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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down with DS contact with his Dad

76 replies

squidward4 · 23/12/2021 10:59

Awful relationship with my ex (down to him). DS is 7 and goes to his Dad's 9 nights a month. Ex works shifts so I get sent 3 months of dates at a time of when he wants them. Although there are some weekends in these dates, a lot of them are weeknights.

There are 3 other children at his Dad's (2 are young) so it's quite chaotic there. DS says he doesn't get much sleep as he's woken up a lot by his siblings. He shares a room with his step sibling. His teacher has been noticing that DS is tired at school when he's staying at his Dad's and has spoken to me on a few occasions now about this.

His Dad also doesn't do homework so when there's a weekly deadline for it to be done it means we're having to cram it all in on one or two nights.

I talk to ex through a third party and suggested that he could try and have him more weekends and less weeknights and was told no, that doesn't work with his shifts.

I've just had the next 3 months worth of dates through and most of them are week days. I would never stop DS from going there but I'm now at a point where I want to say you're more than welcome to have him at weekends but so many week days are no longer working.

I have posted about the ex before, but I'm at the end of my tether now (he's just generally awful!).

YABU - it's fine for DS to continue going on weekdays and I should butt out.

YANBU - it's my ex's choice to work shifts so it's tough if he can't accommodate.

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 23/12/2021 11:29

YANBU if its affecting his school work, could you say something like no more than one school night per week?

Glentheredbeakbattleostrich · 23/12/2021 11:31

YANBU. contact is for the benefit of the children and this arrangement clearly is not working for your son.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 11:39

YANBU

I do think surely the first port of call is for exh to sort out the chaos at his house - a child sharing a room and with siblings in the house (whether step/ half/ full) shouldn’t automatically be unable to get enough sleep. What if a child lived there full time? The step kids must go to school from there?

You don’t want to have to give up more quality weekend time with your son just because he’s chaotic, I wouldn’t think?

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 11:48

@Houseonahill The problem is he needs to stay there 9 nights a month due to the CSA (ex opened the case, not me), so he needs to fit 9 nights a month in some how which automatically means more than one day in the week due to his shifts.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Yes the step sibling he shares a room with goes to school. The 2 half siblings are both under 3. I think these are the ones that wake him up with their crying at night. I don't want to lose any weekend time with DS but he's just so tired after coming back from there!

OP posts:
amnm · 23/12/2021 11:55

Do the visits help your ds maintain a good relationship with his father? If yes, I would try and find some way of working around the other factors as this is the most important thing.

When your son is older, you don't want him thinking back to this time and thinking you were the reason he didn't see his dad as often.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 12:05

It is really hard!

I wouldn’t offer him the weekend days - it “doesn’t work for him” apparently anyway (has he been reading up on Mumsnet stock phrases)

I’d give him the feedback from the school, and I’d say that he isn’t going to come on weekdays until something can be sorted. A rearrangement of bedrooms/ bed times perhaps ? Parents getting up quicker to the little ones when they cry?

Sorry - when you said “two are young” I thought you mean two were primary aged and one teen! Primary school is so young still - all the more reason why your son needs his sleep of course!

megletthesecond · 23/12/2021 12:12

Yanbu.
It's not benefiting your DS being there and his dad doesn't seem to support his education. I'd gently try and change things.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 12:13

(pS i did see your son is 7 before, but I had just imagined it was two other primary kids - one in the same room — and a teen. Rather than a baby and a toddler)

LittleOwl153 · 23/12/2021 12:29

It sounds rough. I would say that he can only be with his dad 1 night sun-thurs during the school week. Perhaps he can make up other time in the weekend/holidays?

I would also speak to his teacher about the homework. If it is not easy to get it done in the time you ha e him then they need to give him an extension so he gets the weekend to complete it for example. Homework should t be an added pressure at this age.

LittleOwl153 · 23/12/2021 12:33

Maybe if the school are saying he's tired to you - could they also say this to his dad? It is not always helpful for school to report something that is happening on his dad's time to you and expect you to deal with it - when they won't speak to his dad directly.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 12:33

@LittleOwl153 Unfortunately there is no set pattern to his shifts so they are literally all over the place. He could maybe be working 3 weekends out of 4, or most of the school holiday for that month etc. If he needs to fit 9 nights in for the CSA then it's impossible to make days up when it's a 'better' time!

