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Original poster

Child contact

32 replies

MaybeLost · 23/02/2021 03:10

Hi,

To cut a long story short I’m looking for advice please, I’ve been separated for over a year now and while we did at one point try to work through our marriage issues it has broken down. My Wife and I attended mediation and while I’ve only ever wanted to have contact for two weekends per month she just won’t budge and is currently sticking to the point of making me see them when I’m not working for an hour per day before they go to sleep in her house.

I will just like to get any opinion on this and if anyone has had similar issues. All I ask is to be able to be a father not just sit and watch them for maybe 3hrs per week in there mother house.

They are both younger than 7 and she has said she believe little and often contact is now the best recommended route with young children.

I’ve got until next week to decide to take a legal route or pay for another mediation session when all she is trying to to is control me. She had 3 older children who stay with their father 3 nights per week and have done for nearly 8 years since the youngest was 1, however he is a solicitor.

Any help would be appreciated! One lost daddy!

Thank you

OP posts:
Collaborate · 23/02/2021 08:19

That sounds unrealistic. Your timings are off though. If she's offering you an hour a day that's 7 hours a week, not 3.

A court would expect you to be having the kind of contact you describe as wanting, although you don't say exactly how old the children are and for young babies the contact should be more little and often rather than in weekend chunks.However this would not be simply you going round to her house and watching them being put to bed. That sounds terribly controlling.

If she still doesn't budge after your next mediation then bring it to an end and apply to court.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 23/02/2021 08:26

Stop mediation if she’s unrelenting and start the court proceedings as early as you can. If she’s not for moving then taking it before a judge is the only way to achieve what is best for the children.

An hour a day is completely unreasonable and completely not in the best interest of the children unless there is extra issues going on.

Best of luck to you and the kids.

Ostryga · 23/02/2021 08:27

Yeah that’s not good. She’s using the children as a way to see you and spend time with you. Not great.

I’d definitely be gearing up for court tbh. And they will likely offer EOW and a weeknight that you have the children at your house. Obviously if the children are under 1 this will be built up to. But still not at her house.

Make sure you log everything, keep a diary of all the times you have asked for contact and she has refused, keep all texts and emails and try not to have any conversations re the children by phone or face to face. You need proof of what she is doing.

Good luck!

Original poster
MaybeLost · 23/02/2021 09:31

Thank you both!

Nothing else going on, just a very controlling mother breaking me to pieces.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeLost · 23/02/2021 09:32

If I’m at work 4 late shifts a week this adds up to me being only allowed to see them for 3 days. If it’s a Friday im not allowed either as her mother spends the day with her and the kids.

They are 5&3 age wise.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 23/02/2021 09:59

3 hours a week is appalling. You must be very frustrated, but try and keep all conversations neutral. Getting angry with her isn’t going to help a bit.

You don’t need to wait until next week with court, I’d get the ball rolling today and get in touch with a solicitor. The quicker you act the better it will be in the long run.

Collaborate · 23/02/2021 10:02

@MaybeLost

If I’m at work 4 late shifts a week this adds up to me being only allowed to see them for 3 days. If it’s a Friday im not allowed either as her mother spends the day with her and the kids.

They are 5&3 age wise.

Old enough that you should be having them overnight regularly.
Original poster
MaybeLost · 23/02/2021 10:06

Thank you! Very manipulating and very hard to keep my cool but I understand. I have to reply to the mediator by Monday.

I shall give one more session a go as I know my solicitor well and I think it’s the right thing to do. I’m just too nice maybe!

All I keep thinking is why?!? Why do this?!

Anyway I appreciate the support but must sleep! Night shifts 😴

Thank You again

OP posts:
Skeptadad · 24/02/2021 20:58

Younger than 7? I can understand younger than 3 but a 6 or 7 year old would easily be every other weekend and a day in the week.

It's probably not a popular thing to say on Mumsnet but I am heading into a shared care arrangement for my 2 year old in May in court goes as anticipated.

This is about what is right for the children not what is right for your ex!

Original poster
MaybeLost · 24/02/2021 23:21

Very true and good luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeLost · 26/02/2021 18:32

So after she tried to delay things further today I’m not being able to agree a sooner date for the next mediation session I’ve stopped mediation and contacted my solicitor.

