Ex applying for order of sale of jointly owned home! Desperate for guidance

[Trolleydolly789]

Hi there hoping to try and keep this post brief but it’s a bit complicated so apologies if I waffle! My ex and I aren’t married we do have three children our youngest is 7! We split last year and he left the family home. We agreed that rather than him pay maintenance he would just continue to pay the mortgage then when our youngest starts high school we would sell and split the difference (the school is on our estate and impossible to get into if you live out of catchment) anyway ex has met someone new and decided he wants to buy with her! In April he applied for a mortgage break for six months citing financial
hardship (he earns £60k a year) and he refused to give me any money for the children during the six months! The six months ended December and he’s paying the mortgage again but he wants to force the house sale. He has applied
for an order of sale! He went to a mediation mtg behind my back and told his solicitor I refused to come I didn’t even know about it I was actually at work! He’s told me that if I fight him he will pass any costs incurred on to me and has also advised that he won’t be paying maintenance once the house is sold as I’ll have the money from the house! He knows I can’t afford to fight him and he knows I can’t chase for maintenance as he won’t give me his address! I’m raising his three kids who I’ve protected fed and loved through a global pandemic and this is how he repays me what on Earth do I do I feel desperate i can’t eat I can’t sleep and when I ask him to reconsider he tells me that I can stay in the house for two more years provided i sign a document that his solicitor will draw up saying that he will pay the mortgage but nothing else and then I must sell and I must accept his terms regardless! If don’t I’m out now and he will take me for as much as he can and I’ll have nothing! Can he actually do this to us? I’ve never felt so broken down and vulnerable he’s holding me to ransom

Whose name is the house in?

If your children are already in the school then hopefully the catchment thing is a non issue. You need to invest in legal advice. You can normally get 30 mins free I think, but just pay for the advice however you can as this has the potential to determine yours and your children's future.

Go to CMS ASAP about the maintenance. They must have ways around not knowing where someone lives.

We jointly own the home both names are on the mortgage! He’s said that if I apply to the CMA he will just force the sale quicker and then charge the costs to me!

He's bullshitting you. Go to cms. It has no bearing on the legalities of the house.

Get a claim in now, get your own solicitor and he'll soon realise you aren't going to be bullied by him.

I wish he was but I’ve received the letter from his solicitor he’s been to mediation behind my back and he’s putting the order of sale in Monday unless I sign a document to say that he will pay the mortgage for a further two years on the condition I won’t pursue him for maintenance after the House sale! If I don’t sign it he’s putting in the order of sale Tuesday and he’s paying £3300 to do it!

This sounds pretty abusive even if the relationshiphas ended. Could you contact woman's aid? They might have legal advice thats free.

Of course he can legally apply for the sale of the house. It is half owned by him. You could have done the same. How much equity are you likely to get? Perhaps use your energy to positive effect by considering your options with regard to housing. The good news for you is that the current backlog of cases in the courts likely means this won’t happen quickly so you have time to think things through. This was always inevitable I’m afraid.

He can apply for an order forcing a sale but that doesn't mean he will get it. The welfare of your children is an important consideration for the court. If the sale would leave you and your children without a roof over your heads it is highly unlikely the court would give your ex the order he wants. It sounds like he has given you more than enough evidence that he is trying to bully you.

Ignore his threats. Apply to the CMS for maintenance. If he tries to carry through his threat, see a solicitor.

He’s said that if it goes to court he will pass the costs to me and it will come out of my share of the house so I’ll be even worse off! He’s self employed and will avoid maintenance and has told me as such! He didn’t pay the mortgage for six months yet didn’t give me a penny despite knowing I was struggling I lost twenty percent of my income due to furlough and he knew this but did nothing! if I file a child support claim it will just antagonise him and he will be more spiteful I don’t have a leg to stand on! Even with the equity in my home I won’t be able to afford to buy again and I’ll be paying more in rent to stay local and near my kids school I’m 43 and too old to start again I feel like this is the end of the road for me I’ve failed my children they are going to lose their home their friends and their safe space and I’m going to struggle financially whilst he lives his best life thumbing his nose at the system and avoiding his responsibilities to his children! I’m broken

You have good advice from @prh47bridge. I would advise following it.

