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Original poster

Will & inheritance with a clause? Or disinherit?

48 replies

Strangeways19 · 29/08/2020 19:54

I have 3 adult children- one of whom is estranged by her own choice, & has children of her own. She removed herself a few years ago. I do try to write & send cards but she never responds. It's very sad, however...
Ordinarily our assets would be split 3 ways between our children. But due to the situation this doesn't seem quite right - I'm wondering if there's some sort of clause we can put in the will - for example if she agreed to attend some sort of mediation with our other grown up children, or therapy herself (we have of course over the years invited her to attend with a 3rd party with us but she won't respond). She's become involved with drugs etc and won't seek help or support - this isn't the foundation of why she's not wanting to be part of the family (this we think is due to her partner who we believe is quite controlling).

The easiest thing would be just to leave it to her children but it feels a bit wrong to not leave her anything at all, or any way of receiving anything.
I really believe that she won't rejoin the family within our lifetime.
Any ideas that would work legally? And help her &/or her children? thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Sunshineandsparkle · 29/08/2020 20:03

Inheritance is always a tricky one. You need to make a decision as to whether you can make peace with not having a relationship with her and hope that one day she reunites with her siblings. If you leave the money to just her siblings, she’ll resent them and it will drive a wedge between them that will never be fixed. It is your money to do with as you please, but a compromise could be to split your estranged daughters third equally between her and her children. This way, she’ll get a portion of the inheritance and will know that her children haven’t been forgotten or left out. She may deem this unfair of you, but as her family would have received an equal amount, she won’t hold her siblings responsible. This is something that happened in our family and it seemed to work well. Good luck with your decision, it’s not an easy one.

Bagelsandbrie · 29/08/2020 20:04

I would still split 3 ways. I think otherwise you are setting up more long term resentment between everyone.

FATEdestiny · 29/08/2020 20:08

If you don't split 3 ways the legacy you leave behind will be that of bitterness and divide.

You can't expect to force a relationship through a Will clause either.

So either split 3 ways fairly. Or choose not to and accept things as they will be.

Jeremyironsnothing · 29/08/2020 20:11

@Sunshineandsparkle

Inheritance is always a tricky one. You need to make a decision as to whether you can make peace with not having a relationship with her and hope that one day she reunites with her siblings. If you leave the money to just her siblings, she’ll resent them and it will drive a wedge between them that will never be fixed. It is your money to do with as you please, but a compromise could be to split your estranged daughters third equally between her and her children. This way, she’ll get a portion of the inheritance and will know that her children haven’t been forgotten or left out. She may deem this unfair of you, but as her family would have received an equal amount, she won’t hold her siblings responsible. This is something that happened in our family and it seemed to work well. Good luck with your decision, it’s not an easy one.
This.
Chameleon2003 · 29/08/2020 20:12

Could her share go into trust for her children to receive when they are - say 25?

RandomTree · 29/08/2020 20:15

Personally I would split it equally between your three children.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2020 20:16

You can't force someone to attend therapy through a clause in your will. That's ridiculous and unreasonable. You either leave her money or you don't, but whatever you decide needs to be spelled out explicitly in your will.

Given her life choices, I would leave money for her children, held in trust until the are of a reasonable age, say 25, unless the funds are being used directly for uni.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2020 20:18

If your daughter is a drug addict, her children won't see a dime of it if that money is left to your daughter.

felineflutter · 29/08/2020 20:19

Split equally between all.

AbbieFB · 29/08/2020 20:20

I would split it three ways but the third that your estranged daughter gets I would further split 4 ways, her and her 3 children (to receive at age 21). I wouldn't want to exclude her but neither would I want the inheritance being used for drugs or potentially taken by a controlling partner.

I would also leave her a letter explaining why you took the decision.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/08/2020 20:20

My only caveat to 'leave inheritance equally' is NEVER leave money to an addict (particularly one who has dependant children)

emelsie · 29/08/2020 20:25

As others had said if there is addiction involved I would bypass her and leave the money to her children.

VettiyaIruken · 29/08/2020 20:28

Leave it to her and you may as well hand it straight to her dealer

It would be best to leave her share directly to her children that will be invested then given to them when they are 25.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 29/08/2020 20:28

Either split it equally with no ridiculous caveats or don't leace her a bit. I'm estranged from my mother. Her perspective is very different to mine but she often tells people I'm troubled, unhinged etc. If she left me an inheritance with those conditions I'd assume it was her taking her last opportunity to mess with me.

MillyMollyFarmer · 29/08/2020 20:29

Wow, controlling from beyond! A clause for counselling is extremely passive aggressive and a horrible message to send after you go. Leave it to all your children equally, or leave a terrible legacy for your family.

im5050 · 29/08/2020 20:32

I would take it one step further and state that it has to be used for a house deposit , education, driving lessons depending on the amount and I wouldn’t let them access it till they are at least 21 possibly 25 years old .

Because your daughter may guilt trip her kids into giving it to them once they inherit it .
Make it a trust of some sort with your other children trustees
Also if your daughter is a drug addict on benefits then any inheritance could be disastrous for her in getting a large amount of money , losing her benefit because of inheritance amount and everything spiralling out of control

InescapableDeath · 29/08/2020 20:34

You’ll be dead so you’ll gain no satisfaction from punishing her with an unequal split.

Be fair and split it three ways.

Farahilda · 29/08/2020 20:36

I would leave her share directly to her DC, in trust for them until age 25, nominating your other 2 DC and a neutral 3rd party (or just the 3rd party) as trustees. I suggest including the other DC because it means the DGC have to some contact with their aunts/uncles - but this might backfire if their mother sees that as controlling on your part and badmouths it. I'd take that risk, because it gives a opportunity of building positive communication, but you might know there are factors which means it wouldn't stand a chance and so wouid be better swerved

You can revise the will if she splits up with the partner you think is at the root of thus.

ivykaty44 · 29/08/2020 20:39

how about you leave some money for a meal out for all your dc at a particular restaurant, or afternoon tea at clarifies (or similar) for all three siblings, hopefully they'd all attend and be a chance to see if they want a relationship

but don't start stipulating from beyond the grave for a child to have therapy if they are to inherit - thats controlling

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2020 20:45

Leave her share in trust for her DC. They haven’t done anything wrong and their lives will be hard enough having a parent whose an addict.

If you’ve been NC for a while how are you sure she’s still on drugs?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2020 20:52

Leaving money to someone who you know is in the throes of addiction is simply irresponsible.

unmarkedbythat · 29/08/2020 20:56

I'd split her third between her and her children, I think. Very sad situation for you all. I don't think conditional inheritances are a good idea and enforced mediation/ therapy can't work.

Meredusoleil · 29/08/2020 20:59

Like pp said, I would just leave her share in trust for her children until they are 18+. It's not their fault their mum is a drug addict. They have done nothing wrong here and should not lose out just because of their mum.

If all your children are now adults and have their own children, I personally would put all your assets in the grandchildren's names to be held in trust until they are 18 + and to be shared equally between them.

That, imho, is the fairest way to not penalise anyone because of the relationship their parents have (or don't have) with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2020 21:17

It’s not clear she is still taking drugs. How would OP know as they have no contact?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/08/2020 21:27

So you are trying to control your daughter from beyond the grave, nice. Split it 3 ways. I am very saddened by how people use their money to punish their children, it’s a spectacularly unkind way to treat your actual babies.

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