I didn’t want to do this however after the first mediation session where she has no intention of changing her mind I’ve been left with no other choice. She has always said she doesn’t wish for someone else to decide the outcome but isn’t willing to change.

I feel very flat this evening and emotionally it’s hurting me so much.

Hopefully the next stage won’t take too long!

OP posts:
Skeptadad · 27/02/2021 16:44

Just get it done! I waited two weeks before lodging my c100 as I knew my ex would be obstructive. It’s about what’s right for your children and they need both parents in theirs.

If someone makes you take them to court because of their behaviours it’s their fault not yours. Sadly it’s probably going to take around a year to sort it out I would imagine. Best of luck!

Original poster
MaybeLost · 27/02/2021 17:39

A year?!?!? I can’t cope with this for a year?!?!

OP posts:
netstaller · 27/02/2021 18:10

You need to apply to court or it won't get sorted. The sooner you apply the sooner it will be sorted

Marshy86 · 27/02/2021 18:47

Hi Op;

Apply to court they can allow an intermittent arrangement until it's finally settled so it may not take that long for things to improve.

Also think of other practical things not just the weekly time you want with them, ie father's day, alternative Christmas, holidays, communication moving forward, decisions on medical care and schooling.

Original poster
MaybeLost · 27/02/2021 19:09

How do I get a intermittent arrangement?!

She is really controlling this whole situation. Tonight I made one comment about not being able to see them for a little longer and she said anything else and I will ask you to leave!

It’s getting that hard it’s almost easier not to see my children which is breaking me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeLost · 27/02/2021 19:09

@netstaller

You need to apply to court or it won't get sorted. The sooner you apply the sooner it will be sorted
Very true! I know
OP posts:
Marshy86 · 27/02/2021 20:01

It will be via the court so the sooner you start the better, tell your solicitor your scared she will stop contact once she finds out your going to court and want to apply for a temporary arrangement until it can be an arrangement can be finalised.

Skeptadad · 27/02/2021 20:52

It's probably going to be 18 months by the time my situation is sorted out. There have been interim orders following directions hearings but she has ignored the court orders as they have been "recitals" rather than orders. If you have a recalcitrant ex you are likely in for a very shitty time. There are backlogs because of COVID-19.

My sympathy extends so far. You know what your ex is like you should have done this very early on. You don't need a Solicitor to complete the C100 it's very easy:
www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

I would do it this weekend if I were you.

Original poster
MaybeLost · 28/02/2021 14:24

C100 sent to the court online!!! Why am I panicking!!!

OP posts:
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 28/02/2021 15:47

You sound a brilliant Dad, it seems like a mountainous task but I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her tune once she sees you mean business.

It will be worth it in the long run, your kids will know you fought for them and when they grow up will resent she tried to keep them from you.

Original poster
MaybeLost · 28/02/2021 15:55

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

You sound a brilliant Dad, it seems like a mountainous task but I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her tune once she sees you mean business.

It will be worth it in the long run, your kids will know you fought for them and when they grow up will resent she tried to keep them from you.

Awww! Thank you so kindly 🙂

It’s a uphill struggle atm and just feel she is trying to push me over the edge. She has said even in mediation she doesn’t wish for someone to decide what happens to our children yet I’ve been left with no other alternative sadly. She won’t budge so I’ve had to go legal.

Thank you for your advise.

OP posts:
Skeptadad · 01/03/2021 10:10

She doesn’t want anyone but her to decide YOUR children’s future! You have done the right thing. Lots of people go to family court these days.

She sounds very controlling you will be in a better position when her control over you and your children’s life’s has been diminished.

Original poster
MaybeLost · 01/03/2021 10:50

@Skeptadad

She doesn’t want anyone but her to decide YOUR children’s future! You have done the right thing. Lots of people go to family court these days.

She sounds very controlling you will be in a better position when her control over you and your children’s life’s has been diminished.

Totally agree and thank you!

See what happens once she finds
Out about court?! Not looking forward to it if I’m honest but it has to be done!

OP posts:
Skeptadad · 01/03/2021 22:48

Well if you are very unlucky this is when the false allegations of domestic abuse and legal aid kicks in against you.

If you are lucky your ex will understand that being obstructive won’t go well in court for and will start to be reasonable. Hopefully it’s the later!

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