DH is dying, what do we need to do now?

[Nopreservatives]

To make things easier, with regard to practicalities, when he goes?

I hope that doesn't sound callous, it's always been a coping mechanism of mine to "do" something in difficult times.

We have mirror wills leaving everything to each other. Executors are me and 2 (just) adult DC.

We own the house, mortgage free and have some savings some joint, some sole accounts. No life cover, not needed, both able to earn an independent living.

He has occupational pensions from two previous jobs and his current one.

Cars owned one in each name, no credit.

Utilities a mixture of in his name and mine.

Is there anything we should sort out now rather than afterwards?

I'm so sorry for you but also totally understand the need to focus on practicalities.

I've not been through this but if he is still with capacity a list of all online accounts and the passwords - not just financial but subscriptions etc.

Discuss how he'd like to be remembered eg funeral / ashes / wake?

Can you write or record messages for people if they can't visit or even just so they have something to watch and remember him by?

How imminent is his death? Is he able to deal with any paperwork at the moment? It doesn't sound as though there's anything that needs doing urgently, though I'd suggest he checks with his pension providers to see if he needs to complete any nomination forms. Get the utilities all transferred to you if you can, just to save any faffing. When the time comes get several copies of the death certificate. If you're married there won't be any IHT to worry about which makes things a bit easier.

Transfer the utilities
Move money into joint accounts where possible
Take time to look after yourselves

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Have you discussed with him what he wants for his funeral? Or maybe he could write it down if it's too raw to talk about just now?

Have you talked about electronic accounts such as email, social media, files, folders, photograph storage that he would like you to have access to or would like to delete?

Has he thought about whether he's got any belongings that he would like people to have, as keepsakes or just because he knows they would like them? A friend of mine gave away most of her clothes and books for example and took some comfort on a) doing this job so that others didn't have to, getting pleasure from other people having joy from things that had brought joy to her.

Is there anything that he would like you, or others, to do/go later on when he's not here to remember him? It can give a scant comfort to still be able to plan into the future - you won't be there but you can imagine other people being there and thinking of you. Special places, something that you had hoped to do but now won't.

It's very hard. There's nothing right or wrong and it sounds like you've got the basics well covered.

If your DH has not filled out an expression of wishes form for his pensions (if this applies to his pensions) then this would be a good thing to sort out.

Sorry, pressed post too soon. I've very sorry for your loss.

He's in hospital, no visitors, but he's still capable, is doing his tax return today!

Death isn't imeadiately imminent, 1-2 years.

Get all utilities and other bills transferred to your name

Make sure you are beneficiary of his pensions (depending on how they pay out and provision for widow/nominee)

List of his email addresses, user names and passwords (at least the basic email account which is fall back account) so you can deal with his online affairs, including social media

Make sure you have enough money in the accounts in your sole name that you are not worrying for money during the time it takes to sort out the joint name ones after death.

Find out if there are any remaining things he wishes to do, or people he wants to communicate with now, or leave written messages or whatever

@Nopreservatives

Sorry you and your family are going through such a terrible time xx

Ok, well there's time. I hope you & he get to have some good quality time together and enjoy it.

Maybe another thing is a list of people he'd like you to tell when he goes. My dh has so many people from so many different parts of his life that I wouldn't know where to start. I think for me it would be a lot easier, so depending on the sort of person he is and how many friends/acquaintances you've got in common, a plan for communicating with them, e.g X will let all the music people know, Y will let all the work people know, Z will let all the cycling people know.

I'm really sorry to hear this. My husband died suddenly. These are the practical things that I wished we'd sorted out:
Funeral arrangements (I wished I'd known his wishes, even vague ones if your husband can't talk about it at length)
Passwords - for everything online, including phone pin
Access to all his emails and online apps(broadband contracts etc)
My husband held the master account on our laptop, so I can't do any software upgrades.
Are you joint tenants? We were tenants in common and it's caused no end of problems with my house sale
Are all his pension nominations up to date? Don't assume you're automatically the next if kin, even if you are named as such in his Will

On an emotional level, if he is up to writing letters or anything like that to you and the children I would have found that a comfort afterwards.

I hope this isn't too matter of fact - I'm sorry if it is. You must be heartbroken.

Have a look at the wills. It would be easier if you were sole executor ( you could have dc as executor in case of your death first).

Transfer all utilities into your name now, while your partner can give permission.

I would also suggest getting power of attorney (not cheap!) for both financial and health.

Get a record of all passwords.

I've just been trying to get everything sorted on behalf of my dad after my mum died unexpectedly. We were told 3-5 years, but it was only just a year. Prepare everything now, just in case you don't have time.

When we knew my DH's condition was terminal, we ensured that:
all money was in joint accounts
all utilities and other regular bills were in my name
I knew all passwords that I might need
His pension nomination was up to date

The processes made me feel for how much more difficult a sudden death must be. On top of the shock involved, there would be so many things made much more complex.

