Court for child arrangements

[Purpinks]

Hi there

Dp has applied to the court through his solicitor for child arrangements. He's been to mediation with his ex and she won't budge so solicitor says this is the next best step.

So bit of background, dp and his exw have been seperated for 5 1/2 years and dp has had ds eow, plus 1 night during week since then. Dp has had ds during school holidays as much as exw will allow, it seems to be on her terms as she doesn't seem to think they should share contact during school holidays. Dp has never been able to have his ds at Christmas, it's exw birthday on Xmas eve and she believes her children should be with her to celebrate this.

Dp is basically fed up of only having access when it suits his ex so wants child arrangements to be made legal. What he will be asking for is to carry on with seeing ds eow, but also half of the school holidays and for those dates to be confirmed a year in advance. He also wants alternate Christmas.

How do you think the courts will view this? Or anyone been through something similar?

Maybe have sympathy for a parent who loves their child and is doing everything he can to make sure he can be part of his child's life.

It actually sounds like his father moved 70 miles away from him, and his father also plans to drop the one night mid-week sleepover. And the reason he is going to be in his child’s life less than he currently is, is because not moving away, as he currently has a house near his son, wouldn't be fair on YOUR daughter.

@CassandraTrotter

Maybe have sympathy for a parent who loves their child and is doing everything he can to make sure he can be part of his child's life.

It actually sounds like his father moved 70 miles away from him, and his father also plans to drop the one night mid-week sleepover. And the reason he is going to be in his child’s life less than he currently is, is because not moving away, as he currently has a house near his son, wouldn't be fair on YOUR daughter.

Yes his Father did move 70 miles away to live with me. We have a daughter together, we're in a relationship and we have a much wider support network where I live. And it was absolutely the right thing to not move a teenage girl to another town in the last years of her schooling.

If we decided to uproot my eldest child and move to the town where dps son lives then I would still be writing this post as his mum wouldn't let him stay with his Dad more often there either.

She doesn't want her ds to form a relationship with me or his sister, that's why she is trying to block contact as much as she can. She also wants more money from my dp as I've said before we have in writing she would be more amenable to more contact if dp gave her more money.

Haha, easy! My Solicitor said she hasn't seen such poor behaviour in 30 years. I have ended up with PTSD and take propranolol every day for panic attacks! This is just some of the highlights.

People can be vicious when it comes to children. I am 2 years in and about £25,000 down. My Solicitor said domestic abuse allegations are a trend at the moment just like it was Munchausen's before. Very funny laughing about it when it's not you who has ended up unwell and your mental health affecting your ability to work effectively whilst trying to pay CMS based on a period of time when I didn't have PTSD and a high paid job before that got smashed.

It doesn't matter to me because it makes my point that I shouldn't walk away from my daughter under the influence of someone who thinks that kind of behaviour is okay.

But I am luckier than most by current standards at least as my daughter is with me 3 days a week and stays overnight and that's before our final court date. But ex had to be threatened with an interim care order.

If I wasn't the most unlikely perpetrator of domestic abuse things could easily have been horribly different for my daughter and I.

Yes his Father did move 70 miles away to live with me
And how selfish that was. When he moved 70 miles away from his child, did you think what great father material?

You didn't address how your loving doting partner is choosing to change the current arrangement his child is used to, and have his son one less night every single week and to also stop doing that school drop off.

@CassandraTrotter

Yes his Father did move 70 miles away to live with me And how selfish that was. When he moved 70 miles away from his child, did you think what great father material?

You didn't address how your loving doting partner is choosing to change the current arrangement his child is used to, and have his son one less night every single week and to also stop doing that school drop off.

You seem very angry on this matter, I assume you are in a similar position to my partners ex?

Yes absolutely great Father material and considering the needs of all the children involved, it wasn't a selfish choice to move.

Obviously the distance means that the midweek visit can't continue and that's an adjustment ofcouse, however, once we are able to have dss here for longer stretches over the school holidays, it's going to amount to much more quality family time.

The child's wishes are always a consideration in court.

Yep, provided that the kid is believed, in the case I know about, the kid wishes were only finally honoured when he landed the kid in hospital after a good beating.

