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Original poster

My DC have disclosed physical and emotional abuse when visiting exH, what happens now?

54 replies

Finals1234 · 04/11/2019 09:19

My DD3 (age 7) told school she is scared of dad on her visits to him, and he hits her and her sisters. DD2 (age 10) was then also questioned and corroborated the story. DD1 (age 12) is at high-school, and although she hasn't been hit she is scared of him.

Police and social workers have come to talk to them at home - police want to question him and potentially charge him, but if he denies or states no comment then the case will be dropped. So they have asked if I would allow the children to give video evidence instead.

DDs are scared of him and don't want him to know they have raised a complaint - they say they would prefer he carries on as before (hitting, emotional abuse) rather than him knowing they have said this about him, especially as he is sometimes nice so the situation is confusing for them.

Social worker is more concerned/concentrated on the emotional impact and said she will support us with getting child contact orders in place (we don't have any custody arrangements, the DDs have lived with me since I left 5 years ago and he has never contested this), although they have seen him regularly throughout this time.

I am considering them giving video evidence if they are happy with this but having read up online it looks like they would also need to be cross-examined in court, is this right? In this case I am not sure I want to put them through this.

OP posts:
Autumnfields · 04/11/2019 18:39

I think then for now you hold firm and be very reassuring for your kids. I’d be telling them that they did the right thing by speaking out and that they must not keep these things to themselves. Just bolster them up. Reassure them that they are not going to be forced to go to their Dads and reassure them that the court and police are there to protect THEM and that it will all be fine.

And then find out information like you are now and arm yourself with resources.

You left. You got away. You are not being abused anymore. They can do this too, even if he is their father they must feel more in control.

carly2803 · 04/11/2019 21:09

as above with the great advice. You need to hold firm and have their backs. If you let this go now, they will have no faith in you, the system and feel protected (speaking from bitter experience).

I would never send them again unsupervised. I would also let him take me to court (highly unlikely)!

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 10:38

Just thought I would update you on this.

The police interviewed him. He denied everything, completely - eg I have never hit them, I have never threatened them etc. The police then said as there is no physical evidence (no bruises etc) the case is closed. The officer did say he didn't quite believe exH, but his hands are tied. The fact that all 3 DDs have consistently said the same thing about his behaviour means nothing apparently.

The social worker is going to speak to him to carry out some safety assessment, but has told him he can carry on contacting us, he can speak to the kids about their disclosures as long as it is on a non-threatening manner (ffs), and he can see the kids as usual.

She has advised me that as their mother the onus is on me to keep them safe from him, and to say no to him wanting them for overnight visits. I need to then issue court proceedings for contact (which I don't want and can't afford), or I have to wait for him to issue proceedings if he wants to.

Social services will back up the girls disclosures if we end up in court.

It feels like the police and social workers have poked the sleeping bear and then run away, and left me to deal with the consequences. Sad

I have told them I am very scared of him based on previous violence to me, they have just said I need to man up (not in those words obviously) and tell him he can't see them.

They said they can't advise him not to see them as he has parental rights, so he has every right to overnight contact.

They will be speaking to him today and will update me later.

I am just so angry at this impotent process.

OP posts:
Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 10:39

I think then for now you hold firm and be very reassuring for your kids. I’d be telling them that they did the right thing by speaking out and that they must not keep these things to themselves. Just bolster them up. Reassure them that they are not going to be forced to go to their Dads and reassure them that the court and police are there to protect THEM and that it will all be fine

I have been doing this as much as I can. Thank you for the reassurance that I am doing the right thing,

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/11/2019 10:50

Deny contact and let him take you to court

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/11/2019 10:56

Have you contacted your local women's aid to see if anyone can support you?

I know it seems bleak but having ss confirm the disclosures means that it's not just he said she said if it does go to court.

For now though it's perhaps possible to write and say you've been advised the children shouldn't have contact for the time being as you've been instructed to keep them safe.
Or similar.
And see if he's bothered about keeping contact going.

But hopefully others will be along to advise.

This is so disappointing for you all. As long as you show you care about your DC and believe them and will listen to them, that is very valuable in itself

TalullahDingleberry · 27/11/2019 11:02

You’re very unlikely to get anywhere with the allegations in court if social services and the police have assessed the situation as no further action.

Stop contact and let him apply to court seems to be their standard advice when one parent has concerns. It rarely means anything in practice. You should get their advice in writing.

MzHz · 27/11/2019 11:04

Exactly, he’s not going to take this to court, if he does he’ll open up an enormous can of worms, and you can use the threat of the dds repeating what they have said, the fact that SS said they’ll support the dds and also the dds are old enough to decide not to go, and all you need to do is support them in their decisions

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:05

Deny contact and let him take you to court

I really, really don't want him to take me to court. I can't afford it and for the financial side of our divorce he hired a really intimidating barrister, came up with lots of unsubstantiated lies but still ended up taking everything financially. I can't do that again, especially not with my children.

For now though it's perhaps possible to write and say you've been advised the children shouldn't have contact for the time being as you've been instructed to keep them safe.

SS won't back this up though. They have said he has parental responsibility and they can't advise him not to have them for overnights. They have said that I also shouldn't state that these are the children's wishes too (which they are) in case it makes the girls feel guilty later on. But sometimes that is the only reasoning he listens to - if the girls say no overnights then he hits a dead-end. But it has to be just me saying I have made the decision, and that doesn't carry any weight with him at all.