Yes I've been debating whether to talk to his teacher about his homework, he's only 7 poor thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 12:34

@LittleOwl153 His teacher told DS to speak to his Dad about not having enough sleep when he's there!

OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 23/12/2021 12:35

If school mention it again, then ask them to speak to the dad directly. It's an issue that occurs at his

LittleOwl153 · 23/12/2021 12:38

CSA is child maintenance... and won't care what he does frankly. And certainly wouldn't bother about an averaged visit over the year.

Or do you mean a child arrangement order - court ordered contact? I still suspect if it is averaged over the 3 months it wouldn't be too much if an issue but accept that's a risk. Perhaps with dad's agreement that this would be better for the child given what school is saying?

Definitely speak to school. Make them aware - and get them involved in speaking to dad!

LittleOwl153 · 23/12/2021 12:41

It isn't DSs responsibility to sort out his dad's arrangements for him - at 7yrs old. His teacher needs to speak to his dad.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 12:42

@LittleOwl153 No we've not been to court. He always had him 4 nights a month, upped it to 9 randomly and then opened a case with the CSA to reflect the new amount of nights he was having him, therefore paying less. I objected to the 9 nights originally before he went to the CSA but I ended up getting abuse from him so just backed down each time.

OP posts:
SnugKnights · 23/12/2021 12:49

So he basically wants him more nights, increasing from 4 to 9, so he can pay less maintenance. Nothing to do with what’s best for his son. I’d just say no, is he close enough that he could go for tea and a play and come home for bedtime?
Don’t let him carry on being controlling, it’s not court ordered so you don’t have to go along with it when it isn’t benefiting your son. Just say no!

Theunamedcat · 23/12/2021 12:49

Would you need to change the csa? Or can you cope with it? I get he wants to shoehorn 9 days in because it keeps it at a certain level but does it really matter to you if he has less?

Wingedharpy · 23/12/2021 12:49

Does your son enjoy going to his Dad's?

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 12:56

@SnugKnights Yes that pretty much sums its up. He lives about a 5 minute car journey from us but won't have him just for dinner, he says it has to be overnight.

@Theunamedcat My ex doesn't contribute towards anything like school uniform, trips etc so the CSA does help. I'm not sure what he's told them this time but I've just had a letter to say they're reducing his payments to £130 a month even though he's on 40k a year!

@Wingedharpy Yes he does like going to his Dad's, although he doesn't like the disturbed sleep, the fact he gets told off if he doesn't finish his dinner, or going for any more than 2 days in a row (quite often ex wants him 3 nights in a row).

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 23/12/2021 12:59

Contact them yourself it sounds like he is saying he is having him more often although having other children in the house will also drop it

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 13:10

There are kind of bands that’s the best way I can describe it and what he’s done is he’s pushed himself over the certain banding but only by one day so whether he had him nine days a month or whether we had in 18 days a month he would still pay the same. So what you need to do is sit down and look at those bands and get him to have the absolute maximum amount of days within the band or he drops down a band given none of this is court ordered, you can dictate what suits you at the moment and then go back to the CSA and explain to them, because you will have emailed him to state there so you’ll have it in writing that he has dropped down a band and therefore he needs to pay more.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 13:14

@Jessie75 Yes that's right! The band below is maximum of 8 nights a month so he's pushed it over by one night a month so it moves him into a different band. I discovered that after looking at their website.

The last time I said no he couldn't have him for the 9 nights, he refused to return him when he should have so it ended up being 9 nights!

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 13:16

Yeah he must think you came down in the last shower. I went back to my ex and I said you either have him for eight days or will you have him for 18 days let me know how this is gonna work and if you don’t like it take me to court.

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 13:18

And if he really wants to be an arsehole tell him that he can have him full-time and you will have him eight days a month they don’t tend to like that. They never take you up on the offer absolutely guarantee.