Will I have to discuss my abuse in this court case? Grandparent application to court for contact with my children

[killahqueen123456789]

I was sexually abused in childhood, my parents were neglectful and exposed me to a lot of risk, which is a big part of how I came to be abused.

My father was also a bit of a pervert - more in words although there were groping 'games'.

To external observers my parents are Mr and Mrs Respectable. Big house, impressive career, well educated etc.

They are asking to have my children overnight in school holidays. We will fight this in court.

I have had a lot of therapy over what happened to me, which was hideous to go through. Really, really awful. I feel I have put it behind me now, and the idea of raking it over in a family court has just pushed me to the brink of tolerance.

Can anyone tell me if I will be required to make testimony about my abuse in family court in order to explain why we do not want my parents to have contact with my children?

It is not in my children's best interest to force their traumatised mother to relive this in courtroom (exactly the reason I've never brought criminal charges, I could not bear to have it all picked over publicly).

I know access is not granted in cases of abuse/violence but how do I prove the abuse?

This is destroying me. I've spent the last few years putting myself back together after facing up to all of this stuff and now I've got people dragging it all back up again. Any advice on quite how awful this is going to be would be really appreciated.

What sort of contact do they have with your kids at the moment?

They have no contact with them at the moment. Have not seen them for several years.

Then courts probably wont change that "grandparents rights" usually get invoked with a previous relationship

My understanding in that case is they have no rights. So it should be just kicked out.

Did you report them? I would do it now if not

Thanks.

I'm not looking for advice on the outcome, I know they are unlikely to win.

I am trying to discover the likelihood that I will have to relay my abuse in the courtroom. If that is the case then I need to find some money for therapy again because I know that that is likely to retraumatise me beyond belief if that is the outcome (if you've ever been raped in childhood you will understand how appalling that concept is).

No, I've never reported them. It is is a considered decision on my part. I cannot prove it and I don't want to start a criminal process which will involve me having to give a statement going over the whole lot of it again, which will result in a criminal investigation that goes nowhere but puts me through hell in the process.

I appreciate the supportive posts around outcome etc, is anybody able to give insight into the question regarding what will be expected of me at court?

I have no experience of family courts, I know the burden of proof is lower as it's a civil court but will I still be required to give testimony about what happened to me?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please don't try to deal with all of this on your own.
I'm a survivor also.
I'd suggest that you get in touch with an organisation called NAPAC who can help support you. They will also help with contacts for proper legal advice for you in this situation.
Here's the clicky link.
napac.org.uk/

Ime spilling all will dead cert your case.
Worth it imo.
My exh raped me. I never reported it. Fought for 4 years to keep him from my dc. If I had disclosed his true self in our case it would have ended things sooner imo.
Sorry that was your life op. Use it to guarantee the safety long term of your dc.

Thank you, it's really kind of people to post I appreciate it.

I will look at napacs, thanks for advice.

Whyno, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. My parents still have my abuser in their lives, he wanders in and out of their home. I will go to prison rather than give them access to my DC.

My parents just say I'm mad / making it all up. I do have a couple of people from the past who witnessed some of this stuff (physical abuse, sexual inappropriateness but obviously not the assaults).

It sounds as though I'm just going to have to grit my teeth and talk about it.

It feels unbelievable that they can force me through this out of their 'love' for my children. I am my children's primary caregiver, they need me healthy and happy not freaking out about this.

Also fazakerly and whyno I'm sorry to hear of your experiences too :(

killahqueen lovely of you to think of us also. I really understand that you don't want to go through what happened to you in detail in a family court.
You are not the guilty party here, you have done nothing wrong.

I hope that you manage to speak to NAPAC, sometimes it's difficult to get through straight away, don't be put off. They don't ask for your story - unless you want to tell it.
Otherwise Women's Aid or Rape Crisis can signpost you to the right adviser.
It might take a while, but I'm sure you'll get some good advice here too. Keeping you in my heart and thoughts x

Ime once a case begins you gain inner strength... Your protective instinct and utter devotion to your dc. It makes you tougher than you imagined you could be.
You can and will do this op.

Honestly you will.

I may be in a different jurisdiction but I used to be a family lawyer and I can't see this getting anywhere near a proof where you would have to give evidence. Here, it would most likely be dismissed at a much earlier stage. Your reasons for refusal would form part of the pleadings in writing however. If there is no prior relationship then I can't see this getting very far.

It's very unlikely that it'll get to court anyway. They have to get permission just to apply to the court for a court order and if they have no pre-existing relationship they almost certainly won't get that. So you probably won't need to give evidence at all about anything.

Thank you.

They did have a relationship up until 2015 although it was never consistent as from a long distance (parents lived in another country at the time). So sporadic contact.

So, there was a pre-existing relationship but after I finally had all of this stuff out with them they essentially disowned me and terminated their relationship with me.

I asked them to come to family therapy so that I could describe the impact that all of this had on me but they always refused to discuss any of it with me.

Thank you for practical advice etc I have literally no idea what family court involves. I don't know what it means that there are hearings before a hearing etc.

I know that they have applied for permission to take us to court (they have advised us of this) but I don't know what that actually means practically.

As in, do we get asked what our objections are at this stage? Do we have to prove them? How? Are witness statements enough?

I've been happily married for 20 years (DH in agreement he wants my parents nowhere near the dc) I have no clue about what family courts involve and that is part of what is scaring me.

Imo' gps rights'-which aren't a legal right - can be implicated if the gps have had unsupervised and overnight regular contact. And it is in the best interests of the dc.
From what you say none of that applies here. Good luck op.
Heartfelt best wishes with this.

They don't have a chance.

If I were you I'd let it go to court and I'd write it all down. If it has to be read out I would ask for someone else to read it - a court official or a solicitor or your husband or a friend - saying that you cannot bear to read it out loud.

You poor thing. They sound unhinged - I hope the judge wipes the floor with them.

Thank you, this is all helping.

They are very rich. We will need to get a loan to fight this - DH is on a low income and I have disabilities that make it hard for me to work.

Part of what is worrying me is the money - we could take a loan to fight the court case, but there will be none left over for me to go through private therapy again. DH and I threw everything financially at me recovering from PTSD - and I did.

I can't risk going through it again.

I don't think they will be allowed to take it to court from the contact history you describe. I wish I could offer more practical support. Take care.

Have you actually had anything official come through from the courts that this is happening, or do you just have their word for it?

I'm not sure it will even get to court tbh, they have no legal right, or PR for your children.

If, by some means, they get it to family court make sure you get a solicitor and seek legal advice. I don't know where you stand re historical abuse and discussing this

Maybe getting it all out will be therapy in itself op...

Thank you, I think I need to scrape together some money and get an appt with a solicitor.

Whyno, I totally appreciate your support but I really don't think it will be therapy in itself. It was hard enough reliving being 9 and being raped multiple times by a relative in therapy (with accompanying child voice) - I had to make my therapist turn their chair around so they couldn't see me and even then I felt very close to suicidal afterwards.

I really, really do not having it in me to so it all over again in a courtroom. I cannot do it.