Ex-P wants to take over as the primary carer

[LargeProsecco]

Currently separating from ex-partner; but living under the same roof for a little bit longer until the financial side is settled.

I have always been the primary carer, working part-time since having DC (11 & 7). Since lockdown he has been a bit more involved than previously (he worked away/long hours prior to that, with little involvement in day-to-day life).

But he basically spends all his evenings & weekend in his bedroom, not really engaging much with DC. So I'm still doing the vast majority of the parenting. He sees them for a bit in the morning & then at bedtime.

He's now decided that he wants to go for the primary carer, as he feels he can "offer stability" - he can probably afford to buy me out the house but not to pay maintenance on top of that.

I am a low earner, I will struggle to afford stay locally & will likely need to relocate, moving schools etc.

So he's proposing via his solicitor to go for primary carer.

He can't just do that, can he?!

No, he can't - if he's barely done anything and is barely doing anything now then it will be on what's already gone on - and building up to greater time

Let your solicitor handle it - be really clear with them how much you've been doing

Haha no of course not. But you need proper legal advice.

Are you married? Sounds like it might be to wriggle out of giving you any assets or maintenance for the kids.

No he can't.

Regardless your ex H will have to support you as well. He needs to pay you out of the house AND give you an allowance.

Oh this is only to get a higher settlement and die you have to pay him maintenance!!!

He can f*ck right off...

Get a good solicitor. He's got very little chance of winning if things are as you say, but you'll need legal help.

Yes, I've got a very good expensive solicitor & she has been made aware of this.

I've been keeping a diary for the last 6 months of who has done what.

He has started doing some food shopping, cooking meals & school drop offs 1-2 x a week since schools restarted.

He is very manipulative, hence me keeping the diary.

Yes, he's keen to avoid maintenance.

No, we are not married.

What does he mean by 'offer stability'?

If you have been primary carer and are remaining as so, you probably won't have anything to worry about.

What would be your ideal split for contact? 50/50?

Would you have to relocate far? Sorry you are in this position nd good luck!

He means "stability" because he would be able to stay in the house & they could continue in the same school.

In an ideal world, I would keep them in the same school. But realistically, my budget is 200K ish & the cheapest flat in catchment for the high school is 250K.

Of course, it's not that important to him that he would be prepared to pay maintenance which I could use towards getting a mortgage.

Ideally, I would like to do 1 week night a week. Plus every other weekend & 50% of school holidays.

But if I can get nearby it will be EOW.

He is a high earner - 60K - so would have to pay a lot of maintenance if I was to move away.

Do you co-own the current house?

Have you had it valued recently and can he really but you out at market price?

Yes, house is co-owned. He could buy me out by offering a shite amount of equity; I have refused.

I think he plans to discredit my parenting, hence me keeping the diary of my contributions (versus his).

So he can't offer the stability of keeping the house unless he is primary carer...

Blimey what an arse, utter arse 🤬

absolutely fucking not! what a twat he is

so he wants primary carer, to keep the house and not pay any maintenance?!what a charmer

no OP, keep that diary, do not feelguilty about anything - business from now on

get that shit hot lawyer onto it

He can propose whatever he likes.

You don’t have to agree 😊

@RandomMess - I know

Lying, cheating, manipulating c*nt.

I honestly think he has a personality disorder (NPD) - constant lying, gaslighting, playing the victim, controlling crap.

Horrible specimen. Can't wait to be shot of him.

OP why are you not starting with 50/50 on childcare?

@jdoejnr1 - because he doesn't do 50/50!!!!!!

I'm doing the vast majority of the parenting whilst he sulks up in his bedroom like a fucking teenager!!!!!

He is 48 & barely engages with his kids, that's why.

If he was a hands-on dad it would not be an issue. But he's clearly doing it to minimise maintenance & push me out their lives.

What decent parent behaves like that?

How is it in the children's best interest to have 50/50 with a father who barely acknowledges them?

At their ages, a mediator or court would likely take their views into consideration too... Do they see him as an amazing disney type Dad or do they know he's flaky?

My 11-year old has said "daddy doesn't give a stuff about us, he's in his room or office 24/7".

But he loves his dad. And his dad is a sports coach so presents very well on the surface & to others - but it's a very different story at home.

My youngest likes a story from her dad at bedtime, but he doesn't bother with her during the day.

I've put us down for family mediation, but feel so sad for the kids.

For a dad who has always worked long hours/away from home (likely deliberately as a means of avoiding family life), the last 6 months was his opportunity to spend some time with his kids & be a decent parent.

There are no excuses now & he doesn't deserve to be the primary carer.

Sorry but if he is working FT in a demanding job, how can he devote his time to them during the day?

@dontdisturbmenow - he is WFH just now (since March) due to Covid.

So he thinks that makes him a good candidate for being primary carer - even though he barely engages with them.

All you keep emphasising is that working full time in the house does not = parenting...

He's just trying it on and believes the crap he spouts!

@RandomMess - I know!! It's purely manipulative crap from him as he wants to keep the house & avoid paying maintenance.

I'll speak with my solicitor tomorrow; she has already said to his that I will not agree to it, but I wasn't sure how much recourse I have.

You hear about cases where fathers get 50-50 when they are effing useless & it does worry me.

I've kept a diary for 6 months - for example he swore at eldest this morning, who was then in tears - and is now being extra nice to him - classic manipulation but easy for me to see as an adult. Not easy for young kids.

Any lawyers here who could comment on the legalities?

Hopefully child benefit is in your name and you can evidence that you have always done medical, dental appointments etc. Same with school activities you have been the one attending?

I would make lots of lists.

Ultimately if mediation fails it goes to court to be decided with cafcass involved. You can certainly not agree to sell the property to him at a knock down price and that would go to court separately but I guess would rely on estate agent valuations etc. If it were being physically sold and one person blocks it the courts can force sale.

My brother in law was in a similar situation. Joint owners of the house, young children, both earning. His partner got a mortgage in her own name and bought him out of the house. He was paid half the current equity in the house. He paid child maintenance until they were 18. There was no question of him paying her any kind of personal maintenance, and never would have been no matter what his income because they weren't married. I'm not sure if a court could have ordered higher child maintenance but your solicitor will know this.

Basically unmarried, it's 50/50 on any joint property, including furniture etc. Children usually live with the mother. If the mother can not afford to take over the mortgage and pay out the equity, then the house is sold and equity divided, or the father takes over the mortgage and pays the mother half the equity. There is no question of the father paying for the mortgage and not living in the home. Not being married is very black and white. You have very few rights if you are unmarried.