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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Ex husband smacking "a lot"

30 replies

DogGoneCrazyNow · 15/04/2020 02:46

Just found out that my youngest is wetting the bed frequently at his dad's house and is smacked "a lot for being very naughty". He told me this and then I questioned his older brother separately (not with pressure just in conversation when talking about time out and how we handle misbehaviour). They're 4&7. They're both very different and my ex has always struggled with youngest (basically just wants to play computer games and eldest is more into this).

Ex was coercive and controlling, had to get an occupation order and a non molestation order. He was arrested but not charged due to lack of evidence. I have a contact order every other weekend plus half holidays. I did recently try mediation again as I'm concerned about his ongoing attitude but he refused. If I just say "I'm filing to court to amend the order because I'm concerned about the hitting" and refuse contact in the meantime am I likely to get in trouble? I really can't stand the idea of my tiny child being hit all the time. It's monstrous. I'm waiting for a call back from an advice line too.

OP posts:

Spearmintgreen · 15/04/2020 03:11

I am so sorry to read this. Your ex is not only being terribly abusive he is breaking the law.

Spearmintgreen · 15/04/2020 03:12

Where are your children now?

Original poster

DogGoneCrazyNow · 15/04/2020 03:19

They're here with me, they're supposed to go to him Friday for the weekend. I don't want them to go (obviously!), I just don't want to end up in trouble either. I guess I want to know the best legal way to protect them.

OP posts:

Spearmintgreen · 15/04/2020 03:44

I am really sorry, I will try and find some information.

Pixxie7 · 15/04/2020 04:22

Surely with the lockdown he should be staying in the same house. Sadly if this in the England he is not breaking the law.

Spearmintgreen · 15/04/2020 06:23

Who is not breaking the law?

BrooHaHa · 15/04/2020 06:28

Who is not breaking the law?

Smacking is not illegal in England. You can't legally leave a mark though, IIRC (always struck me as a weird law- fairer kids are likely to have skin reddening with any smacking and so would be protected under that law, but kids who don't go red as easily would not? Bit bizarre).

madcatladyforever · 15/04/2020 06:43

Keep the kids at home and go to court. You cannot allow it. I did this and my ex was not allowed to see DS until he was 18. It was bloody inconvenient as I needed shared custody so I could afford to go to work but the children's interests come first.

Original poster

DogGoneCrazyNow · 15/04/2020 07:41

Sadly the government made it clear that children of seperated parents can move between homes during lockdown. But yeah, I can't see any option but to keep them here. I can't stand the thought of them hurt!

OP posts:

Babyfg · 15/04/2020 07:49

If he's only wetting the bed at his dads house I think it's shows your child isn't happy there and going to his dads house is a trauma (whereas if he was wetting the bed at your house as well it would be more likely he has a bed wetting problem iyswim). I think you can be justified in saying you don't want him being emotionally abused (if the legal advice tells you it's ok he's being hit because there's no marks being left).

If all else fails say he's coughing so you have to keep him home. It's such a horrible situation for you that you can't just say you're abusing my child and I won't let it continue because of the law 😢

HeyDuggeewhatchadoin · 15/04/2020 07:50

Could you call Childline for advice? I think I've heard of adults doing this before. It is abuse.

catcatcatcat · 15/04/2020 08:01

I have used a solicitor for this.

It might be legal but courts take a dim view on it.

I would do 2 things. 1 call your local council safeguarding reporting line. Means it's reported if you need it in the future & they give good advice.

Have a think about whether you actually want your son going. Can you get 30mins with a solicitor? If mediation didn't work I would start doing something "proper".

Ginger1982 · 15/04/2020 08:03

I would withhold contact. Let him take you to court to enforce the order. If he is striking your son then it is not in his best interests to have contact at the moment.

TeddyIsaHe · 15/04/2020 08:11

Say that you have had a fever so your household needs to isolate for 14 days now. This will give you some time to get in touch with a solicitor or a safeguarding person to find out where you stand.

The bedwetting for me is a massive sign that your youngest is not happy, comfortable or safe being at his father’s. That alone would be enough for me to stop contact.

Document EVERYTHING. Dates, times, what your children have said and when. Keep any emails, or texts and have all conversations with your ex via email or text so you have a paper trail.

CalleighDoodle · 15/04/2020 08:18

Do what catcatcatcat said. First thing this morning make that phone call. You need a trail.

Original poster

DogGoneCrazyNow · 15/04/2020 08:20

Actually that's a good idea regarding fever, I might do that, try and buy some time. I've called the NSPCC and they're calling back. I'm also going to call my work solicitor which I get thirty minutes free with.

We have a support worker through school, so hoping to talk to her too (early help hub). Might call children's services too.

OP posts:

mooching · 15/04/2020 08:21

The law in the uk re smacking is only if you make a mark sadly. Document everything and speak to childline for their advice. I would also speak to the DSL at school. They will support you and good to have ex on their radar.

It is telling him he's naughty for wetting the bed as well that makes the abuse increase more. Definitely do not let this rest though.

mooching · 15/04/2020 08:22

Definitely speak to you early help support worker.

You are doing the right thing.

Hannah021 · 15/04/2020 08:22

You need a proper advice, im not sure MN is the right place
what if u keep the children after the court order and he uses it against u for more time with the kids? If as one of the poster said isnt illegal to smack, then i wouldnt stop them going to keep my pages clear, and still go to court. Have an indirect conversation with the younger, and see how he feels. The children may need u more now, they'll likely need their father in the future, and if he fully gives up on them, they'll be hurt long term.

Plz seek proper advice from ppl who deal with these issues on daily basis... They'll be able to reflect on short and long term impact.

Zinniasout · 15/04/2020 08:23

Lie. Say you have mild symptoms and are self-isolating for three weeks to be on the safe side. Use this time to get advice. No child should ever be smacked for wetting the bed. That makes my blood boil.

AnnaFiveTowns · 15/04/2020 08:24

I'm a former family solicitor although I've not been in practice for 15 years. In these circumstances I would not allow any further contact and ask for the matter to go back to court. You have genuine concerns about the emotional wellbeing of your child; it is clear that your son is distressed if he is wetting the bed; the child's welfare is paramount in family cases and I cannot see any judge thinking that you have been unreasonable to withhold contact in these circumstances.

AnnaFiveTowns · 15/04/2020 08:27

You need to get advice from a local solicitor that specialises in family law. But in the meantime keep your children safe at home. As a PP said, maybe lie and say you need to self isolate in order to buy yourself some time to see a solicitor.

TiredofSM · 15/04/2020 08:36

Wait until Thursday evening and tell him you have a fever.
That buys you 14 days to get more advice.
Sorry, it’s a shit situation for you all.

Original poster

DogGoneCrazyNow · 15/04/2020 08:50

That's the thing, I'm worried if I stop contact he'll get more later and that will be worse. But I don't want them to go either! I might try and buy some time like you've suggested if I don't get any advice before the weekend.

OP posts:

onlinelinda · 15/04/2020 11:07

This article is not directly relevant to you, but it makes clear that the domestic abuse helpline has various potential situations in mind so you could call them

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/apr/14/uk-cinderella-domestic-abuse-female-family-members

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