My ex won't return our child

[cocomelon24]

I have always got on well with my ex, we had our issues but always but our child first. He has recently become really hostile towards me and and not confirming when he is picking and dropping our child off. We have always had set agreements which we were both happy with for the past 10 years now he's demanding additional night. I said I didn't feel this was the right time to be changing as our child has just returned to school and had some other personal issues going on. He has now threatened not to bring our child home. And looks like he's threatening court actions what can I do?

It sounds like there are no court orders in place. If he refuses to return your child, I'm afraid you will need to go to court.

How old is your DC?

Our child is 12 years old.starting high school in the summer.

I'm sorry he's being a dick. I've had this experience too and it's awful.
How is contact split now?

Suggest mediation to work out how to go forward? From his side he is likely thinking why do you get to decide how much time he has with his child. ( not saying he is going about this the right way) but communicate and work out something that can work for you all

Our custody have been in place for over 9 years. Our child is now 12 years old. My ex didn't sit me down and talk about changing childcare. He demanded it angrily through a text then sent a letter from a solicitor two weeks later. Our child like most has just returned to school and setting into a routine again. Am I a horrible parent in saying no, it's not the right time.

Not only that but my ex has been sitting our child down and telling them everything that's been going on between us. It's putting so must stress onto our child that now I don't want him having more access until he learns that we're the parents and we should be attempting to parent together. Not bitching to our child.

@AprilFoolaround

I'm sorry he's being a dick. I've had this experience too and it's awful. How is contact split now?

Thank you lol. He has our child 2 nights a week. He takes our child holidays, weekends away which I have never objected. Our child has such a good routine, visiting family and meeting friends regularly after school. Changing would upset there routine. Plus I have heard him make our child feel guilty the odd time they don't want to go. I am now concerned by child is making choices that wouldn't make them unhappy. Just to keep there father happy. I think a big part of it is they are growing up and he's trying to grip on by taking me to court. Asshole

@Enko

Suggest mediation to work out how to go forward? From his side he is likely thinking why do you get to decide how much time he has with his child. ( not saying he is going about this the right way) but communicate and work out something that can work for you all

If he sat me down and spoke to me we would have been able to come to some sort of arrangement. Our child is 12 years old and soon will be old enough to to tell both of us what they want. And not feeling they have to choose between us. I feel that's what my child's dad is doing. He wants mediation for 50/50 custody and I am just not comfortable with that.

Is there something which has caused this flashpoint? If you have been getting on well for 10 years then it’s peculiar that he has started acting like this. It seems like he is reacting to something that has happened/been said.

There’s a family mediation voucher scheme at the moment which covers up to £500 of mediation costs:
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/mediation-vouchers/

You have been acting as “resident parent”. Forget “custody”.

This can be evidenced by child benefit, where child is registered for gp, school nearby etc. As you do not appear to have settled this legally, you can try mediation or go to court. As a 12 year old, what DC thinks will be taken into account. 50/50 is often disruptive when another routine has worked for so long. I would consult a solicitor and move this forward - but make sure DC is involved regarding what he-she wants.

What does the child want?

OP: there are loads of people who think 50/50 is “fair”. He’s probably been told this. Therefore he feels disadvantaged not getting what he’s due. It’s a common picture.

However it misses out what the child thinks and that arrangements need to fit around school and life. It’s not about adults and their requirements to divide up a child between them.

At 12, and going to secondary school, it’s important they are heard. A child residency issue isn’t about the adults and their notions of fairness. It’s about being fair to your child. The child is central and mediation/judges take this position.

@PresentingPercy

OP: there are loads of people who think 50/50 is “fair”. He’s probably been told this. Therefore he feels disadvantaged not getting what he’s due. It’s a common picture.

However it misses out what the child thinks and that arrangements need to fit around school and life. It’s not about adults and their requirements to divide up a child between them.

At 12, and going to secondary school, it’s important they are heard. A child residency issue isn’t about the adults and their notions of fairness. It’s about being fair to your child. The child is central and mediation/judges take this position.

Yip this is the thing and this is what our child is repeating to me that they want us both to be happy and they believe that it's 50/50. My child does live there dad and I am have always allowed additional nights whenever they wanted. My concern is now that my child is telling me they are happy but telling there father they want more time. I have agreed that but he wants this set in stone, I am concerned he will make out child feel quilty if they don't want to come. Our child has had a lot of changes the past two years. We lived with my parents and just moved out. His dad is in a new relationship and getting married next year. Am sure they might want to start a family. What my child wants now may change in 6 months and if he gets and extra set day, then cancel there dad because they are meeting pals. He will drag my ass to court again. We have now agreed to attend mediation. But I will not agree to an additional set day. I have already told him our child can stay additional day if they want. He's still not happy and he will take me to court. Have anyone attended mediation before?

@PresentingPercy

You have been acting as “resident parent”. Forget “custody”.

This can be evidenced by child benefit, where child is registered for gp, school nearby etc. As you do not appear to have settled this legally, you can try mediation or go to court. As a 12 year old, what DC thinks will be taken into account. 50/50 is often disruptive when another routine has worked for so long. I would consult a solicitor and move this forward - but make sure DC is involved regarding what he-she wants.

He never wanted additional time when I was potty training and up during the night changing beds or when they terrified starting school and begging me not to make them go back. Through all there little worries. Now they are a teenager they wants to invoke his 50/50 rights? Our child has always been happy with the childcare arrangements. It's only now my ex is unhappy. Our child is, because he keeps pushing his agenda on them. He has such a controlling nature which is one of the reasons I left him. He's now trying to control our child.

