Can anyone help me with my situation before I can speak to solicitor in the new year?

[Coriandersucks]

So I’ve written many times (under various user names) about my dp over the last couple of years since COVID hit and he turned all conspiracy nut.

I’ve tried to make it work to keep our family together but he’s just getting worse and I’ve realised I need to bite the bullet and end things.

Our situation

Not married
Jointly owned house £75k equity
2 dc pre school
He works 100 miles away during the week so only home at weekends

I am the higher earner but probably couldn’t get a mortgage on my own until youngest starts school next year.

I could get a loan to give him his share of equity and get something drawn up by solicitor to say he has no claim over house if I sell in future but not sure how legally binding that is.

Otherwise I’m not moving from this house there is nothing else suitable in our price range in this area so have thought of maybe ‘freezing’ the equity so he is no longer liable for mortgage then i pay him the money when I sell in the future or when children reach 18 whichever is sooner. I would still expect him to pay cm which Ive worked out is about £300 a month.

I do not want our children travelling to where he lives every other week. Where he stays is not safe for children which he would admit to.

I’m hoping I can insist that all visits take place here and he can use the house to see the children but would need to find alternative accommodation.

I am happy for him to still see the children but if I get the slightest whiff that he is trying to ‘turn’ them then I will get a court order to stop him having any access. I briefly spoke with a solicitor a few months ago who said that might be an option if I felt he was a risk to them. I’m hoping that joining a crazy cult will be considered enough if a risk.

Not sure what else I should be thinking about I just needed to get things down whilst I’m feeling positive about doing this - does it sound like I’m being reasonable? Never had to do anything like this before I feel sick! Thank you

Unless there's something big you haven't disclosed, I wouldn't believe for a second that you could get the courts to agree to no contact. There are some seriously violent and abusive men out there who are still granted access to their children by the courts - being a bit of a conspiracy nut is not going to be enough, not a chance.

Thank you for pointing this out and you’re right, there are enough horror stories on here about abusers still getting to see their kids but the lawyer I spoke to said just one phone call and he could put in a court order. He was clearly just trying to get my business which pisses me off.

Bump

Yeah and the idea that hed admit his work location is dangerous. That is a dream op. If you think he's a pain in the ass now just wait until the divorce. You need to let go of the ownership you naturally have of fixing a plan for the future.

I had thought my abusive xh could visit my kids at our previous family home. He behaved so badly that didn't end up being a possibility but thank goodness really. It is a long hard lesson op. Not knowing what your kids are doing or agreeing with the parenting choices. Your reward will be slow gained and very gradually your children will find out that your home is their safe haven.

The other reason i wouldn't want him to contact the kids in my home is that as your kids get older they can physically stop going. They can't do that if he turns up. He can turn up and sit in your living room whilst your kids sit in their bedrooms and youll be at the mercy of the farsical contact arrangement because you organised it. And honestly, as much as being divorced was hardly my childhood dream there is something amazing about sitting in the living room of my tidy house getting a bit of peace and quiet.

You are at the beginning of a plan op. You are taking on the mental load of it all because that is what you are used to. Get him out of your house. Make it hard for him to get back in. What he gets them for Christmas, forgets to do, whatever. It is none of your business. And as for no contact. That will never happen.

Hi @Coriandersucks you would be better moving this to Legal Matters. There are a number of excellent lawyers over there who can help with actual advice, rather than hearing other people's experiences.
Make sure you mention that you are not married, someone on this thread has already referred to a 'divorce'.

The good news is that a split is fairly simple when not married ! As you don’t need a prolonged and extensive divorce process
The bad news is money’s involved in terms of the house and that’s going to be the main issue here
As if he wants to he can make things tricky and slow

You do need a Soliciter , and you need to meet them and understand your options and very deep breaths- have a letter sent to him paying this out very clearly

I used a firm recommended to me by women’s aid I’ll happily give you the details

I’d also have a plan b , as if he wants to make things hard he might not agree to what you want about the house 🏡

Family law is primarily focussed on the kids and quays best for them
But property law is where you need expert advice

Ok thank you some good points. I’m going to struggle not being able to control everything. I hadn’t thought of moving to legal matters will ask mnhq

I agree you need proper legal advice.

But you also need to adjust your view point. It’s not for you to decide whether or not he sees the children. I assume he is on the birth certificate and he is their biological father. Therefore it isn’t a case of you being ‘happy. For him to see them. Arguably he could ask for 50-50 access. There are two parents here not one.

I think, however, 50-50 is unlikely in these circumstances.

But too many mothers go into these things assuming they get to either go t or withhold access when that’s not the reality.

Also unless he is a danger to the the children really do need their dad.

