Could previous text messages be held against me if in court for custody?

Darkestdays · 2021-10-31T08:56:54+00:00

Very recently left my husband, I still haven't even started wrapping my head around divorce or contacting solicitors but he has began to get nasty and yesterday threatened to get full custody of our boys by proving in court that I'm an unfit mother and saying he's got screenshots to prove it. I've spent almost all night scrolling through years of WhatsApp messages and I'm really concerned now. I had PND after my first and there are some desperate texts I sent him when he was working that I couldn't cope and I needed him home and I was letting my son down. There was a solid week I stayed in bed crying and my mum was messaging him about it, both just making sure I was ok, I went on medication which worked and I've been off them for a year now. There have been texts since about our toddler being hard work that day, being at my wits end. I've currently got a newborn and I'm holding it together this time, it's not a continuous pattern and was just a brief spell of PND. Can a court hold that against me?

Ariela · 31/10/2021 09:30

No, because you can prove you had treatment and the issue resolved, also you now have baby no 2 and the PND has not recurred.
You could easily argue it's not relevant.

Original poster

Darkestdays · 31/10/2021 11:19

Thank you for the reassurance

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CiderJolly · 31/10/2021 11:24

Anyone with an iota of common sense would see that how you felt at that time is pretty typical for new mothers, you asked for help when you needed it, you got yourself treatment and well again. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, I presume your ex is working and has been happy to leave the children in your care? If so, then it will be obvious that he is just using your previous illness as something to punish you with now. Not nice and I’m sure any judge would see right through this.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 11:30

What the court will want to see is that you addressed your issues, sought help and put it in place and also what your current support is. So you did get help, you saw your GP, your took your prescribed medication, the problem was resolved and you are now doing well. Who do you have as support now? Is your mum there to help if your need it? Do you access parent/toddler groups? Any counselling you have/had? Think of everything you do currently to ensure you are looking after your mental health and able to properly care for your DC. If necessary get a report from your GP?

pastabest · 31/10/2021 11:31

During the time he is claiming you were an unfit mother did he take steps to ensure that he made arrangements to ensure his children's safety?

E.g. did he reduce his hours at work, take any type of parental leave, arrange additional childcare support, take the child off your hands at evenings and weekends, engage with any professional support etc?

Or did he carry on as normal and leave you to it?

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 11:31

Also, I presume your ex is working and has been happy to leave the children in your care? If so, then it will be obvious that he is just using your previous illness as something to punish you with now. Not nice and I’m sure any judge would see right through this.

Exactly this.

It would not go well for him to claim you were unfit to look after your children when you had your first but he then went on to create more children and leave you to care for them!

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 11:32

@pastabest

During the time he is claiming you were an unfit mother did he take steps to ensure that he made arrangements to ensure his children's safety?

E.g. did he reduce his hours at work, take any type of parental leave, arrange additional childcare support, take the child off your hands at evenings and weekends, engage with any professional support etc?

Or did he carry on as normal and leave you to it?

Yes all good questions. But do NOT ask him these! It will give him a chance to prepare answers for court. Keep them to yourself, written down and if he brings up your fitness to care for your DC you can ask these questions in court. Not before it. Don’t pre arm him!

Original poster

Darkestdays · 31/10/2021 11:47

No quite the opposite I really struggled after the birth of our first and he worked long hours and I was largely left to it, I had a lot of support from my mum thankfully. He's claiming that I'm standing in the way of him bonding with our newborn by only letting him see him for half hour periods every few days with my mum there, but we've split under difficult circumstances after he was fired for sexual misconduct at work and without knowing the extent of what's gone on I'm not comfortable him having them for unsupervised at all, I'm allowing it for our toddler for toddlers benefit as he was crying and asking for daddy a lot but my breastfed newborn isn't being alone with him or away from me for an extended period of time. He's going on about how women always do this and use their kids as weapons but I feel it's him doing that to me and not the other way round. He's claiming he has a case that I was an unfit mother and if I don't drop this whole thing that's what he will take to the courts. He said the sexual misconduct will be disproved and regardless thats a situation between him and women at his work whereas the texts he has is direct proof I can't handle parenting.

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RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 11:49

Sexual misconduct that he is refusing to be open about is a massive red flag and no children should be alone with him until that case is concluded!!

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 31/10/2021 11:58

All this does is actually make him look nasty and controlling.
He will hang himself out to dry the judge won’t need to do it for him.

Playing the unfit mother card is so hackneyed.
Being fired for sexual misconduct - I remember that thread - is also abysmal.

Congratulations on your new baby by the way.

pastabest · 31/10/2021 11:58

I think I recall seeing some of your previous threads about this gent.

All he has is proof that in your time of need struggling with PND and ASKING for help he was a shitty parent and a shitty husband.

If he wants to go and show himself up in court let him.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 31/10/2021 12:00

Also to use something that is a serious issue that requires support and understanding is vile, it shows he has not respect for you or his children.

Women on perinatal care pathways for issues such as PND should be cherished and looked after. For him to retrospectively do this to you after you’ve also gone on to have his second child is just disgusting. It doesn’t show him to be a good father at all.