Kindly, trolleydolly, you are catastrophising.

I’m guessing the end of the relationship wasn’t your idea. I get that thinks feel bleak especially if your ex has moved on romantically.

But now is the time to do the best for your children and stat planning a new future. First and foremost get some legal advice - always better than strangers on the internet! Then do some sums. What kind of deposit will you have out of the sale of your house? What could you borrow for a mortgage? What and where does that lead you? If the future looks manageable consider whether it might be better for your well being to just get the house sold and move on.

And as others have said the child maintenance issue is a completely separate matter. Yes self employed people can sadly wriggle round the CMS, but get the claim in anyway. It will show him you are serious about getting things sorted.

Is he saying that he wants to give you all the equity if the house against any maintenance? How much is the full equity?

Would you really be unable to buy anything with that even if you have to take a mortgage for whatever amount the bank will allow you, and if you extend your working hours?

It sounds that all he wants is his name off the property so that he himself can buy a property.

His suggestion, depending on the level of equity on the house could be fair or not. Either way, you won't be able to stay there forever if you can't buy him out. Two years give you the chance to go FT and get a mortgage offer which with the full equity should get you a property, if not the type or the location you'd prefer.

Don’t allow yourself to be bullied by him. Listen to prh47bridge.

Keep all his threats to you. Do you know for sure he went to mediation? It seems very odd that in a relationship breakdown they take the word of an involved party that the other person isn’t attending?!

Tell him you have taken your own advise and your preferred option is that he takes you to court, especially as you weren’t invited to mediation. O wouldn’t be able to help myself telling him also that he doesn’t get to decide who pays costs, the judge does.

4mongrels wow thank you I didn’t know that about the costs he’s made it seem as though he’s passing all costs incurred on to me he also said that if I agree to the sale he will go 70/30 but if I refuse he will force 50/50 and then take all costs from me! He told the mediator I refused to attend I didn’t even know it was happening and can prove I was at work on the day! I’ve never felt so lonely and isolated and the last few days I’ve questioned if I can even go on with the fight I’ve had 15 years of this behaviour but with the pandemic and his treatment of me and the children’s it’s got me struggling both financially and emotionally I’ve lost three stone in weight since October which any other time would be awesome but it’s down to pure stress and heartbreak!

dontdisturbmenow I do work full time I’m a speech/language therapist so my wages will only ever be what I’m on as you’re capped once you get to a certain level unless you want to do further training which I’ve just finished four years of I have three children to look after alone so I’m pretty much doing a fourteen hour day once I’ve finished at four and then become mum again for the evening! He doesn’t want to pay maintenance full stop it’s not as if he’s offering extra equity to cover the kids costs he simply wants his half of the house and then he will disappear! He’s self employed so knows how to hide money hence the arrangement where he just continued to pay the mortgage! He knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows i can’t afford to fight back! There’s no praying he will see sense this is the man who took a tinder date on a five star trip to Mexico at Xmas knowing the Boiler was broken and me and the children had no heating for four days until I could borrow the £369 to get it fixed! He doesn’t care about his kids it’s all about control!

Oh so sorry to read that you are going through. First thing you need to do is get a diary and write everything down so that you can keep track. Include everything, like the holiday/boiler, more with be better. Try and not speak to him, keep it to texts and emails so it is written down. As someone said get advise from Citizens Advice and the free 30 minutes from solicitors. Have all your info and financal numbers written down ready. If he tries to pressure you into decisions just write back you are waiting for professional advice/feedback, he will have to wait and note in the diary the pressure, backed up with his messages. You are going to have to be one step ahead of him. And try to get him, if he hasn't already, to write in a message/email that he will not pay maintenance, hide his salary etc as this will help you.

Advice remains the same as on your other thread.

1. Seek legal advice regarding the forced sake of the house
2. start a cms claim

He has left you and you need to focus on the future. Stop catastrophising and sit down with a lawyer to work out your best options.