Up to that point, the mother was resentful, influencing the child to lie, “alienating” the child of course…

I assume you are in a similar position to my partners ex?
Not at all But you tell yourself your selfish partner who moved 70 miles away from his son for his girlfriend, is dropping his one mid-week night with his son and his one school drop off, and only wants holidays and weekends, and none of the actual grunt work of parenting, is a great dad and anyone who points out otherwise is projecting. You do you, hun.

It is interesting seeing things from the other parent perspective. I have ended 3 long term relationships because progressing them would require for DS to be moved away of his familiar environment or for my exs’ children to have their contact reduced with their dads if they moved near me. I wouldn’t have allowed that.

My boyfriend and I have been together for years but again, we keep our own houses because it wouldn’t be fair on the children for the dad to move away from them at the time when they want to spend so much of their time with the friends that live close to them. I always assumed that if the dad moved away, contact would stop or be massively reduced as the kids went through teenage.

@CassandraTrotter

I assume you are in a similar position to my partners ex? Not at all But you tell yourself your selfish partner who moved 70 miles away from his son for his girlfriend, is dropping his one mid-week night with his son and his one school drop off, and only wants holidays and weekends, and none of the actual grunt work of parenting, is a great dad and anyone who points out otherwise is projecting. You do you, hun.

He didn't just move for his "girlfriend", we have a child together. And the midweek night is eow not every week.

If dp can share school holidays then this amounts to much more than the 2 nights a month that he won't be able to do anymore.

As I've said before consideration has to be taken for all children involved. Including dps adult daughter who is doing the majority of the "grunt work" of parenting.

Situations aren't black and white, you can't take one part of the outcome of a situation and lable someone selfish.

The point of my initial post was to ask if anyone has experience of going to court to request a similar amount of child access. Not to ask if he should go to court, because that's definitely happening.

Have to say @Purpinks I would not find it anything but concerning that a man would move away for his young child to be with me. Leave him 70 miles behind. Actually chose to do that and absent himself for another adult.

I know you have a child together now but it would always make me wonder how he could do that. I never could. It’s self indulgent and remarkably cruel and disorientating.

@Cleverpolly3

Have to say *@Purpinks* I would not find it anything but concerning that a man would move away for his young child to be with me. Leave him 70 miles behind. Actually chose to do that and absent himself for another adult.

I know you have a child together now but it would always make me wonder how he could do that. I never could. It’s self indulgent and remarkably cruel and disorientating.

He didn't move away until our baby was born.

We had no intention of living together when we first became a couple and often joked "will you wait for me" meaning we would remain living in our respective towns for the sake of our children for as long as that took. We dated long distance for quite some time. So I don't find it at all concerning that once our child was born he decided to move in with me.

Our baby wasn't planned (but obviously very much wanted) and it is absolutly the right thing that we live together so she can grow up with both her parents.

It isn't cruel, his ds doesn't feel abandoned and we have ran 2 houses for as long as possible so he has time to adjust. He loves spending time here, he also has a new sister who he adores, and lots of new friends and family members.

I'm surprised how many people put such a negative spin on this.

So a child has to travel 140 miles mid week during school time ? If I’m correct that is madness

I’m not putting a negative spin on anything in thinking of how this is for a child

if you were going to wait until the children were old enough to accommodate a move on someone’s part, then having a child together inevitably involved a significant change for one child or the other in terms of having to move or being quite some distance away from their Dad

Also depending on how old your child together is I would also consider it ill thought out.

Organising swimming lessons and being reasonable with someone you tell us is toxic doesn’t change any of the above. If anything your DP ought to have got something sorted in court a long time ago then he could have properly planned his life with you around it. After all the way you describe this woman it seems a miracle to me that he’s had what’s he had this far in terms of contact and given the travelling it seems on the surface entirely what many NRP with the exception of alternate Xmas and holidays

@Cleverpolly3

So a child has to travel 140 miles mid week during school time ? If I’m correct that is madness

I’m not putting a negative spin on anything in thinking of how this is for a child

if you were going to wait until the children were old enough to accommodate a move on someone’s part, then having a child together inevitably involved a significant change for one child or the other in terms of having to move or being quite some distance away from their Dad

Also depending on how old your child together is I would also consider it ill thought out.