Original poster

Darkestdays · 31/10/2021 12:02

As far as I'm aware there are no legal proceedings against him, but there is a lot I'm not aware of including most of the details of what's happened so I could easily be wrong. I know I have a massive upper hand if he does take me to court because of the situation but when he threw this at me I feared losing that. I think I will have to find the strength to actually meet a solicitor soon as it looks this will only get more hostile, would it be better for me to be honest about the PND and the messages and hope admitting it before he throws it at me is looked at more positively?

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RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 12:05

Do you have a solicitor @Darkestdays? That’s your best tool. Make that a priority. Tell them everything. Let their mind whirr and do their job.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 12:07

would it be better for me to be honest about the PND and the messages and hope admitting it before he throws it at me is looked at more positively?

There’s nothing to admit! Having PND isn’t a crime or a guilty secret. It’s a natural stage of motherhood. You don’t need to admit anything. You tell your solicitor what he has threatened. Your solicitor will note it all down and may indeed inform the judge of the threat from Exp to let the judge know what kind of man they are dealing with.
Take screenshots of everything he has sent you threatening this. Tbh I’d screenshot every message from him. You never know what will be useful.

Original poster

Darkestdays · 31/10/2021 12:08

@RachelHasThoseInBurgundy No I haven't got a solicitor. This all came out when I was so heavily pregnant and then when ds was born I just wanted to enjoy him for a bit and not let stress ruin it. Unfortunately my husband isn't allowing that

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DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 31/10/2021 12:11

@RachelHasThoseInBurgundy

would it be better for me to be honest about the PND and the messages and hope admitting it before he throws it at me is looked at more positively?

There’s nothing to admit! Having PND isn’t a crime or a guilty secret. It’s a natural stage of motherhood. You don’t need to admit anything. You tell your solicitor what he has threatened. Your solicitor will note it all down and may indeed inform the judge of the threat from Exp to let the judge know what kind of man they are dealing with.
Take screenshots of everything he has sent you threatening this. Tbh I’d screenshot every message from him. You never know what will be useful.

Exactly this. Sorry but this man is a snake. You had PND you weren’t out drug dealing or puppy farming.

I suspect your solicitor will tell you what others have said on here. Remember this is about what is best for the children and him waging a war on their mother, citing PND in such a way is not remotely in their best interest.

Don’t ever feel you need to worry or be ashamed of this, I feel so angry for you.

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 31/10/2021 12:14

[quote Darkestdays]@RachelHasThoseInBurgundy No I haven't got a solicitor. This all came out when I was so heavily pregnant and then when ds was born I just wanted to enjoy him for a bit and not let stress ruin it. Unfortunately my husband isn't allowing that [/quote]
It’s really shit. But honestly- a solicitor will take on all of this brainwork for you and lift the burden off you. They are qualified and very well practised in dealing with this. They know how the courts work, they know how judges think, and they know how men like this are best dealt with. They deal with them on a daily basis. Getting a solicitor, “making it legal” feels like a big step but it really is your best protection. Believe your husband when he tells you that he will try and use this stuff against you in court. He will. But your solicitor will put a full stop to him pretty sharpish.

DeJaDont · 31/10/2021 12:17

I remember you thread op.

Add your baby is exclusively breast fed , your ex won't have a leg to stand on until the baby is at least 7 months old and weaned. Then and only then can he slowly start having the baby for longer periods of more than an hour. But as you are the babies sole source of nutrition, it's in the babies best interests to stay with you for food and see your ex for short periods of say, 30-60 minutes at a time. The fact that you are being more generous with your toddler spending time with their dad also shows that you are being very reasonable and will follow suit with your baby when you are older and they are not reliant on you for food.

He's being a total arse. He is trying to punish you for having the cheek to leave him and to the family apart (even though it's HIM that has caused this. Stay strong. You are with so much more. If he raises the issue of your PND then other posters were right, a judge would see right through this.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 31/10/2021 12:23

If he continues to harass and threaten you via text you can apply for a non molestation order. Your solicitor can also advise you about this. This would mean future communications would be on something like a cafcass approved app such as talking parents and he wouldn't be able to use co-parenting as an excuse to bully and intimidate you

MadeForThis · 31/10/2021 12:30

You need a solicitor ASAP. He is harassing you. You have done nothing wrong. Any proof he has that you needed help when suffering from PND is actually proof that he left you and the baby alone with no support.

MinnieJackson · 31/10/2021 12:38

Was your husband the one that sent jokey texts to his friends about the sexual misconduct? What a horrible man.

Pumpkinsonparade · 31/10/2021 12:40

My exh took a holdall into court full of abusive texts (printed off) I had sent him. No regrets at all. He was an utter twat.
Judge wasn't in the least bit interested.

gcgirlsrock · 31/10/2021 13:14

I would consider applying immediately for a restraining order - he is using harassment and intimidation to frighten you. The decide misconduct must have been pretty serious.
Get very serious about protecting yourself now op. Don’t wait for things to deteriorate further.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 31/10/2021 13:18

@gcgirlsrock

I would consider applying immediately for a restraining order - he is using harassment and intimidation to frighten you. The decide misconduct must have been pretty serious. Get very serious about protecting yourself now op. Don’t wait for things to deteriorate further.

I agree but it is a non Molestation order you apply for in this instance not a restraining order which involves criminal proceedings as opposed to a civil court application.