He doesn’t care about his kids it’s all about control!

Then it is in your long term interests to get away from his control, and for as long as you own a house together you cannot do that. Because it doesn't sound as if it's going to get any better, and he'll just play silly buggers at every turn for as long as you have that tie. And it will take its toll

Get proper legal and financial advice, and look for ways to make a clean break.

You may have already said but is buying him out an option, especially if he's said he will go 70:30? I'm 43 too and have just had a mortgage approved for this purpose. It's difficult but if you can find a way to feel more in charge of the situation it will help.

I wish we had a rule in this country that the declared salary used to secure a mortgage/rental property has to be the salary that’s used to calculate child maintenance.

Did the responses on your other thread about this exact subject (although this one does have slightly more detail in it) not suit you?

I don't get how he would pass the court costs to you? I don't think that's how it works...

I'd be wondering if those solicitors letters are genuine to be honest! Very easy to fake these days.

A lot of what he's saying IS bullshit!

Go to cms, they have the ability and resources to track down non paying non resident parents via hmrc, dvla etc they did it with my ex when he was being a particular arse! I'd be calling them first thing tomorrow in your shoes.

He cannot "make" you responsible for any payments you aren't legally accountable for and he can't stipulate over what time you pay them etc.

He's at it!

He's trying to scare you into doing something against you and dcs interests. What a dick!

Don't fall for it.

Contact shelter, they are very knowledgable on law relating to property disputes they're not just for people who find themselves on the streets. They're experts on many aspects of housing and property law.

If you can possibly afford then yes also get your own solicitor even if only for basic info.

@prh47bridge is very good at advising great they're on the thread.

prh47bridge

He’s said that if it goes to court he will pass the costs to me and it will come out of my share of the house so I’ll be even worse off!

I don't believe ops ex can legally do this can he?

Kindly, trolleydolly, you are catastrophising.

I agree, understandably so but panicking shuts down the brain, so...take a step back, calm down and get the facts before you even think about responding to him.

I catastrophise too so I do understand the response, but ultimately it's not useful.

His being self employed needn't necessarily mean he gets out of paying cm. my ex went self employed for a while and I simply spoke to hmrc as his "lifestyle exceeded his claimed income" and well things got sorted, at least temporarily.

@4Mongrels The issue with cm and self employment etc loopholes seriously needs to be addressed, unfortunately there is a major lack of political will

How much is the mortgage? Has he been paying the full mortgage and is offering to continue to pay for another 2 years?

You need to calculate how much you'd get in maintenance as opposed to the full mortgage as if you're to stay, it would be reasonable to expect you to pay all of it. Being self employed could make calculations much lower than expected and you then end up in a fight with CMS.

A SALT can earn £40k to £50k in the NHS. I'm really surprised you would have been put on furlough. Is there really no way to buy him out if he offers you 30%?

Ultimately, what is it that you want? Him to pay the full mortgage, child maintenance and for you to stay for another 5 years whilst he has to pay rent in addition to the mortgage?

I’m still training and work in SEN education so will be capped at around 30k until I can complete my full degree and go into the NHS and onto their pay scale. My aim is to have a secure place for my children for the next five years when my youngest turns 11 and goes to high school whilst paying the full mortgage myself with him contributing an honest amount towards the children’s upkeep rather than hiding his salary. I’d like the end result to be able to buy him out fairly stop making it sound like I want to sit back and rob him blind whilst working 10 hours a week and bleeding him dry! He earns three times what I do refuses to have his children as it’s not convenient and won’t play fair I even offered to take on the house myself and allow him to walk away without paying anything towards his kids upkeep for the next 11 years it would be 13 if they went into higher education but he refused that as well! The guy didn’t pay the mortgage for six months and spent the extra six grand on a road bike and gaming PC without giving me a penny he isn’t some poor hen pecked ex thrown out to the wolves and fighting for what’s his he’s a manipulative bully who is happy to have his children move schools and away from their family and friends for less than a years salary for him!