I used beck Fitzgerald
They were recommended to me by women’s aid
I highly recommend and the total costs weren’t too high as we just did a parenting plan

My advice is use the time before you contact them to
Write a simple statement of where you are at and why (factual and timeline based )
Get all Your finances tidied , have every single account and asset clear and with online acess , account numbers etc
If necessary have a statement include his impact
On the children

Lastly you will have to compromise
Just be ready for either moving , downsizing and the fact he will get some acess
Don’t go into this expecting you get everything you want as there is no legal basis for either you keeping the house or him having no acess to kids

But the advantage is freedom and him not in your
Life

My ex doesn’t give me a penny and I have to pay for the costs for them to travel to see him

But , I’m free , and I used to support him and I don’t anymore

You can tie the house and equity up legally via a solicitor and he still remains on the mortgage. I did this with my ex. I dangled some money in front of him via a loan (slightly less than the equity), told him he could either have that amount now, or wait until the dc were not of school age and have the full amount. He was a greedy sod so took the immediate option. Either way he signed a deed of trust so he had no further claim to any equity as I was paying the rest of the mortgage.

As for contact, start to keep a record of his lunacy and communicate via email so you have records of him saying all this

With respect you can't control what your stbx chooses to do/request/expect. I'm astounded that you think you can

Where have I said I want to choose what he requests? I’ve just put down what I want out of it. I’m not so naive to think he won’t be difficult but I also know him well enough that he will want what’s best for his children.

"I am happy for him to still see the children but if I get the slightest whiff that he is trying to ‘turn’ them then I will get a court order to stop him having any access."

The entitlement is quite outstanding.

My ex didn't want my to see our 1 year old, now she is looking at 50/50 shared care against her will.

Children have two parents and no owners.

I worked long hours and stayed away from home. That was to escape my ex.

A Solicitor who says they can prevent access because someone is an antivaxxer sounds more of a conspiracy nut than the anti-vaxxer.

You have a long journey ahead of you with that attitude.

@Coriandersucks

Ok thank you some good points. I’m going to struggle not being able to control everything. I hadn’t thought of moving to legal matters will ask mnhq

Whether you are together or not you can’t control another person. At best you can influence them but that can become a tenuous goal when you split. It won’t be possible at all if you approach him with demands and threats. Human nature means he will react against you. If he is a conspiracy nut then reactionary behaviour will be strong in him. A lot of the bullish advice given here could backfire badly for you and your children.

He will be entitled to seek 50% of the equity from the home and to be taken off the mortgage if you split. You have limited grounds to contest this.

To secure any other arrangement you would have to demonstrate that this would be detrimental to the children in that you would not be able to rent or buy a home to meet your needs. Depending on the ages of the children a two bedroom property could meet your needs.

He will need to decide how he wants to live when separated and he can change his circumstances. He is entitled to decide where he wants to see his children. Let him tell you and until he does I don’t know what you could object to as long as that is basically safe. If there are concerns, raised by you, the best you can impose is contact at a neutral place.

Yeah I am sure you will struggle not being able to control everything :s

Poor guy.

@Skeptadad so you would be happy having your children spend 50% of their time unsupervised with someone who believes we are living in a simulation and that everything we see on tv and in the media are clones/cgi and that soon the military will be patrolling the streets dragging our children from their homes so that the elite can rape them and drink their blood?

I wish to god this was just a normal split with a normal bloke who I just no longer get on with. But this is way beyond normal.

Didn’t really want to get into all that agin was just hoping for some straightforward advice on my rights but now it’s being hijacked by angry dad brigade so I’ll leave it there and get proper advice after new year.

Thanks to those of you who have helped.

He does sound a bit David Icke!

Simulation theory is actually quite plausible from a philosophical perspective.

If he is that bonkers how does he hold down a job? My brother used to love David Icke now he is a senior Senior Social Worker. There's a difference between being interested in strange conspiracy theories and actually believing them to the degree it affects your day to day functioning. Our daughter is 2 and I have no intention of telling her about my own belief system (atheist) until she is older as I know it wouldnt be appropriate until an older age.

My aunt believes some bonkers conspiracy theory about Jewish people and is quite racist but she makes a lovely gran to my cousins children.

If you are concerned about his mental health you can list that in C1A form. He will have a chance to talk through his infatuation with conspiracy theories and I guess someone will decide if he has profound mental health issues affecting the children or like many people he finds the issue interesting.

If he really has schizophrenia which is what you are suggesting then I am sure his time will be limited to a supervised contact centre. You shouldn't set a precedent for your children seeing him in your home I do agree with that.

Just wanted to come on here and say that you can't freeze the value of his half share. If his interest is postponed then as the value of the house increases so does the value of his half interest.

You will have to pay the whole mortgage on your own - his only liability to you would be in child maintenance.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

My ex doesn’t give me a penny and I have to pay for the costs for them to travel to see him

But , I’m free , and I used to support him and I don’t anymore

I wish i was surprised by that but i absolutely am not.