My ex won't return our child

[cocomelon24]

I have always got on well with my ex, we had our issues but always but our child first. He has recently become really hostile towards me and and not confirming when he is picking and dropping our child off. We have always had set agreements which we were both happy with for the past 10 years now he's demanding additional night. I said I didn't feel this was the right time to be changing as our child has just returned to school and had some other personal issues going on. He has now threatened not to bring our child home. And looks like he's threatening court actions what can I do?

The question is not "should" but will you have to look at changing your current contact arrangements.

Your ex is pushing for more contact. You can ignore solicitors letters and refuse to attend mediation and deny your ex additional nights contact. But your ex can apply to the court for a child contact order. A judge will decide if additional contact days are reasonable and your child's welfare is what the court will look at and their right for contact with their parents not the parents rights to have/ deny contact. It is generally cheaper/ less stressful to avoid the courts if you can. If you can, retain control over the situation. You suggest mediation you decide your limits for compromise and get a plan in writing.

I suggest you get some legal advice on what to expect. Call child law advice and check your own insurance policies as you may have access to legal advice/ representation.

I think him and his new wife To be, have now realised that 50/50 will stop all maintenance payments completely and the fact that he's a teenager and isn't hard work anymore, is driving this.

Unfortunately your child will have to express a wish, if it goes to court. Cafcass will hopefully get to the real wishes of your child and they are used to the guilt a child feels in trying to please both parents.

@Twoforthree not everyone who has 50/50 don’t pay child maintenance! It’s a myth often brought up on mumsnet but isn’t actually the case.

OP, you have a new baby which really might be effecting the time your child wants to spend with you. I think giving a child no structure to their week where they can “decide” to stay another night with a parent isn’t a good idea at such a young age. Kids need a routine.

Go to mediation. You both sound very emotional about contact. Having a third party to help you discuss it might help.

I really hope you get it sorted and it all works out!

I don't think you are right stopping an extra night, if he already has him two nights a week one more night wouldn't be an upheaval for the child and probably in the long run better for the child as he can have a decent amount of time with both parents.

However how he has gone about changing the routine is absolutely unacceptable and the necessarily volatile. And I can now understand your concerns about moving forward. I wish I had advice for you but all I can say is maybe it might be a time to formalise through court your arrangement so he can't just throw his weight around whenever he fancies.

@Twoforthree

I think him and his new wife To be, have now realised that 50/50 will stop all maintenance payments completely and the fact that he's a teenager and isn't hard work anymore, is driving this.

I think that's exactly it. He hasn't been interested in taking any extra days when he was off school due to COVID and extended holidays. Now payments have gone up he's now demanding it. I said I will give him extra am just not having it set as am sure our son will change his mind again when he goes to high school. He'll get to a stage where the guilt trips won't work. Then what happens if it's a court order and our son decided he isn't going, does that mean I am threatened with court action again?

@Twoforthree

Unfortunately your child will have to express a wish, if it goes to court. Cafcass will hopefully get to the real wishes of your child and they are used to the guilt a child feels in trying to please both parents.

That a bit of a relief. If I thought my child truly wanted this then I know I would have no option but to allow it. But after all this time? My son never asked to spend attentional time till I received this solicitor letter.

[quote Username7521]@Twoforthree not everyone who has 50/50 don’t pay child maintenance! It’s a myth often brought up on mumsnet but isn’t actually the case.

OP, you have a new baby which really might be effecting the time your child wants to spend with you. I think giving a child no structure to their week where they can “decide” to stay another night with a parent isn’t a good idea at such a young age. Kids need a routine.

Go to mediation. You both sound very emotional about contact. Having a third party to help you discuss it might help.

I really hope you get it sorted and it all works out![/quote]
I completely agree. That's what I said. Our son has just returned to school. He has a new sibling. His dad has just entered a new relationship and getting married next year. So I said it wasn't the right time to be changing our childcare arrangements. Our son will be in a better place to make a big decision like this once his lifestyle has settled a bit and got to normality. I don't say no I just said not now. I have agreed mediation but I don't think I will get anywhere. I have tried lots of times to try communicate with him directly via text and email but he never responds to me. How am I supposed to be comfortable with him having my child half the time and he won't even speak to me

Yes, because parents who wants to see more of their child/ren really only does it for the CMS savings!

You can reverse that and say every person in receipt of CMS doesn't want their child to see the other parents because they will lose CMS! So they are more interested in financial gain that promoting a relationship with the other parent. I suspect the amount of times it's mentioned on here it's a touchy subject because that may more likely be the truth of the matter!

Just to play the devil’s advocate- is it possible the child does want to spend more time with their father due to personal issues and/or the new baby? Maybe they are telling their father the truth and saying they are happy so they don’t upset you?

@Skeptadad

Yes, because parents who wants to see more of their child/ren really only does it for the CMS savings!