I am going to tell him no overnights, but I feel very, very exposed and vulnerable in doing so.

If it's relevant at all, I left him to due domestic violence, he told the police the thumb marks around my neck were because 'she must have fallen over' and so police said it's my word against his and they let him go. This just feels like more of the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:06

Stop contact and let him apply to court seems to be their standard advice when one parent has concerns. It rarely means anything in practice. You should get their advice in writing.

What do you mean by 'it rarely means anything in practice'?

OP posts:
Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:07

You should get their advice in writing. Their advice seems to be to just stand up to him now and let him take me to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:09

Exactly, he’s not going to take this to court, if he does he’ll open up an enormous can of worms, and you can use the threat of the dds repeating what they have said, the fact that SS said they’ll support the dds and also the dds are old enough to decide not to go, and all you need to do is support them in their decisions

12 year old and 10 year old don't want overnight contact, but the 7yo does, because she is young and is guilt-ridden about her disclosure, and because she is only 7 and loves her dad. She is having counselling with an amazing woman at school to help her deal with this, but it's hard to say they don't all want to go.
I absolutely will be saying that but I feel like I've been backed into a corner with no support.

OP posts:
MzHz · 27/11/2019 11:09

Remember that abusers bully out of inferiority and weakness, not strength or power.

If there is a chance of his behaviour coming in for close examination, if the girls say in court/during legal process etc they don’t want to go because he hits them a bully won’t want that info coming out.

You’re free love, your kids have seen who he is now too, your 2 hours away, you’re not the vulnerable person you were before. You have got this! Please don’t panic.

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:11

You’re free love, your kids have seen who he is now too, your 2 hours away, you’re not the vulnerable person you were before. You have got this! Please don’t panic.

Agh, thank you. I feel like I need this sentence taped to my forehead.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 27/11/2019 11:13

Start saving. Let him take you to court. Your youngest will be older by the time she is spoken to.
And a bit wiser.
You got this op.

MzHz · 27/11/2019 11:13

Well.. 2 (who ARE old enough for their wishes to be taken into account) have said they’re not going

The youngest is having ongoing counselling BECAUSE of her fathers abuse. The counsellor can help her lose that guilt, The counsellor can also write a report. School can too. He’s not going to risk that. He’s a coward.

There is no way I’d allow the 7yo to go alone. If the eldest 2 won’t go, the 7yo can’t go. If he insists, make it through a contact centre, he won’t like that either...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/11/2019 11:14

I'm sorry but you're still willing to let him see your children when he hits them.

I know you're scared of him and court is a long drawn out process but the process is w good thing.

The children are old enough to have their feelings taken into account legally and at least you can protect them in the short term by keeping them from him.

MzHz · 27/11/2019 11:15

Lovely, many of us have been there, we all know what you feel like when triggered back into the victim

But you’re not that victim anymore, you’re the lioness who protected her cubs!

ROARRRRRR! Grin

🦁

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/11/2019 11:20

Finals I'm so sorry you're going through this very traumatic time 😥

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:55

There is no way I’d allow the 7yo to go alone. If the eldest 2 won’t go, the 7yo can’t go.

There is no way I would let the youngest go, and overnights are now out of the question as far as I am concerned.

It's just all so bloody scary.

But you’re not that victim anymore, you’re the lioness who protected her cubs!

I feel like a lion today, but its more down to my frizzy hair and unshaved legs sadly Grin

Thank you though, you are all helping to calm me down. x

OP posts:
TalullahDingleberry · 27/11/2019 11:55

It rarely means anything in practice means that when you eventually get into court, it doesn’t hold much if any weight, especially if the concerns have been assessed and they have not seen anything that warrants them taking action.

Also if you’re saying they’re at risk of physical harm in his care but that you’re still sending them for unsupervised contact, that gives the message that you’re not that concerned about them being hurt.

Personally I’d be saying supervised only at his expense.

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 11:57

I'm sorry but you're still willing to let him see your children when he hits them.

^But this is EXACTLY what the courts will also do - they will say he has parental rights and can continue contact, esp as police now have no concerns.

That is my frustration.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/11/2019 12:00

@Finals1234 no they won't. They're old enough to be listened to.

And even if they do allow him contact, it'll be supervised until the girls are no longer scared of him.

He probably won't even be arsed to go to court and IF he does it takes bloody ages and you can keep them safe until then.

Original poster
Finals1234 · 27/11/2019 12:06

Also if you’re saying they’re at risk of physical harm in his care but that you’re still sending them for unsupervised contact, that gives the message that you’re not that concerned about them being hurt. Personally I’d be saying supervised only at his expense.

Thank you. At the moment I am considering saying he can meet them in my city, not his, and take them for dinner or something but I will also be in the restaurant. The girls really like that suggestion too.

He won't like that but it will be the start of some sort of dialogue I suppose.

I hate that its all such a grey area, and that I will be so highly judged when I am trying to do what's best for my girls for now and for their future, all with no concrete guidance from anyone who should be able to help me.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 27/11/2019 12:24

If he is able to use the fact that it's a grey area to his advantage then so can you, be strategic play for time, stall him all you can, keep a log of everything and collaborate with others who have been through the same experience.

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