Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Will social services get involved again?

92 replies

Beardkfux · 21/10/2021 23:08

I fell pregnant with our daughter 3 months into our relationship. At the time I had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety a year prior to this and I was on medication. My GP advised that the medication I was taking posed risk to the development of babies heart and other organs so I stopped taking it immediately. Hormones hit hard after this and I really struggled with my emotions during pregnancy. My partner and I would argue often over the silliest things, and on a couple of occasions I phoned the police when our arguments got too much. This is how social services initially got involved and they would come and do little assessments and check in on us to make sure everything was going ok. Then when our daughter was born, even though both of us completely fell in love with her, the sleepless nights and stress of adjusting to being a new mum and dad took its tole on us. My partner told me to pack mine and our baby’s things and said he wanted us out of the house as soon as he returned from work. I called my mum in tears and I was so angry, there wasn’t enough room for me to move back in with my parents now so I was left with nowhere to go. In an act of spite, I called the social worker and police and told them he had assaulted me which was obviously a lie. The social worker said that she could no longer let me live in this house anyway with the baby and if I chose to stay then she’d have to take her. At the same time the police arrived and took a statement from me. After that my mum and I packed up all our things and I moved into her house again sleeping in the living room with our baby. I quickly regretted and realised what I had done and he and I were texting none stop and talking on the phone just desperately wanting to sort things out. 2 weeks later I’d found a new place for me and my daughter to rent and the same night we moved in he came and met us there. I’d dropped my statement with the police against him too and it was never taken to court! Another couple of weeks later, without social services knowing we’d been in contact, they closed the case. I can’t exactly remember what the letter said but I think he was supposed to have had supervised contact. We’ve been together the full time and now our daughter is now 5 years old and I have fallen pregnant for the second time. I have my booking appointment in two weeks and I’m terrified that when I tell my midwife who the father is she will refer to social services again and they will get back involved and take my daughter away and my baby when it’s born! Please can anyone help me I’m absolutely beside myself. I don’t know where else to turn. I just wish they could see how we are as a family and how happy our little girl is with us and how well she is cared for.

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 22/10/2021 15:00

@LaBellina

Etinoxaurus

LaBellina
I wouldn’t tell her that you’ve had involvement with social services.
Everything is fine now in your life, the past is none of her business. You’re her patient, you decide what you share with her, not the other way around.
Dreadful advice. OP will be asked directly. Failure to disclose is looked on very seriously and would be considered grounds that she’s not putting her children’s interest first.
@Resilience has good advice.
flowers

Genuine question…how could the midwife found out that social services were involved with the OP in the past, unless she would call them and ask? Surely that’s not standard procedure to do.

It will be on the older child’s health visiting records.....it will also be on GP records which the midwife will have access to....sharing of information ...the midwife will refer the mum to health visiting for an antenatal contact after 20 weeks.....the HV will review the older child’s records before contacting the Mum....if the Mum doesn’t disclose Then it looks like she has something to hide then professionals will contact children’s services to get background info....
Derbee · 22/10/2021 15:04

Funnily enough @LaBellina the OP has had a lot of advice from people who know what they’re talking about, because they work in a relevant field. So nothing to add.

I’m totally within my rights to read a thread, and point out that someone is full of shite. You clearly aren’t self aware enough to realise that your bad advice was potentially very damaging. Agree about stopping communication - we will never agree. Thankfully

LaBellina · 22/10/2021 15:05

Thank you @Kitkat151.
I am actually a bit shocked that the midwife has access to the GP records. Would that be to the full file or just the parts they deem relevant for the pregnancy?

Metabigot · 22/10/2021 15:15

@Beardkfux

Thank you both that eases my mind a little, I’ve been worried sick x
Agree with PP that it's disgusting you falsely accused him of DV.

My brother had this happen to him 2 years ago has not been able to see his kids unsupervised since and is potentially facing jail time when his case goes to court soon despite a clean record.

TheFairPrincess · 22/10/2021 15:18

I don't know if midwives automatically have access to this stuff.

We had a social services referral as a routine part of my partner's own mental health support referral, due to the nature of what he was being treated for. Someone came round to speak to us and literally just checked in on us then the case was closed.

So technically, we had had a referral but when I became pregnant after that I just said no to the question and it was literally never brought up by anyone ever again. No midwife or HV pre or post birth.

