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Original poster

Any solicitors in family law here to help re DA?

43 replies

Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 14:40

I don’t want to put too much info on here for obvious reasons and I have name changed. A few years back I went to court to stop my ex being able to have contact with my dc due to domestic abuse. Thankfully I won but he was allowed to send letters once a month to dc, but never bothered to. I had maybe annual texts of abuse but ignored. He’s recently decided to write to them. I have them the choice if they wanted to and they did. They were pissed off by the content as he speaks to them like they are 5. They are early teens. They binned the letters and said they never ever want a letter again. To complicate dc have SN and mental health issues that have been caused by him. Eldest tried to kill him self because of him.

Ex has changed tact in his texts, all polite and using ‘correct terminology’ and someone is clearly advising him. I told him to stop and told him to stop adding to the anxiety and stress he has caused dc. He has ignored this and continues to write. I am now not responding to texts. I’m fed up of having to keep looking over my shoulder and be scared every time the door goes. I want to move but then I’m not ‘making the dc available’ to the said letters court granted. Dc are petrified. I have sent application off for legal aid....

Cafcass obv were involved last time and agreed he should’nt have direct contact. What are the chances of me winning in court so that he can’t write to them? I want to move house so the dc finally see safe and won’t know where we are... please don’t tell me to just ignore the letters. I can’t. He is sending them bang on monthly and when the date comes round I feel sick waiting for post. Then the text the next day about me making the dc engage with him.... I want to feel safe in my own home, I want my dc to feel safe in their own home.

What are the chances of me winning in court to stop all indirect contact too??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:00

Also what are the chances of being able to obtain a non molestation order?

OP posts:
icedaisy · 20/09/2020 15:03

I'm in Scotland so things different.

However, I would be thinking around how to feel safe with the existing order for now.

So if you were to move, but with a redirection on the mail he would not know new address but letters could still be sent as per court order.

Same if you set up and provided an email address for correspondence once a month, a receipt could be sent but the emails could sit there for if ever anyone wanted them.

Someone will be able to advise more on the English system I'm sure but indirect postbox contact, one way, once a month is minimal here certainly. For example I have seen adoptions be granted but with that level of contact from biological parents.

Again, not sure about England but here some domestic abuse services offer an address for indirect contact so that the letters go there and not to the house. Again, that might be a reasonable change.

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:06

Thank for replying @icedaisy I appreciate that. If they went somewhere else so I don’t have to deal with them and I moved house without telling him.... would I then be told I’m not ‘providing them children for one letter a month’?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:08

I basically want some assurance that he would unlikely be to come and find me/them. He followed me home once and came to the house to try to see the dc, just before I started court proceedings before.

I want to go to court and in an ideal world get no contact at all, non molestation order, get judges permission to legally change their surname, move house and then change my mobile and home phone numbers..... in reality I don’t think it will be that easy.....

OP posts:
icedaisy · 20/09/2020 15:12

Hope someone able to advise re England.

I was just thinking re short term and if you were here. Courts here are back logged something terrible. Here it wouldn't be frustrating an order as he could still write, once a month, as per order.

Hope you get sorted and someone can help.

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:19

What does the middle paragraph mean @icedaisy? I hear about the courts and yes no doubt the courts will be backlogged here in England too. What do you mean ‘it wouldn’t be ‘frustrating’?

OP posts:
Scweltish · 20/09/2020 15:22

Op, your ex being allowed to write to you doesn’t prevent you from moving house. Just move. And you don’t need to give the dc the letters

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:23

But I would have to give him the address wouldn’t I as it says I am to make the dc ‘available’ for letters? If I move and don’t tell him then they aren’t available are they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:24

I haven’t given them the last few lots due to how they reacted when the first pines turned up..... it is so detrimental to their mental health. Both been in/now having therapy, both under camhs, one on meds for anxiety....

OP posts:
Scweltish · 20/09/2020 15:38

What’s the worst he could do though op? You’re not going to get prosecuted for not giving him a forwarding address. Let him got though the trouble of taking you to court, where your children will now be old enough to make the decision that they don’t want letters off their father

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 15:41

I just don’t want to end up in trouble if he DID take me to court for breaking the court order which I think I would be doing by moving without telling him and blocking him etc.

They were both primary school when we were last at court and their views and wishes were taken into account.

OP posts:
Mollyboom · 20/09/2020 15:57

I would move- don't tell him. You can have a mail forwarding provision set up with the post office- i don't see how that is breaching the order. Ignore him and his pathetic tactics. Is he likely to take you to court? How could he if the letters are forwarded to your new address?

icedaisy · 20/09/2020 16:16

That's what I mean by frustrating order, what others have said.

So if order says he can write once a month, and you put a redirection on so he can write once a month, you are not preventing anything.

Charleyhorses · 20/09/2020 16:22

How old are they? If you move you can have post redirected for 4 years. As long as you have post redirection in place I don't see that it can be an issue.

Charleyhorses · 20/09/2020 16:23

Also, why don't you change your mobile?

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 16:27

I’m just scared of him turning up if texts don’t deliver as that is how he contacts me..,

Yes I could redirect post..,I also wish the letters would stop though. It’s really affecting my mental health.

They are early teens now.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/09/2020 18:10

Has he turned up at your house since you went to court? All you need to do is make the letters available to your dc, no need to engage with him at all.

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 18:52

No not since we went, that was before. Iv not binned the letters, iv put them away. I can’t hide the post all the time. Front door is middle of the house. If it has their name on and his handwriting they obviously will see it. That isn’t fair on them or their mental health. It’s bad enough for me having to deal with this every month. I just want him out of our lives forever. He is taunting me.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/09/2020 19:12

It was court ordered that they would get letters though, so you will need to go back to court in order to change this

Maybelle345 · 20/09/2020 20:15

If you go back to court you risk getting a judge who might decide he can have direct access. If I was in your position that is not a risk I would be willing to take. As others have suggested, move house, set up the redirect for the next 4 years. Ignore his texts. After those 4 years are up if he realises his letters are now not being received and takes you to court your children will be of an age where they can refuse contact.

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 21:06

Is it 16 or 18 that they are stopped being seen as children, in terms of the court order?

Yes I do worry about that @Maybelle345. I had the police round not long ago as I rang to ask them what was classed as harrassment (the texts) I had to give a report which I wasn’t expecting to do, an office turned up at the door. Iv never spoken to the police about him before (obv I wish I had but was too scared when it was lol happening) and he said only thing I can do is go to court... he said he can’t see how any judge would change to suddenly giving direct access especially as he hasn’t bothered for the years since court.... but that does scare me...

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/09/2020 21:25

Can you not block his phone number? I dont see the need for him to be texting you .

Maybelle345 · 20/09/2020 21:26

Courts will take serious heed to a child’s wishes once they hit around 12 because at that age if they are forced to attend contact they don’t want to they are at more risk of running away etc.

I know the letters and texts must be so horrible and a constant reminder but honestly for the sake of preventing your children having to go through either court or direct contact I’d put up with it.

Original poster
Tryingtokeepsafe · 20/09/2020 21:29

If I block he will just find ways to text from someone else’s phone, or will start ringing me from withheld numbers etc.

The courts did listen to them before and they were very young, I was suprised I got no direct contact to be honest. If he wasn’t allowed to write it would help the dc so much. They are so scared of him. Iv not long said goodnight to them and youngest says
Promise me you locked the doors? Promise me we are safe?’ Sad

OP posts:
Augustbreeze · 20/09/2020 21:32

Is he actually likely to take it to court if he doesn't hear from you or the children OP? Because that's the only way it would get to court.

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