Will & inheritance with a clause? Or disinherit?

[Strangeways19]

I have 3 adult children- one of whom is estranged by her own choice, & has children of her own. She removed herself a few years ago. I do try to write & send cards but she never responds. It's very sad, however...
Ordinarily our assets would be split 3 ways between our children. But due to the situation this doesn't seem quite right - I'm wondering if there's some sort of clause we can put in the will - for example if she agreed to attend some sort of mediation with our other grown up children, or therapy herself (we have of course over the years invited her to attend with a 3rd party with us but she won't respond). She's become involved with drugs etc and won't seek help or support - this isn't the foundation of why she's not wanting to be part of the family (this we think is due to her partner who we believe is quite controlling).

The easiest thing would be just to leave it to her children but it feels a bit wrong to not leave her anything at all, or any way of receiving anything.
I really believe that she won't rejoin the family within our lifetime.
Any ideas that would work legally? And help her &/or her children? thank you in advance.

If your love for her is unconditional you should leave her 1/3. All the rest is no use. You can favour/show your appreciation of the children who you have a relationship with during your lifetime with gifts etc but don't do it after death. They can never be friends then.

We know that she is still using because there is a linked person within her realm (although she doesn't know that this person talks to us).
Thank you for your comments it is a really difficult one but we're revising our will & it's put us in a bit of a quandry. I originally thought that we should leave it in trust for grandchildren, but then felt that's a bit unfair on DD (estranged).
But yes as someone said a lump sum would probably be squandered unless she's got herself together & split from current DP. And it would be disastrous because she's on benefits to get money as someone said she'd have to declare it & then lose her benefits.
There's also a chance that she won't want it anyway, who knows.
Definitely want to leave some to GC in trust.

@sinisterBumFacedCat well you could look at it like that or you could look at it like I'm thinking it's a real shame that they don't talk & maybe if she chose to go to meet her siblings they might just get on & reform a relationship. If an initial meeting didn't work there's no reason for them to continue meeting. But get your point on how it might be received by DD estranged. I'm not at all sure if she'd want anything from the will anyway to be honest, I really don't know. People don't have to accept money & it would mess the hell out of her benefits unless it was stipulated to only be used for certain things, and that might not even be right I'm not sure of the rules.

@Goingdownto yes DD estranged rejects all gifts we offer her.
Please don't assume that my children are treated differently in life, this is not the case. We love our DD, it's not our choice, it's actually very painful for us that she's chosen to not have anything to do with us. But we have had to accept it. Frankly I'm worried that the money will be squandered and her children will have none. We love them also even though we don't see them

@Sunshineandsparkle that is really good advice. Thank you.

Similar situation here, my sister is an alcoholic and drug addict.

The majority of her 'share' of the will is going into trust for her 4 children (all of whom have been removed from her by social services). The children can access it from age 18 explicitly for use towards further education, or if not they get it all at age 21 or 25 at the trustees discretion.

Sister has been left two significant pieces of jewellery, which will probably get sold as soon as she gets her hands on them - to be snorted up her nose or pissed up the wall.

Split it equally been all three. You're still willing to make amends by writing to her, and it will make things 1000 times worse for her when the time comes. Appreciate she's estranged but it sounds like she's had a terrible time. This won't help.

If you are loathed to leave her money, leave her share equally between her children, so it's split three ways and her children are looked after, which she will appreciate. Reading between the lines here, but if she has got into drugs you want to be careful where your money goes, so leaving to her children might make you feel better.

A horrible situation and hope you don't struggle to make your decision

I agree with those that say to split her third equally between her and her children

I would leave it to your grandchildren at age 25 or 30. In trust before then so that they can apply to the trustees to get some of the money early for e.g education.

I actually think if your love for her is unconditional you don’t enable her and feed her addiction. If your love for her is unconditional you don’t mind if she hates you for your decisions, because you made them out of love for her and her children

Leave it for your grandkids with their aunts/uncles as trustees, mature or at 25 but the trustees can release the money for education at their discretion

Also a thought - perhaps you could leave a portion of the money in trust that she can can access to use to pay for private rehab. If not it then passes to the grandchildren.

Some really good ideas which I will share with family and make decision after feedback. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this

Depending on age and stage could you leave it all to grandchildren. Hopefully this is the case in my family and my kids will inherit rather than me. We are all 50's so it's the next generation that needs a hand up. And also saves one lot of death duties.

I'd def leave it in trust for the gc with the caveat that trustees could let them have it early for education.

However I really like the pp idea that she could access the money for rehab if she wanted.

Leaving money to an addict is not a good idea. I think some of the PP have very rose-tinted glasses. I would leave some to the grand kids and a proportion to your other children to dole out if she needs it.

Ok but do your other children have children, if so it might seem a bit unfair on them that you left none to their cousins. Their parents may not necessarily pass inheritance onto them. It’s a minefield.

I also think if she is in a controlling relationship this might give her the means to leave.

My sister has been estranged for 10 years now. Doesn’t speak to any of our family. She also has a controlling partner.
My Dad has left her ‘half’ to her children. He knows if he leaves it to her her partner will take it.
My Mum has left everything to me (against my wishes) but should they reconcile before Mum passes (and she doesn’t have time to change the will) then I would give her her share, if I was also confident her partner wouldn’t take it.
It’s shit. There is no right or wrong answer, but if your DD is also into drugs and you leave her money that is exactly what the inheritance will go on.
Leave it to the children. In trust. Leave your DD a letter explaining why (which I believe you may have to do anyway if you leave her nothing, so she can’t challenge the will).

Please don't leave a lot of money to an addict, even a recovering one. This happened to a distant relative who had been clean for some time. They couldn't resist and ended up using again. If you are sure she is a drug addict then put the money into a trust for her kids, it's the safest way imo.

What kind of addict? Have you ever helped with counselling? Are you concerned about her children if she’s an addict?

I have some experience with family trusts gone horribly wrong, and I just wanted to suggest that if you do set up a trust, don't make a family member a trustee.

Find a lawyer who specialises in will trusts to help you draw up the plan and administer the trust as trustee.

Given her life choices, I would leave money for her children, held in trust until the are of a reasonable age, say 25, unless the funds are being used directly for uni.

This. I can't understand why anyone would leave money to an adict who refuses to speak to them.

I think splitting 3 ways in the hope it might make her reconcile with her siblings is fantasy.

My starting point would be not leaving money to a drug user. Is she clean - do you know?
I would be inclined to leave it in trust to her children. At least then you know they will be getting it, rather than their mum's dealer.

I say this as somebody who has a very dear friend who inherited nothing, as her father sold literally everything to fund his habit. That included family heirlooms, property and even a beautiful piano, that their GP really wanted them to have!