Perhaps it depends on complexity/severity of referral? Are they categorised in such a way?

TheFairPrincess · 22/10/2021 15:20

Also my partner was falsely accused of DV, it ruined his life btw.

Granted this woman did it socially rather than officially but it's still an awful thing to do. We need to make shelter more easily available for women in vulnerable situations so women do not feel the need to lie about these kinds of issues.

OP though, if he was kicking you out you would have been homeless and eligible for the same kind of support. Are you sure this relationship will be stable? DV and relationship conflict skyrockets around pregnancy and birth. Please be careful based on this man's track record.

TheFairPrincess · 22/10/2021 15:22

@JorisBohnson2 are you sure your brother is not guilty? :(

It would take a lot to take that to court for conviction.

Metabigot · 22/10/2021 15:27

[quote TheFairPrincess]@JorisBohnson2 are you sure your brother is not guilty? :(

It would take a lot to take that to court for conviction.[/quote]
He's pleading not guilty.
Up to the jury now isn't it.

NCforsafety · 22/10/2021 15:33

[quote TheFairPrincess]**@JorisBohnson2 are you sure your brother is not guilty? :(

It would take a lot to take that to court for conviction.[/quote]
This is EXACTLY why false accusations are so fucking evil and should carry (again IMHO) prison sentences. No one can ever walk away from them - on this thread alone people are saying the OP is now probably lying and her partner was guilty of DV - she has said clearly he did not but as the accusation is out there people will always jump to this assumption.
And then @JorisBohnson2 with her brother is now having another poster questioning whether he is in fact guilty.
False accusations stick - withdrawals of them don't. Not even to mention the absolute mockery the OP and people of her ilk has made of people who are genuinely suffering DV.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 22/10/2021 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Repeating withdrawn post.

Goawaymorningsickeness · 22/10/2021 15:49

So you completely fabricated an assault allegation against him. Absolutely shameful. @Coronawireless throwing your partner out does not warrant this behaviour.

TheFairPrincess · 22/10/2021 15:49

@NCforsafety

Don't want to derail the thread but... the problem is both sides are true.

I have personal experience of someone lying awfully about my own sweet and gentle partner. Saying the worst things and before that blackmailing him saying if you don't do what I say I'll tell people the stuff she went on to say anyway. Of course it's life ruining and criminal.

On the other hand, you do also get friends and family rallying around abusers, abusers who go to sustained efforts to rubbish the abused, make them look crazy, tell their own side of the story, etc.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 16:08

@CloseYourEyesAndSee yes because it says so in the OP.

Inthesameboatatmo · 22/10/2021 16:10

To lie about dv is disgusting.
My now partner is the most kind caring and gentle soul, his ex however has accused him of many abhorrent things that's are completely untrue and have been proven to be so .
It affects him terribly he's having counselling still and has to live his life with a stain on his character because of people like you.
This is also why dv isn't taken seriously and the poor women and children who suffer it are left to it ,because so much false allegations go on .

With regards to the social services.
Maybe they will get involved maybe they won't that's up them to decide.

lynntheyresexpeople · 22/10/2021 18:55

I really feel for the children stuck in the middle of these petty games.

Beardkfux · 22/10/2021 23:31

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all of the advice. I just wanted to say, that to those who have judged me on the lie I told 5 years ago, I have clearly stated before anything else in this post that I was on medication for mental health problems which I had to immediately come off for the sake of my growing baby’s health. That with the addition of pregnancy hormones I did not cope well with and looking back I struggled mentally more than I knew. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I of course realise that the day I told this lie in anger was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. My mental health was out of control, I know most people won’t understand that but for those of you who have been kind enough to offer a supportive word thank you because it’s helped me more than you know 😔 x

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 23/10/2021 00:02

@LaBellina

Thank you *@Kitkat151*. I am actually a bit shocked that the midwife has access to the GP records. Would that be to the full file or just the parts they deem relevant for the pregnancy?
It’s shared care so shared records.....where I live the community midwives will all have access to a pregnant persons emis GP records ....everything that’s recorded there
TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 00:59

Please don't follow do this advice. Safeguarding mum and baby during pregnancy is crucial. There's no need to hide anything, you have shown that you both are capable of bringing up a healthy happy child

There's no way to know that from an anonymous post. Social services will assess that and rightly so.

