Ex-P wants to take over as the primary carer

[LargeProsecco]

Currently separating from ex-partner; but living under the same roof for a little bit longer until the financial side is settled.

I have always been the primary carer, working part-time since having DC (11 & 7). Since lockdown he has been a bit more involved than previously (he worked away/long hours prior to that, with little involvement in day-to-day life).

But he basically spends all his evenings & weekend in his bedroom, not really engaging much with DC. So I'm still doing the vast majority of the parenting. He sees them for a bit in the morning & then at bedtime.

He's now decided that he wants to go for the primary carer, as he feels he can "offer stability" - he can probably afford to buy me out the house but not to pay maintenance on top of that.

I am a low earner, I will struggle to afford stay locally & will likely need to relocate, moving schools etc.

So he's proposing via his solicitor to go for primary carer.

He can't just do that, can he?!

Provided you can provide a suitable home, even if it's rented, then you will almost always be the primary carer. He will have the normal access and overnight stays.

*No he can't.

Regardless your ex H will have to support you as well. He needs to pay you out of the house AND give you an allowance*

Of course he can. He’s the child’s parent, he can ask for primary carer status if he wants to.

However for a father to succeed he will need to prove the mother unfit. Which usually will be neglect, drink, drugs etc.

My brother was the primary carer throughout his marriage. Did all the school runs, bedtimes, school holidays, hobbies. Self employed so worked round school hours while his ex held down a full time job.

When she had an affair and kicked him out he went to a solicitor to ask about RP as basically ex was using his parents as childcare. Solicitor said he didn’t stand a chance as kids were cared for adequately.

@MsKeats Regardless your ex H will have to support you as well. He needs to pay you out of the house AND give you an allowance

This is absolute nonsense. OP is not married, and even if she was this is unlikely to happen unless the husband is a millionaire.

Unfortunately, I think he will try to discredit my parenting; he put emails in the recycling bin to his solicitor-saying I was behaving increasingly erratically.

Just lies & manipulation- I have been providing full care for DC, doing all their clubs, hobbies, I barely drink and certainly don't do drugs.

And keeping a diary of his lack of interaction with them, swearing at DS etc.

It's Scots law so no cafcass here.

[quote goldenharvest]**@MsKeats* Regardless your ex H will have to support you as well. He needs to pay you out of the house AND give you an allowance*

This is absolute nonsense. OP is not married, and even if she was this is unlikely to happen unless the husband is a millionaire.

[/quote]
Sorry I thought they were married.

You can get an order to stay in the house until the children are 18 IF you could afford the mortgage on your own.

Please don't worry about him trying to discredit you to his solicitor. His solicitor has seen it all before and he is not the judge. He probably laughs, files them and charges £200 to read and file the email.

A court would need evidence and there is none. Nothing from school, child mental health, health visitor, police or anyone else. More importantly your children's own opinion on who they want to live with. Courts have seen this crap over and over again. They don't take the word of someone with an ulterior motive.

Do they have Mesher orders in Scotland? Do they apply to unmarried couples?

Yes, there could be a mesher if we were in agreement- I could possibly take on the mortgage but would not able to pay him any equity - so the best thing is to sell up or him to buy me out - neither of us have the automatic right to buy eachother out or stay on.

The law here favours a clean break, and that's what I would prefer.

It's been a horrendous realisation that he's been subtly abusive for years.

I am so upset that he would be so manipulative as to lie about my parenting.

In Scotland you can leave an abusive situation & move children away without permission. There's no such things as prohibitive steps orders here.

But ideally you should try to agree between you - he will never agree. I have put us down for mediation - but I know it will fail. I can't afford to stay locally. Hence him deciding he is the primary carer, to force me out their lives.

He's a nasty piece of work.

To be honest courts don't fall for this but expect them to agree to shared parenting 50/50. He will need to pay the market amount to buy you out but at 50/50 you won't get maintenance. £60k is not a high income when it comes to maintenance btw. I do get spousal but it's higher income, a private agreement and connected to a sen child and 27 year relationship.

I'm not expecting any kind of maintenance in terms of supporting me.

I'm earning 23K at the moment; desperately trying to increase my part-time hours - but I can only manage permanent full-time if I relocate (I work in a specialised field of a small profession).

Perhaps you need to consider if your best option is to leave now and move to elsewhere in Scotland?

CMS works on actual nights so even if it starts 50:50 if after 4 months he is no longer doing that you can the phone CMS and start a claim based on what is actually happening.

Will your older one stand firm against pressure and not want 50:50? You can the use what is the established normal and what the DC want to ensure you have more like 60/65% of nights.

There is no way your ex will get more than 50%

He can request it but doesn’t mean it will be awarded
He’s need to demonstrate why that’s in the children’s best interests
Btw working full time does not preclude you from being a great hands in and responsible parent in itself
You’ll need to demonstrate factually why you believe you are primary carer
In reality you’re arguing about child care arrangements and should both look to how this can be arranged to provide stability for your children
You can’t get a mesher as you’re not married I don’t believe

I'm always amazed how often men come out with this crap. They haven't done a teacher meeting, doctors appointment, sports group or playdate in 10 years but come separation they honestly think they can announce they are/should be the primary carer. Does he even know what the kids' schedules are? Have a single phone number for key contacts?!

Honestly I think hes very unlikely to convince the courts of any of this. But he is being a painful dickhead and I am sorry you are having to go through this.

@millymollymoomoo - I work 0.9 WTE & am doing the vast majority of the parenting, whilst he spends his evenings up in his bedroom, barely engaging with them.

I organise the play dates, haircuts, school uniform etc.

He does sports coaching for DS - all the public glory stuff. But does not do much with them outside of that.

He has not spent any 1:1 time with DD since July.

I've suggested to my solicitor 1 night a week, EOW & 50% of school holidays as a contact pattern.

If I move away it (for work) it will be EOW.