He doesn’t have 50/50 rights. No such thing.

You need to establish what works best for DC, school and friends. DC at 12 must have some idea about what works.

I have no experience of mediation but I would work out a timetable based on education, school, homework, friends, clubs/sports and what is reasonable for DC. Also look at where you might compromise. Is there anywhere in a 2 week period that could be a time when he sees dad a bit more?

It’s time for you to be clear about the fact you are the resident parent and have the responsibility to go with that. I would try and speak to DC about not swapping and changing when dad is seen and that dad cannot bribe and coerce to alter arrangements. DC can have an opinion but if there can be agreement, it cannot be changed all the time when dad thinks it’s a good idea.

So, your child doesn't want to go extra?

Have you specifically asked? As in ' it is ok if you want to go for an extra day'

If he has been happy with the current arrangement, then I think the novelty of an extra night will soon wear off. I'd be tempted to agree, and see how long it lasts.

@Somethingkindaoooo

So, your child doesn't want to go extra?

Have you specifically asked? As in ' it is ok if you want to go for an extra day'

If he has been happy with the current arrangement, then I think the novelty of an extra night will soon wear off. I'd be tempted to agree, and see how long it lasts.

I have agreed the additional night whenever my child wants, however he wants our childcare arrangements now via a court order and set in place. I want my child to have flexibility. I feel he's making our child choose between us. If we don't agree mediation is there a good chance he will get what he wants?I am agreeing the additional night but just as and when our child wants. My child says they are happy with Agreements with me, he says our child isn't when with him. Our child just doesn't want to be put under this pressure. They are too young to understand the emotional stress of this. Our child has never mentioned any additional time with there father. Not during school holidays, all through COVID. My child has only brought this up to me because it's been pushed on them by there father in my opinion.

Don’t forget courts see if from the child’s perspective. Not a coercive parent’s perspective. They do take education, friendships, stability and the sensible managements of the arrangements into account - for the child. I don’t think going to court is the big issue you think it is. You need professional advice but 50/50 isn’t a given at all in the circumstances.

It would also be a binding agreement. No changes on a whim to suit dad. You get your time to say what you think and I think your child is getting to be old enough to understand everything. They often do understand arguments over spending nights away and discord.

@PresentingPercy

It would also be a binding agreement. No changes on a whim to suit dad. You get your time to say what you think and I think your child is getting to be old enough to understand everything. They often do understand arguments over spending nights away and discord.

Will our child be brought into mediation? I am concerned it will stress our child. I have agreed additional nights. I just don't want it set, would that not be deemed reasonable given our child's age?

Will our child be brought into mediation? I am concerned it will stress our child. I have agreed additional nights. I just don't want it set, would that not be deemed reasonable given our child's age?

No

You stare I "allowed" him to have an extra night. Does sound as though youview the one being controlling. Mediation and someone listening to your child would be the best solution.

I have advised many parents in this sort of conflict, on both "sides".

You have said you want to take the pressure off your child. As they are 12 they are old enough to express a preference but asking them to say if they want to stay the extra night at each visit, will be stressful. They may find having a written agreement easier, then the pressure is off the child to decide whether they want to stay. This is assuming they will be safe and looked after at either home.

If the relationship has generally been good, and your ex loves and looks after his child, then denying extra visitation will need to be justified.

Before you go to court you have to attempt mediation (or have a very good reason for not - like DV). It is cheaper, it will allow you to write a new contact plan and agree a review date. It will be more official feeling but unenforceable, so still have flexibility. A child contact order made in court, can be enforced.

If you still can't agree a plan with your ex then you might end up in court. CAFCASS may be asked to talk to you/ your ex and your child separately, to write a report and make recommendations to the judge. Ultimately if you and your ex can't agree then a judge will on your child's behalf.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/

Child law advice can give free legal advice via email or phone, for family or child law the number is 0300 330 5480.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/

Hi, thank you for the reply.
So my child has always been happy with the childcare arrangements. I have always allowed additional time as and when they wanted. I have always had a good relationship with my ex but over the past year he has become almost impossible to deal with. He regularly tells our child what I should and shouldn't be doing. He is constantly making our child choose between us. He will not communicate with when he's picking up our child and does everything all through our child.

We had these arrangements for 10 years. His child Maintenances payments have recently gone up and I feel that's why he's now asked for more time. He didn't even come and ask for extra, he demanded it through a solicitor letter.

He has then continued to question our child, I heard or child call him and say they were happy with the childcare arrangements, they made it very clear on the call he was upset. Then our child visits him and he mind is completely changed. I have asked him repeatedly not to discuss our issues with our child but he is constantly. It also got back to me through family that he was telling people I am a terrible mother and I do nothing with our child. I had a baby during lockdown and due to COVID what could I do with them. We were in lockdown! His recent behaviour makes me really concerned to give him that extra night. What happens when he goes to high school next year and he tells us he doesn't want to spend time with either of us? Am I going to get put through court of our child changes there mind in 6months. Our child turns 13 this year. I think it's a bit late to demand 50/50 custody? I honestly feel I am just being bullied into it and I feel he has Coerced our child into the outcome he wants. Should I still allow my child that additional night with this type of behaviour?

Are you and your ex able to sit down together with your son without a third party in a kind, supportive and child centered manner to try and get this information yourselves? The longer this goes on the more stress your son is going to be under and the worse the relationship will be with your ex. Maybe it’s a bit idealistic as it would require two child focused parents who could put their own needs secondary to their child’s.

I wouldn’t advise going to family court as it creates more animosity which reading your posts is probably the last thing your child needs right now.