I think it's disgusting that you are so flippant about making up an allegation of abuse, OP. And what kind of man is he that he was prepared to re-establish a relationship with you after that?! Plus arguments so bad you were calling police?

It all seems to indicate that both of you are pretty unstable and bringing another child into that kind of volatile situation would be very risky. What if you start fighting like that again when you have sleepless nights? How will that impact your existing DD?

TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 01:01

@Coronawireless

For all those shocked that OP accused him falsely of assault - he wanted to throw her out knowing she would be homeless.
And? That does not remotely make it ok.

Women who are abused are disbelieved because of people like this. Their relationship breakup and her need to find new housing is no excuse for making false allegations for a serious criminal offence!

TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 01:05

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

As a social worker I can say that we would screen this referral from the midwives but if there had been zero police contact in the preceding 5 years and the school/health visiting team had no concerns it probably wouldn't go any further. They might phone you to ask you if he has been abusive since that incident.
That imaginary "incident".

Also shocking that SS are so underfunded that they wouldn't even do an in person assessment when a tiny baby is being born into a volatile situation like that.

So much for "lessons have been learned". 😠😔

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/10/2021 05:33

Also shocking that SS are so underfunded that they wouldn't even do an in person assessment when a tiny baby is being born into a volatile situation like that.

An in person assessment when a baby is born into a relationship where 5 years ago a domestic abuse incident took place? No, this would not meet the threshold if there was no evidence of anything since. Not about funding, but about legal threshold. We have to operate within the law when meddling in other people's private lives.

OverTheRubicon · 23/10/2021 07:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Also shocking that SS are so underfunded that they wouldn't even do an in person assessment when a tiny baby is being born into a volatile situation like that.

An in person assessment when a baby is born into a relationship where 5 years ago a domestic abuse incident took place? No, this would not meet the threshold if there was no evidence of anything since. Not about funding, but about legal threshold. We have to operate within the law when meddling in other people's private lives.

More likely that if SS had enough funding to stay in touch in the interim, they would have seen more evidence.

In your experience, can you think of one set of parents that went from this volatile and unhealthy, and regularly calling the police, to being lovely stable carers for a new baby and young child?

More likely that one young child has already been stuck with bad parenting, and now another is about to be too - maybe even worse, with more stress and less oversight.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/10/2021 08:32

More likely that if SS had enough funding to stay in touch in the interim, they would have seen more evidence.

Social workers can't just 'stay in touch'
If the threshold isn't met for a child protection plan then engagement with social workers is voluntary and if the family refuse to engage they cannot be forced.
Social services only have the legal remit to get involved in families' lives when the threshold is met to do so. Lots of children live with less than optimal parenting and home conditions but that doesn't mean they reach the legal threshold for intervention.

To answer your question it's highly unusual for abusive men to magically change and stop being abusive. However mental health conditions can improve over time, people can move through periods of stress and out the other end, people can stop using substances and alcohol in problematic ways. Just because a family was in dysfunction at one point doesn't mean they will continue to be 5 years later.

mummatomason · 23/10/2021 09:45

@CloseYourEyesAndSee this is the best answer!
Theres so many judgemental people on here. People make mistakes, people can work hard and make themselves better people.... Not everyone but some can

TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 23:36

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

More likely that if SS had enough funding to stay in touch in the interim, they would have seen more evidence.

Social workers can't just 'stay in touch'
If the threshold isn't met for a child protection plan then engagement with social workers is voluntary and if the family refuse to engage they cannot be forced.
Social services only have the legal remit to get involved in families' lives when the threshold is met to do so. Lots of children live with less than optimal parenting and home conditions but that doesn't mean they reach the legal threshold for intervention.

To answer your question it's highly unusual for abusive men to magically change and stop being abusive. However mental health conditions can improve over time, people can move through periods of stress and out the other end, people can stop using substances and alcohol in problematic ways. Just because a family was in dysfunction at one point doesn't mean they will continue to be 5 years later.

Pretty dangerous to assume that it is functional thougj, rather than to check?! When a newborn baby and a small child is involved. Red flags everywhere - an unstable mother and an undtable father - and apparently it's not concerning enough to look at. Rightho. No wonder so many children suffer abuse and/ or die.
Swipe left for the next trending thread