You can reverse that and say every person in receipt of CMS doesn't want their child to see the other parents because they will lose CMS! So they are more interested in financial gain that promoting a relationship with the other parent. I suspect the amount of times it's mentioned on here it's a touchy subject because that may more likely be the truth of the matter!

It's seems very strange, I have given his father any additional time he wants and when suits him. His payments go up now. Now he wants it set. You can't deny that's a bit odd. He takes out child long weekend and holidays. I have never dined access. So why set days now.

I have agreed additional time when my child wants. I just don't want it set given our child's age and the type of year they have had. Surely that's reasonable. What if we get a court order, 6months time they change there mind. Will I be forced back to court because I didn't obey the court order?

You are both his parents. Stop with the allowing. Your son has a right to both parents and both parents should have a day in his that child is raisef. Maybe there may be more peace and quiet at his Dad's if you've just had a baby?

@Skeptadad

Yes, because parents who wants to see more of their child/ren really only does it for the CMS savings!

You can reverse that and say every person in receipt of CMS doesn't want their child to see the other parents because they will lose CMS! So they are more interested in financial gain that promoting a relationship with the other parent. I suspect the amount of times it's mentioned on here it's a touchy subject because that may more likely be the truth of the matter!

Absolutely not. For many it's not at all about the money. But in this particular case, it's funny dad wants him just now at age 12, when maintenance payments have gone up and he's at an age when he doesn't need looking after or entertaining as much.

@RedHelenB

You are both his parents. Stop with the allowing. Your son has a right to both parents and both parents should have a day in his that child is raisef. Maybe there may be more peace and quiet at his Dad's if you've just had a baby?

If you look at above I have agreed additional time that dad wants.I have also tried to communicate with him directly regarding our child to come to a resolution that we are all happy with. However he is unwilling to communicate back. I am also not comfortable with my 12 year old making big changes like this in his life at this age which I why I believe this should be flexible as I have agreed additional nights. I just don't want a court order. I want my kid to have flexibility and be able to meet friends. Not tied to us as it's dads/mums night. I need advice not a lecture. Thanks

"It's seems very strange, I have given his father any additional time he wants and when suits him. His payments go up now. Now he wants it set. You can't deny that's a bit odd. He takes out child long weekend and holidays. I have never dined access. So why set days now."

Yes, the timing is a bit odd. I got my recalculation through - £700.00 - not bad for sitting at home playing with our toddler.

I suppose if he has a baby on the day he want's all of the days allocated so the days your son is with him he isn't paying CMS. If it's an informal arrangement he might feel hard done by.

I still think someone needs to extract from your son what he wants. It takes away all the speculation and unnecessary aggravation. Even if it is a play to reduce CMS it doesn't discount the fact your son might want more time with his dad.

@Skeptadad

"It's seems very strange, I have given his father any additional time he wants and when suits him. His payments go up now. Now he wants it set. You can't deny that's a bit odd. He takes out child long weekend and holidays. I have never dined access. So why set days now."

Yes, the timing is a bit odd. I got my recalculation through - £700.00 - not bad for sitting at home playing with our toddler.

I suppose if he has a baby on the day he want's all of the days allocated so the days your son is with him he isn't paying CMS. If it's an informal arrangement he might feel hard done by.

I still think someone needs to extract from your son what he wants. It takes away all the speculation and unnecessary aggravation. Even if it is a play to reduce CMS it doesn't discount the fact your son might want more time with his dad.

This is the thing, I have always given him the time he wanted. I have always been fair and always understood he is our kids father. Our kid has stayed additional nights whenever they wanted, they have went on holidays together etc, there is no way he can say I have withheld our son because I have never done that. Our son needs us to parent together and be flexible with him as he grows. I am not saying he's demanding this because of CMS payments but it just seems strange his payments go up, then without coming to me and speaking like adults he loses his temper and contacts a solicitor. His behaviour has dramatically changed.

Op not being harsh here but you have been given advice.

Take it to mediation work it out as adults co parent. However if the reality is you don't want to do that. Yes he can take it to court. It really doesn't matter why he is doing it now. He IS doing it now. So your options are

1 Try to work it out in a way agreeable to you both perhaps through mediation perhaps through other ways of communicating

2 Wait and see if x does take it to a court

Either way its not about you agreeing when x wants extra time its about what is best for your child and you and your x may have different views on this.

I understand that this is difficult for you, but you are reading what you want to hear, and not taking a bigger view. You may think that allowing more contact when asked for it is being reasonable or flexible, but it is actually coming across as very controlling. You are happily finding lots of excuses for why he doesn't really want to see his child and it is only because of some other reason you have concocted, but for which there is no evidence.

Despite what you think about yourself, you have been clear right the way through the thread - this is not happening if you have any control over it, you will allow some extra nights when you want to agree to it, and, for some reason, you are the only person who knows what your child really wants / what is best for them. I suspect that if that is the way you have approached your discussions with your ex, then that will explain why he has a solicitor and wants court involvement.