school holidays... I could go on!

I'd avoid family court if you can. My ex took me to court to have DD live with him, we spent nearly 3 years in / out of court. They made a residence order for her to live with me and a very prescriptive contact order detailing his contact due to how badly he messed DD around until then.

All in all I'd say the only benefit the order has given is a 'legal' comfort blanket and the right for me to say 'no' when he demands she move in with him / spent more time with him. It certainly didn't stop him changing the arrangements, cancelling contact often at an hours notice.. He never did homework, basically wasn't done at his until DD was old enough to take charge herself. She'd return hungry, exhausted and usually not having washed. It was a miracle if he remembered her school uniform and school bag. At best it was a bag of dirty clothes. Caused no end of issues with school as homework was never in on time and often lost..

They police the orders, it's up to the parents to comply with them or return it to court. They can't make an NRP have contact I'm afraid, nor can they make them to do homework, put a child to bed at a reasonable time, feed them something other than junk... I've often felt it's not worth the paper it's printed on.

It's soul destroying co-parenting with someone like this but it does get better when they get older.

Should say they ''They don't police the orders'' - sorry!

@Pinkyxx Thanks so much for the advice. All the homework, sleep, food thing is very frustrating, but for me it's more about finding a contact schedule that works for DS. Due to my ex's shifts the current one just doesn't suit him. I was hoping that was something the court would look at? My ex refuses to do anything about it.

I think you would be better off putting your foot down and saying "no" to your ex when it's in your DS's best interests to do so and letting your Ex take you to court if he wants to try and enforce his preference.

Do you need the maintenance money? If not, could you suggest more day time contact (tea after school, say, or afternoons on weekends when he's working, but delivered back to you before bedtime) and less overnight but agree he won't have to pay the maintenance for those nights? I don't agree with this on many levels - he isn't making the sacrifices he ought to to accommodate his DS properly so he ought to be paying you to pick up the slack - but it sounds like you are keen to maintain contact levels for your son's sake.

@NumberTheory My ex won't entertain day time visits only as that would then affect the CMS payments (he opened a case with them, not me, after having him more often than usual).

If I say no to him I end up either getting abuse (which isn't as bad now as he is blocked) or if that fails then a refusal to bring him back when he's supposed to.

I would tell exh that ds will be available x days for contact & no more then let him take you to court. You are being reasonable & it is his fault if he doesn't accept. Get letters from school about the no homework & ds being tired. Or you could contact MAST & they will work with you both, they might stand a better chance of getting through to him how much he is affecting your ds.

@Nat6999 Thanks. What is MAST? I've just googled but nothing came up.

CMS and enforce for CM, he's got no right to deduct his share of mediation costs.

Family court can be expensive, it is poss to self-rep with good support. You need rock solid evidence - letters from school would be a great start re tiredness.

@Fuuuuuckit Yes he's opened a case with the CSA now but at the time he paid me directly and deducted all of his mediation costs from that months maintenance, was a nightmare!

Yes letters from school are a good idea, thank you.

@squidward4 the court would absolutely look at establishing a contact pattern however they'd take into account that he has a shift schedule I'm afraid. If his shifts are unpredictable, so will contact be. If his shifts are set then maybe they can put a schedule in around them. That said, they can't make him keep to it. Like I said, my ex frequently cancelled / changed times despite the order. we're not talking ''emergencies'' either, we're talking he just wanted to change for whatever reason and told me last minute. Often leaving me in a situation where I was working, get an email from him an hour before he's meant to collect and leave me up sh*t creek.. I tried to resist but I'd get a mouth full of abuse, abusive emails and accusations of alienation ( which he reported to social services with lots of made up stuff prompting investigations into me; he also made allegations to the school), threats to not return, threats to get residence etc. All the issues had a terrible affect on DD and after 4 years of court / him acting like there was no order I had no fight left so just did whatever he wanted. Spent a fortune on back up childcare etc. I'm not recommending giving in, I wish I hadn't. DD's older now and wants autonomy to see friends etc, I made a rod for my back as he now attacks her if she wont' do as he wants her to contact wise.

I feel for you, I know what it's like with a ''my way or the high way'' ex but just don't want you to think an order is a golden bullet, it really isn't. Agree with others, you need evidence from objective sources. I didn't gather any evidence myself but when Cafcass investigated they saw the exhaustion, failure to parent, and complete disregard for DDs needs first hand. The nursery & doctor all corroborated. The situation spoke for itself. Ex didn't help himself as he dismissed it all, argued against their findings and then ultimately complained about Cafcass being incompetent / biased. I doubt they'll care about homework, but if the tiredness is impacting his school work then they likely will but be realistic about what is feasible in view of his shifts. They won't expect him to change his job.

MAST is the multiple agency support team, they can liase with school & involve you & your ex in meetings to sort your what is best for your child, they may be able to help you reach an agreement without going to court.

If a court orders a certain level of contact, is it possible to occasionally agree between yourselves to bend the rules a bit? Or is it not recommended in case the person who is being accommodated for, decides to make any concessions permanent by returning to court?

Most court orders include something along the lines of ''any such contact agreed by the parties'' in order words you can agree more if you wish to. In terms of adjusting the core contact frequently, if that became the norm, then it's plausible one party could return the matter to court and seek to make it permanent. The court would look at what was in the best interests of the child to decide.