2 Schools using Excessive means to see unwilling mother..

[Kieishere]

I am writing this on behalf of my sister who needs help with 2 schools currently causing stress and anxiety for the past month or so to my sister so let me explain in short what this case is and if anyone can help her with any advice.

Sister has 5 children, 1 goes to Abby school 1 goes to comprehensive and 2 are under 4 years old and 1 is 17 at college.

Abby school was asking to see the mother (my sister) who suffers from Anxiety and has the father do all the talking but the Abby School was insisting they want to see the mother multiple times for no real reason other then to just want to speak to her but being told that the Father will deal with it.

Now this Abby school got in touch with the Comprehensive school that 1 child goes to took the child into an office and spoke to her for 30 minutes asking questions such as.

Why do you have high fences, why does your mum not answer, why do you have CCTV, and the usual are you safe at home ect ect.

There is no safe guarding concerns, there is nothing to suggest otherwise.

A few days later a police officer comes to the house claiming the schools have reported my sister as a missing person..
The Father let the police officer inside and saw and spoke to the mother (my sister) and she explained she leaves the father to the schooling.
Police was happy and left with no issues..

A week later..
Now today my sister rings me today having an anxiety attack as 2 people that claimed they were serviced from the council? said they are not social workers they are here to offer help and they took notes of the house and other details.
They Claimed that they have not seen the 1 child that goes to Comprehensive school provable lie as she attends school every Tuesday, but they were not wanting to see said child again asking about the mother.

The father told them today that the mother suffers from Anxiety and the stress both schools are causing alarm and distress to her they replied that you have nothing to worry about.

Now i have tried to be reasonable and tell my sister they are just making sure everything is safe even though excessive both schools are talking to eachother trying to see the mother and we have no idea what to expect next as all my sister wants is to be left alone.

My sisters anxiety is too much for them to keep pestering her and now is constantly worrying about what will happen next.

Is there any advice on this? Should my sister just keep having the father keep doing the same thing? My sister cannot see them or speak to them without her Anxiety attacks.

Sounds as if the schools are concerned that this may be a dv relationship with the father keeping the mother away from everybody. They are correctly acting on safeguarding concerns that they have. The best thing you can do is enable your sister to communicate effectively with the school. Try to reach a compromise. Could they visit her at home? Or email or speak to her at home. Once they're reassured that she's not being forced to stay at home by her dh then they will back off.

Yeah, this is absolutely about them being concerned your sister is a DV victim. Especially if the home is surrounded by high fences and CCTV (!!!) there would absolutely be safeguarding concerns around the whole family.

It's not really relevant but what is Abby School, it is a private school?

Is your sister seeing a Dr or counsellor about her anxiety? It seems as if the schools are just trying to do a welfare check so a letter or phone call from someone who understands her might help.

Wow - do you not see that this is really unusual.... very few people live like this and there should (rightly) be concerns raised.

Sounds like they are worried whether she is alive.... That's good isn't it?

You need to give your head a wobble, my DH rarely engages with the school yet we don't have this, why? because there are no other concerns. Even in what you have written this is sounding a really weird setup. There is no wonder red flags are being raised right left and centre!

Sod the school I would have concerns about your sister. Having her DH do all the talking and living behind high walls is not healthy.

They are right to be concerned and to check she isn’t in danger, and actually he should be pretty pissed off he now looks controlling. It also can’t possibly be good for the kids MH?

You should be encouraging her to engage with SS and seek help with such extreme anxiety.

Does your sister communicate with people in other areas of her life?? Family, friends, work etc?

If it's anxiety around speaking to school or strangers can she explain that to them in an email?

I think the school have done the right thing, tbh. It sounds like they had serious safeguarding concerns and, regardless of whether they are right in those concerns, they have a duty to pursue it until they are satisfied that the family is safe.

You know your sister and family but from an outsider view it look like she needs help. High fences, cctv and not talking to school makes it seem like she could be a prisoner of her h.
Does your sister have a medical contact who can advocate for her and explain to the school that she's being monitored?