I wish we'd discussed his funeral, but that wasn't his way. He really didn't want to talk about his death. He was absolutely focused on living his remaining time as normally as possible. Which I totally understood and accommodated.

Oh, the cars. Yes, ideally transfer ownership of his to you.

Sorry to sound so direct. But doing all these things meant that basically my husband's will (leaving everything to me) needed no attention at all. Basically everything had already become mine. This made life so very much easier.

I am so sorry. Have you looked into how you will spend the next 1-2 years? Maybe make a bucket list and try to make arrangements around how well your DH will be.

I second talking about the funeral. We had a large family argument take place due to one relative wanting the most expensive everything and another wanting a modest affair. It would have been so much easier if it had been already planned.

I am so sorry for your family and I totally understand about this being your coping mechanism.

If your husband is currently employed there may be a ‘death in service’ payment due to you - as others have said, he needs to make sure all his beneficiaries are correct.

I am sorry you are going through this and I understand the need to be doing something. It's a way of getting some control into your life. I was a very sudden widow and some of the things that should have been trivial were incredibly stressful, you have the chance to do without that.

As others have said, get all the utilities into your name, have a record of all the log ins and passwords. If he can, get as much of the financial stuff as possible into joint names, anything in his sole name will be frozen but you will still have access to the joint accounts. If you have a multi car insurance policy make sure you are the lead name, the insurer would not speak to me about the insurance for the car that I was driving and the only way around it (supposedly) was to cancel the policy and start a new one. Do you know the password for the router, does the printer email someone when it wants attention?

Depending on what you want to do with the next year or two (covid aside) if he's under pension age it may be possible for him to access his pension now.

What does he want doing with his social media accounts? You'll need his email account finally, there will be people writing to him for some time after the funeral. I had everything from asking for a reference to wanting permission to use one of his photos. When you think you've told absolutely everyone there is to tell you'll come across someone else who hasn't seen him for ages...

Sorry you are going through this OP. My DW died 6months ago. All bank accounts are frozen once you notify them of a death. For most UK banks, if you have a mirror will and are legally married you will not need to go to probate for amounts up to £50,000 held with any single bank. If you share a car as we did, that belongs to your DH, you will need to xfr "registered keeper" into your name and tax and insure it in your name in order to be able to carry on driving it. You will be entitled to claim Bereavement Support Payment. Easy to do over the phone.

Will you have to pay IHT? HMRC insist it is paid before they grant probate. Some UK banks and building societies will pay the IHT before probate directly to HMRC - but presume as you are wife this wont apply to you as main beneficiary.

Is this fresh news, OP? Do you have support from family and friends? Do your children know how serious his illness is? I'm so sorry. It must be incredibly difficult for you both.

Speak to the pension providers. They can pay out a serious ill health lump sum if life expectancy is less than 12 months.

Is he likely to be able to carry on working for a while yet? You may need to look at the various options for how he eventually leaves his employer. When my DSis was dying, she and DBil negotiated with her employer to be dismissed in a particular way so that it maximised the various payouts. I am not clear on the exact details, and of course some employers may be less helpful than others - you might need to get independent HR advice.

I would second the advice about getting as much as possible into joint names or transferred into your name, and changing utilities etc in advance. When my DH died (suddenly, so no planning possible) it was a huge help that a couple of the main bank accounts were in joint names, so I could carry on using them.

And I don't like to say this, but be prepared for it not to be 1-2 years. Those predictions are always an inexact science. When DSis's cancer returned, she was told she might have a year or two but it turned out to be three months. I know people who have lived longer than predicted too, of course.

So sorry to hear this OP. Esther Ransom has a good book called “how to have a good death”. Quite old now but you might be able to get it on the kindle or Amazon and I have found it helpful when faced with loss.
I wish your DH a peaceful passing and I wish you all a peaceful future as you face it without him physically but always in your heart

I’m so sorry to hear your sad news.

Do speak about his wishes if he is able to share these with you.

When my mum knew she hadn’t got long she gave me all her financial affairs to sort out while she could still sign things etc. It really helped to close off any small things. In your case, see what you can get transferred into your sole name if you have a little time. This will save you having to send off paperwork and probate etc later.

If you’re talking about many months rather than weeks, consider taking out one of those over 50s policies as they often pay after a year.

And please think about the support you will need around you as a lot will fall on your shoulders 🌷

@saraclara

Oh, the cars. Yes, ideally transfer ownership of his to you.

Sorry to sound so direct. But doing all these things meant that basically my husband's will (leaving everything to me) needed no attention at all. Basically everything had already become mine. This made life so very much easier.

Just picking up on this one be careful because if there is nothing left in his estate then you lose an IHT allowance