Can anyone help me with my situation before I can speak to solicitor in the new year?

[Coriandersucks]

So I’ve written many times (under various user names) about my dp over the last couple of years since COVID hit and he turned all conspiracy nut.

I’ve tried to make it work to keep our family together but he’s just getting worse and I’ve realised I need to bite the bullet and end things.

Our situation

Not married
Jointly owned house £75k equity
2 dc pre school
He works 100 miles away during the week so only home at weekends

I am the higher earner but probably couldn’t get a mortgage on my own until youngest starts school next year.

I could get a loan to give him his share of equity and get something drawn up by solicitor to say he has no claim over house if I sell in future but not sure how legally binding that is.

Otherwise I’m not moving from this house there is nothing else suitable in our price range in this area so have thought of maybe ‘freezing’ the equity so he is no longer liable for mortgage then i pay him the money when I sell in the future or when children reach 18 whichever is sooner. I would still expect him to pay cm which Ive worked out is about £300 a month.

I do not want our children travelling to where he lives every other week. Where he stays is not safe for children which he would admit to.

I’m hoping I can insist that all visits take place here and he can use the house to see the children but would need to find alternative accommodation.

I am happy for him to still see the children but if I get the slightest whiff that he is trying to ‘turn’ them then I will get a court order to stop him having any access. I briefly spoke with a solicitor a few months ago who said that might be an option if I felt he was a risk to them. I’m hoping that joining a crazy cult will be considered enough if a risk.

Not sure what else I should be thinking about I just needed to get things down whilst I’m feeling positive about doing this - does it sound like I’m being reasonable? Never had to do anything like this before I feel sick! Thank you

I have similar issues with my ex - he thinks David Icke is some sort of prophet, thinks Covid doesn’t exist (in fact, no viruses exist) and it’s just the Gov controlling us, thinks vaccines are making everyone infertile and Autistic (), he kicked off the other week because DD2 was on antibiotics for Impetigo (apparently all medical and science professionals are out to “get” us)…

I could go on.

He’s been like it for 4 years (we’ve been split up 9 years) but he’s really ramped it up during the Pandemic.

Our DCs are 13/11, they think he is bonkers and thick, and have chosen to spend less and less time with him since the Pandemic started.

[quote Coriandersucks]@Skeptadad so you would be happy having your children spend 50% of their time unsupervised with someone who believes we are living in a simulation and that everything we see on tv and in the media are clones/cgi and that soon the military will be patrolling the streets dragging our children from their homes so that the elite can rape them and drink their blood?

I wish to god this was just a normal split with a normal bloke who I just no longer get on with. But this is way beyond normal.[/quote]
Op you don't get to be happy in this. You get a different shit outcome and you get to move on. The happy bit is absolutely ages away. You get to gey rid of him and show your kids your way without it being tarnished by his.

Just popping in to say hi, I remember you and I'm sorry to hear he's got worse, not better.
You've had a few erm odd replies!
I can't advise re the legal stuff but maybe he'll decide he needs to go and live in the woods..... far far away 🙏🏻🤞🏻
Amazed he's still holding down a job )unless he's in marketing for the conspiracy brigade)

As someone whose ex is abusive and who has been through court more than once regarding contact arrangements, I really think you're in for a shock in the family court. It's highly unlikely that you will be able to prevent contact. Your children may very well be expected to travel and be away from you for a significant proportion of time. You can't control your ex, and if it goes to court, you can't control the outcome. I'm not sure you've had the best advice or that you understand the process.

My ex used to drive drunk with kids in the car , was manipulative, dragged them into all his dramas and still got access . It really has to be very extreme for it to be denied.
I did everything in my power to stop access but the courts thought otherwise.

I would, if it's at all possible, work out a contact schedule & avoid the family court system. It took them 9yrs to establish that my children were subjected to serious emotional harm in their dads 'care'. The eldest is now constantly worried about upsetting his dad and the younger ones don't see him as he won't finance an hour in a contact centre. Abusive parents will use the children as a weapon, try and avoid this if at all possible. Get all financial ties severed completely and dint have contact in your home. Best of luck.

@Mummacake

I would, if it's at all possible, work out a contact schedule & avoid the family court system. It took them 9yrs to establish that my children were subjected to serious emotional harm in their dads 'care'. The eldest is now constantly worried about upsetting his dad and the younger ones don't see him as he won't finance an hour in a contact centre. Abusive parents will use the children as a weapon, try and avoid this if at all possible. Get all financial ties severed completely and dint have contact in your home. Best of luck.

Yes. So difficult though.

maybe the non lawyers could leave the thread so that the excellent posters such as @Collaborate can answer? Now that it's in Legal Matters

Thanks for the replies wasn’t expecting any after mentioning the weird stuff!

To answer a couple of questions he has an amazing ability to appear perfectly normal to those who don’t know his beliefs, he keeps his thoughts to himself (mostly) until he can’t any more and he goes off on a rant which is when his face changes, eyes darken, voice sounds different and he uses words he would never use normally - quite scary how different he is when he’s on one of his rants.

He has so far kept this from the children and has said ‘what I think in my head and what I say to them are two completely different things’. I don’t know for how long he can keep this up hence my concern about access.

But it sounds like limiting access is not the way to go about it as I’m clearly not going to have the courts on my side so I think I’m better working with him rather than against him, which is really what I’ve been doing so far but I need to do something a bit more extreme for my own sanity.

I have put together a proposal of how we split our weekends with the children - so he is responsible for a certain amount of time then I have the rest, that way I get some much needed down time and he gets quality time with them whilst I’m still ‘around’ to oversee. I’ve also looked at holidays over next year and how we might split them, not suggesting he takes them anywhere but just to divvy up responsibility a bit.

I won’t be suggesting to him that this is a formal separation of any kind, just a way of ensuring the children get the best of both of us. Then I can spend the next few months getting myself into a stronger financial position for the house stuff.

I thought maybe I was ready for the lawyers and the big guns but comments here have made me realise I can’t separate the practical from his mental health problems any more and I need to adjust the way I react accordingly.

Just means a longer road I guess but I need it to be as painless as possible.

Yah I'd avoid the family court, it's a total mess

I would try not to seem as though you wish to control everything. Go along the lines of I was thinking x y or z re. Contact what are your thoughts?

I would be contacting mental health team on his behalf. Contacting GP. Making a paper trail before you even tell him you want to split.

What happened with my brother (unmarried) is when he and his partner split up they were joint on the mortgage and joint on the deeds.

Brother was paid 50% of the equity from a loan taken out by his ex partner. The ex partner earned enough to pay the mortgage on her own and so brothers name was removed and a totally new mortgage taken out by the ex. You can't just remove a partner from the mortgage payments you need to remortgage, which can cause difficulties.

Brother was removed from the deeds