Divorce - both want the house

[DinosaurDiana]

What happens if you’re getting divorced but you both want to keep the house ?

Have you even had a proper valuation of his pension?

You will get CMS until your DD leaves college it's until the September after she leaves in the summer.

How will you maintain the home? Sounds like he will fight you every step of the way and he may only want the house to spite you.

It would be cheaper to have counselling to come to terms with letting go of the house now tbh then end up in court.

You will likely still get more than 50% with a shit hot lawyer as his earning potential is more etc. Not masses more plus you have DD to house.
Crack on whilst you have that as leverage.

My mum did this and ended up losing out financially - in fact she couldn’t afford to run it and ended up selling anyway

At some point it will be too big for you anyway
You’ll sell
You’ll have been through a much more expensive divorce than was necessary

All for what?

I can understand the desire to stay there, given all the memories you stated. But if you know you'll downsize eventually anyway, maybe let him keep it and the kids still have their home to return to.
To fight for it and then sell in a few years feels spiteful.

@HeartIess

My mum did this and ended up losing out financially - in fact she couldn’t afford to run it and ended up selling anyway

At some point it will be too big for you anyway
You’ll sell
You’ll have been through a much more expensive divorce than was necessary

All for what?

I am interested because also thought about using the pension angle as a lever but the running costs would be enormous and we haven’t maintained it properly so I would probably end up having to sell it anyway. In my case one reason I don’t want him to have it is that the OW would love to live on this house snd you cN bet she’d get him to do it up fabulously…

It is for sentimental reasons. All my kids were brought up here. They crawled around y lounge, they climbed up the stairs, the bedrooms are theirs, they spent summers in the garden. I don’t want to let it go. I love this house and where I live.
My other option is to stay with him, continue to clean up after his lazy arse `and watch his drinking escalate.

Surely you can do the maths on that one?

You’re not really going to stay with a lazy boozer to keep some floorboards and turf you’re attached to? Time to give yourself a shake and set the DC a really good example. Remembering that mum was gutsy and practical will leave an impression on them that is far more valuable then their childhood bedrooms. Especially your DD.

You must get up-to-date advice. Your child is going to be in education until at least 18. Far better to get things sorted properly now rather than in five years. Life is to short, and it sounds like your speculations around the house are avoidant - and I reckon you will actually get a far better outcome than you are fearing. You need facts, and then decisions.

I haven't read the full thread but the answer to your original question is that, if you can't decide between you who gets the house, the courts will decide. It will form part of the financial settlement. It may, of course, turn out that the only way for you both to get a fair settlement is to sell the house, in which case neither of you will get it.

Consult a solicitor but I agree with others who say that, if your only reason for wanting to keep the house is sentimental, you need to let go rather than wasting money on a legal battle.

I'm with everyone else: you can't afford the house, and staying dead set on it for sentimental reasons will cost you a pointless packet in a contested divorce and leave you scrabbling in your old age.

Sell the house and split the equity. Take part of his pension. Buy a smaller place outright. I know it's hard to think about leaving the house, but it'll be far better to have a fresh start in a place that's all yours that you can manage and afford.

This is my home, I want to stay here.
I don’t see why I should lose my home when he has ended the marriage through lies, alcohol and MH problems.
I was a SAHM so that his career could flourish, I stood by him through MH problems (even when he was denying it and everyone else could see it ), and I’ve stayed while he drinks a bottle of wine every night and has made numerous promises to stop/cut down.

Usually one person would need to accept a buy out. If they couldn't agree on that the house would need to be sold and proceeds split. Unless there were young children at home then the main carer might well be given the right to remain in the house till the children were of age. I agree you need legal advice. Don't set yourself up for an impoverished old age.

He hasn’t chosen to have MH problems.

It will be better for you if you can be pragmatic.

This is my home, I want to stay here.
I don’t see why I should lose my home when he has ended the marriage

It’s his home too though.
If you can’t afford to give him half of the value then continue the upkeep alone then the house will need to be sold.
Same for him. If he can’t buy you out then it’ll need to be sold.
I’m sorry that’s abrupt, but it’s true.
Bricks & mortar won’t replace your memories. .

Has his pension been properly valued? Put aside sentimentality for a minute and work out what all your joint assets are worth. Then think about what you might reasonably get... Which might be more than 50% given his earnings. How much of the house does that cover? If the house is worth 4 times his pension you've no chance. If house and pension are worth similar you stand a very good chance of being able to keep the appropriate share of assets, its then a discussion about how to split them.
If you are able to keep the house and choose to, it will likely be a worse financial decision than moving to a smaller property now because of upkeep costs etc.
I got divorced and left the house my kids were born in etc. It is fine and was good to have a new start on somewhere that is just mine

You can take it to court and hash it out and rack up huge debts and will likely succeed.

You can carry on in your current state.

You can choose to be free and make plans whether he refuses to let you buy him out or at some point he changes his mind.

But its his home as well? Are you working now? How will you fund your house and life?

@MichelleScarn

But its his home as well? Are you working now? How will you fund your house and life?

Yes I’m working.

@Blue5238

Has his pension been properly valued? Put aside sentimentality for a minute and work out what all your joint assets are worth. Then think about what you might reasonably get... Which might be more than 50% given his earnings. How much of the house does that cover? If the house is worth 4 times his pension you've no chance. If house and pension are worth similar you stand a very good chance of being able to keep the appropriate share of assets, its then a discussion about how to split them. If you are able to keep the house and choose to, it will likely be a worse financial decision than moving to a smaller property now because of upkeep costs etc. I got divorced and left the house my kids were born in etc. It is fine and was good to have a new start on somewhere that is just mine

Apparently his pension is a pot of twice the value of the house.

If he doesn't want the divorce it may well be a tactic to keep you there and it appears to be working!!

I hope you aren't doing any cooking/shopping/cleaning/laundry for him.

I got the house and offset it against XH pension.

@DinosaurDiana

This is my home, I want to stay here. I don’t see why I should lose my home when he has ended the marriage through lies, alcohol and MH problems. I was a SAHM so that his career could flourish, I stood by him through MH problems (even when he was denying it and everyone else could see it ), and I’ve stayed while he drinks a bottle of wine every night and has made numerous promises to stop/cut down.

That's the risk you took when you became a SAHM, unfortunately. You gambled everything on him being a good man who could stably provide AND the two of you staying married.

Sadly, neither of those things have come to pass. That's the harsh reality. A house is just a house. It's just bricks and mortar. How much are you prepared to pay to lawyers to "win" it, and then have to sell it anyway? Seriously. Twenty K? Fifty? More? And how will you pay those lawyers without selling the house anyway, if you win?

@OrrisRoot

He hasn’t chosen to have MH problems.

It will be better for you if you can be pragmatic.

But he chooses to continue to drink and take antidepressants.

@RandomMess

If he doesn't want the divorce it may well be a tactic to keep you there and it appears to be working!!

I hope you aren't doing any cooking/shopping/cleaning/laundry for him.

I am.

My other option is to stay with him

Is there a patio?

I think he "wants" the house to distract you from the real issue.

If he can make you think he "wants" the house when he "gives in" you'll be so grateful and won't go after his pension.

Please, please be sensible.

Take half the house and half the pension.

Maintenance till 18 if in full time education and then hopefully after he'd support through Uni.

Start doing things to make the memories more tangible and something you can box up and take with you wherever you go if this is a really important area for you.

@Muchmorethan

I got the house and offset it against XH pension.

That’s what I think I’m going to try and do. There should be some pension coming my way as well if I’ve worked it out right.