Organising swimming lessons and being reasonable with someone you tell us is toxic doesn’t change any of the above. If anything your DP ought to have got something sorted in court a long time ago then he could have properly planned his life with you around it. After all the way you describe this woman it seems a miracle to me that he’s had what’s he had this far in terms of contact and given the travelling it seems on the surface entirely what many NRP with the exception of alternate Xmas and holidays

No, there will be no more mid week contact once the house sells as 140 mile round trips aren't feasible. At the moment eow dp travels to see his ds midweek and stays at his old House.

Our baby was never part of our plans, she was a result of contraception failure.

The contact between dp and ds hasn't changed, it just happens in different house and it involves a car journey on the Friday and the Sunday.

Once dp has been to court, and I'm hopeful he will be successful, dp will have much more time with his ds because of the addition of school holidays

Absolutely unacceptable to expect a child to miss weekend activities every other week. So if it was Dad who moved, he needs to facilitate those still happening. Don't sell the house near the kids, that would be crazy - downsize yours if anything. Honestly, a Dad who chose to move 70 miles from his kids would get limited sympathy from me.

He isn't missing weekend activities, we've arranged for him to have activities here. So he does activities with his sister one weekend, and activities with us the next weekend.

We can't downsize as we need enough space for all the children. Nor can we afford to keep a house that is empty the majority of the time.

Judge deemed relationship with the nrp and siblings over activities ime .. Rightly so.

I think you'd be better off asking for 1 weekend a month and more time in the holidays.

Being away from your home town every other weekend is disruptive with the best will in the world. He won't be able to commit to anything at weekends. Yes groups will happily take your money even if you make it clear you'll only be there half the time, but eventually he will miss out and fall behind on swimming, or stop being picked for the football team if he's only there half the time, whatever he ends up getting into. He'll get annoyed when he can't go to his pal's really exciting birthday party because it's his weekend at his dad's with his baby sister.

@Purpinks

He isn't missing weekend activities, we've arranged for him to have activities here. So he does activities with his sister one weekend, and activities with us the next weekend.

We can't downsize as we need enough space for all the children. Nor can we afford to keep a house that is empty the majority of the time.

It doesn't work like that. If he goes to a sports club or something each week will build on previous ones.

@Knitwit101 and @sparemonitor are raising really valid points

You need to be careful this isn’t about your DP and you getting what you want when it’s really about a child’s quality of life which at ten means more than weekends with just their separated respective parents

I don’t think more time in the school holidays and at Christmas is at all unreasonable but during term time and with him getting older you need to really think about him

You are basically saying that he can't do any weekend activities that build towards any sort of goal as the term goes on. That's quite a big restriction. He got no choice in the move 70 miles away, it doesn't benefit him at all.

I think maintaining a relationship with his Dad is more important than weekend activities. Only seeing your child once a month is absolutely not acceptable. A month is a long time in a child's mind, it wouldn't be fair on him. What would we tell him? You can't come here as often because at some point you might take up a sport that requires you to be at your mums every weekend?

He hates leaving here when it's time to go home, he counts down the hours each Sunday that he's with us.

It's in his best interest to spend more time here, not less.

@Purpinks

You have an older child
Wasn’t part of the reason you didn’t relocate based on her life and needs as an adolescent?

Enough said

And also it’s not being at his Mum’s it’s being at his actual home

@Purpinks

I think maintaining a relationship with his Dad is more important than weekend activities. Only seeing your child once a month is absolutely not acceptable. A month is a long time in a child's mind, it wouldn't be fair on him. What would we tell him? You can't come here as often because at some point you might take up a sport that requires you to be at your mums every weekend?

He hates leaving here when it's time to go home, he counts down the hours each Sunday that he's with us.

It's in his best interest to spend more time here, not less.

But it's not his fault dad moved away. And you may find that as he gets older he resents that. I would have. Dad's actions are basically saying that his new family is more important than seeing his son.