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Original poster

Any solicitors here? Need urgent advice re domestic abuse situation?

32 replies

Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 16:26

So I am divorced and have dc with ex. He was abusive. I went through the court and cafcass a while back and the court ordered no direct contact but he could write to the dc once a month. He never wrote to them. Last month decided he’s going to start writing to them. I said no, they don’t want to hear from you leave us alone. He did I anyway, I decided kids (both secondary age) were old enough to decide if they wanted to read it, they both did and got very upset. Dc all have SN and mental health problems (because of him) and under camhs and in therapy. It has pushed them over the edge. I told him do not write again they want nothing from you, he’s written again.

I’m awaiting for a call back about legal aid as I had that through the court process but I’m not holding my breath this time. I can’t afford a solicitor. Does this count as harrasment now and can I go to the police for them to be involved? Dc want to move house so he doesn’t know where they are but they isn’t the solution....

Iv tried ringing women’s aid but they are too busy to take any more calls so will keep trying them. Citizens advice no help, just said ring women’s aid....

Would really appreciate someone who is legal who knows the law about this?

OP posts:
Hothammock · 19/08/2020 16:27

Can't you just put the letters in a box somewhere

minnieok · 19/08/2020 16:31

As the court said he could write once a month then he's allowed, the court didn't say they have to read them. Put them in a box and allow them to read them if they want but tell them they are allowed to just leave them unopened if they prefer. If they want to burn them unopened that's their choice

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 16:32

Unless court ordered they read them Yabu to have allowed it..
Box them up until they are 18.
They can then bin the unread if they wish.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 16:37

So you think 4 years later is ok to decide writing letters to them? Cafcas said they think no contact at all.

Why should I have to deal with this every month. Waiting on edge knowing the next one is coming. I’m sick of his games. He doesn’t care about them one bit. It’s about control because he still can’t get over the fact I actually got the courage to leave.

Why am I unreasonable to have let the kids read the letters.... yet it appears I’m unreasonable to want him to leave us alone for good?

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 19/08/2020 16:43

You’re being a bit ridiculous tbh OP. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be on edge waiting for a letter no-one has to read. Like others have said- just put the letters away somewhere.

ClamDango · 19/08/2020 16:44

Can you have letters addressed to dc re-directed to a family member. Talk to dc and suggest this and they can open them later if they want to or bin them if they want.

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 16:50

You said Cafcass said he could write once a month.. They didn't say the dc had to read them. You decided that.. Be grateful you can shove a letter in a box.
Some people have to hand over real life dc to abusers as per court orders.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 16:51

@Smallsteps88 you clearly haven’t been at the hands of an abuser then. He abused me for many many years in ways you can only imagine. He then abused my children who are suicidal because of him. Yeah i can really see how I am ridiculous.

@ClamDango yes that is a good idea. I have spoken to them and asked what they want me to do with any others that came.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 16:52

@Sunnydaysandsalad yes I am aware that that happens and I can’t put into words how I feel about that. It very rarely happens that a court says no direct contact, which I think gives an idea of how bad he is.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 16:53

Given your dc already have issues letting them decide may give them feelings of guilt towards their df...
Imo as the adult you get to decide. Keeping them boxed until 18 is my advice.
You as the parent get to take control of the situation..

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 16:57

Yes I have already told them that I will put any subsequent letters away for them to decide what to do with. I hate having to lie to them. He knows where they live and they can’t sleep, they are on medication. I hate that each month (even if I am boxing away) having to see his handwriting and knowing exactly what it is and the thoughts and memories all come flooding back each and every month isn’t fair. I haven’t just been to court, he hasn’t bothered for years and years

OP posts:
ramblingsonthego · 19/08/2020 17:02

I am so sorry you have been through all this. It is truly horrendous.

If the court has ordered he can write once a month, unless you go back to court and get the order changed you can't say no he shouldn't write and it wouldn't be classed as harassment as he is following the court order. If you want the letters to stop you need to go back to court and get the order changed. All I will say is be careful that it doesn't then open the door for him to ask for more access than letters and you will be worse off than you are now.

I would just ignore the letters that come through the door and put them away for a time when your children are older and have the ability to deal with them.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 17:04

@ramblingsonthego that’s what I’m worried about... although dc are that much older so the court order won’t be valid forever.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 19/08/2020 17:41

With his record so far it is unlikely that he would get more contact if you went to court.