Sounds like Safeguarding. Is your dsis being controlled or her anxiety exacerbated by her situation? Were they checking on her or her dc?

Do you feel her anxiety has got worse during lockdown? Has she always not communicated with the schools and left it to the father?
Maybe they are concerned that her condition is causing concerns for her children?

Dd's school barely see dh from one parents evening to the next, hopefully they don't think he is under the patio. It sounds as if they now have got it in their heads now and are determined to investigate. A call from a medical person might help.

Who were the two people who have visited? Were they from children's/social services?

What about the two little ones, do they go to nursery? Does your BIL work? If so, who deals with drop offs/pick ups?

I think the schools have some legitimate concerns.

Wait what?

Is the child at the comp school only there on a Tuesday? Why one day a week?

The way your sister lives doesn’t sound healthy at all, but I would suggest something else must have happened to make it a safeguarding issue.

By Abbey School do you mean the private school in Reading?
If so your post is a) potentially outing and b) definitely misguided. The school have a duty of care to their students; given the student body they will be well used to houses with security. This will have been triggered by something else- possibly that your niece has said/ disclosed- in which case your first concern should be finding out what is happening in your sisters home, and how you can help her and your nieces/nephews.

also is your sister receiving mental health support from professionals? Anxiety attacks so frequently and easily triggered is hugely concerning.

Is the child at the comp school only there on a Tuesday? Why one day a week?
Presumably she's y10 or y12

Is the child at the comp school only there on a Tuesday? Why one day a week?

Presumably because of covid. My nephew was only going into school one day a week.

As others have said it is good to see the schools taking an interest in the family's welfare and being proactive. As you have described the situation it does sound 'different' and would raise alarm bells for many. Living in the environment as described may be having an impact on the children in school. How are the children, do they interact with others outside the family, have play dates, play games or partake in other activities outside school?

Can your sister get a letter from go to school (keep a copy) explaining severe stress anxiety etc and not comfortable in these situations so dad will deal ( or to that effect)
Don’t think sister should worry. Sounds like schools are on top of things if they have managed to get some action take here - for all they know your sister could have been kept locked up gagged in a cupboard.... no harm done. Maybe they can help your sister with her anxieties? They just need to make sure everyone’s safe. Good in them I say!

The schools have acted appropriately. Something one of the children has said will have triggered an investigation, and the high fences, CCTV and not answering the phone to the schools are other red flags. OP, do you think your sister’s husband is abusive?

There are two The Abbey Primary Schools near me, so I doubt it's particularly outing!
However, I agree, the schools are concerned about your sister's wellbeing.
I do hope she's ok. I know she has anxiety, but that can be exacerbated by being in a relationship that isn't healthy.
Please look out for her.

Is your sisters anxiety new or selectively with dealing with schools? Is she ok with other professionals she has had to deal with in the past Drs, midwives, health visitors? Is she seeing a Dr?

Such extreme anxiety will have a detrimental impact on her children, it is right for the school and other services to be concerned, it is about her children not her. Can she talk to them in her home with her dh present for support?

I’m guessing that your sister and bil have taken the ‘it’s nobodies business approach’ rather than just explaining confidentially what the family set-up is. When you say the school were asking your sister to contact them multiple times for no good reason it suggests that the school were acting unreasonably. Is she able to take care of the children? It sounds like a really difficult situation, especially for the children. Parents need to engage with their children’s school, it’s just how it is.

From what you have written I would have serious safeguarding concerns, it may not be the case but the husband doing all the talking combined with high walls seats alarm bells ringing.

Is the child at the comp school only there on a Tuesday? Why one day a week

My 15 year old is only in once a week, today was her last day in yr 10. So that is normal right now.
It sounds like safeguarding to me too. However they are starting to cross a line and harass this poor woman.
However OP If she is socially fine with her family, does she see your parents, other siblings, etc?
They have had the Police and council say she's fine why won't they accept that the Dad does the school stuff.
No one saw my Dh in years when my older kids were in school and Dd's high school have never met him. He is alive and well, not being abused and not under the patio. No one bats an eyelid at that.