When the court ordered indirect contact it was clearly the intention that the letters should get through. If you put the letters in a box and he finds out he might try to get the order enforced. I'm not saying he would succeed but you need to be careful.

Your best course in my view is to go back to court and get the order varied. Your children's wishes would be a major factor in the court's decision.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 17:53

@prh47bridge I would go back to court if it meant he has to stop this. If he genuinely was just a bad husband but a half decent dad I wouldn’t get in the way, but he is VILE and lied in court. Despite the fact there were witnesses and police info etc on the type of person he is.

The trouble is the cost of going to court.... I can pay the initial fee for the paperwork but could not afford someone to represent me which I would absolutely have to have as I could not sit there in court without someone to help me.../

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 17:53

@prh47bridge surely the only ‘variation’ is no direct contact either so no contact whatsoever?

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 19/08/2020 18:03

You would indeed be asking the court to vary the order so that there was no contact.

If there was domestic abuse you may be entitled to legal aid.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 19/08/2020 18:10

I had legal aid before. I spoke to a legal aid solicitor today who said I have to fill out a form (waiting for a phone apt) to apply for it as criteria has changed but wouldn’t tell me what the criteria now is... I’m guessing down to money as they want 3 months bank statements..

OP posts:
Sunshine275 · 22/08/2020 19:55

You really can’t say things like this, you obviously have no idea what it’s like to live your life controlled by someone who uses your kids to still abuse you. I have severe anxiety because of nasty letters I use to get from ex expecting them to come. Don’t comment unless you understand control and abuse.

Sunshine275 · 22/08/2020 19:57

@Whatisthename can I just ask what your ex did/evidence you had so cafcass decided no contact?

My daughter has said my ex has assaulted her. I have text evidence of admitting controlling behaviour towards me, along with threats to kill people, alcoholism etc. I’m wondering if this would be enough for cafcass to not let him see child. He’s a risk.

Rae36 · 22/08/2020 20:04

I would put the letters away in a box. I wouldn't go back to court, you don't need that sort of stress in your life.
Put them away, or give them to someone else to keep for you if you don't want them in your house. I know seeing them is stressful but going back to court to try to stop him would be a whole lot worse and there's a chance, however small, that it wouldn't give you the outcome you are hoping for, and you deserve.
Every time a letter arrives pass it on to someone to keep for the kids and remind yourself what an amazing woman you are to have freed yourself from him.
I'm sorry he has decided to reappear in your lives. That's really shit for you all.

prh47bridge · 22/08/2020 20:50

You really can’t say things like this

Who are you addressing? Most of the people on this thread have tried to help.

I would put the letters away in a box

If the OP simply puts the letters in a box she will be frustrating contact - there will be no contact rather than the indirect contact ordered by the court. If her ex found out he could take her back to court and ask for the order to be enforced. It is, of course, possible he would never find out but if he did it may not go well for the OP. As per my earlier posts, I would strongly recommend going back to court and asking for the order to be varied. Given his record, the worst that is likely to happen is that the court decides to stick with the current order. However, given that he has had no contact for 4 years and the children are now of secondary school age, there is a very good chance the OP would be able to get contact stopped completely. Then there would be no letters for her to deal with and she wouldn't have possible enforcement action hanging over her head.

I agree that going back to court will be stressful but I think it is the best thing for the OP. If she gets contact stopped and he continues to write she can take action for harassment.

Original poster
Whatisthename · 22/08/2020 21:32

@Sunshine275 agreed! I don’t want to type what happened but it is very rare for a judge to give no direct contact, even with abusive parent, it’s usually don’t contact centre apparently. The one tip I would give is to go to the police to report it. It also depends on the child’s age. Cafcass interview you as well as the children and they do listen to the children.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 22/08/2020 22:56

It is perhaps not as rare as you think. You certainly have a good case for no contact at all.

My daughter has said my ex has assaulted her. I have text evidence of admitting controlling behaviour towards me, along with threats to kill people, alcoholism etc. I’m wondering if this would be enough for cafcass to not let him see child. He’s a risk.

Sorry - missed this earlier. The decision is not up to Cafcass. They simply make a recommendation. However, if the court accepts that he is or may be a risk to your child the most he would get is supervised contact. Depending on the evidence, he may get no contact at all, direct or indirect.

Sunshine275 · 23/08/2020 05:02

@prh47bridge sorry I thought I’d tagged the person, I meant small steps and their comment higher up.

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