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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

To ask where to start with a child contact order?

35 replies

Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:25

I desperately need something official for my DD.
Ex p is hostile, emotionally damaging and uses cocaine recreationally.
I don’t trust him he’s had pretty much no input in her care ( she’s 11 months )

My biggest fear is she goes to nursery 2 days a week- what if he just goes and collects her ?
What can I do to stop this and where do I start
I don’t want to stop contact, I want what’s best for her which is consistency and building contact up if I feel it’s safe to do so.

I’ve booked a mediation session but it isn’t for 2 weeks. I don’t know what to do but I’m panicking. I need something sorting.
To get a court order do I need a solicitor ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:28

Also I’ve already asked nursery. They know him from my DS4 and said becayse he’s got parental responsibility they can’t refuse him

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 20:31

You need legal advice pronto.
You could start with the Rights of Women family law helpline.
You could ask your local Citizens Advice about free law clinics and solicitors that offer a free initial consultation.
Meanwhile there is lots of useful info here:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/children-law-parents-separate/
And here:
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/

Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:34

Thankyou! Reading that it seems my best option is a prohibited steps order, purely to reduce the fear of him just taking her. Does anyone have any experience of getting this ?

OP posts:
IndieTara · 27/10/2019 20:36

@Northmumof2 prohibited steps doesn't mean he can't take her it just means that if he does it's generally easier to get her back

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/10/2019 20:40

OP there is a service called DV Assist who help with getting emergency orders. You could try calling them and asking about a Prohibited Steps Order. They’re very helpful and I believe their service is free.

Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:41

@IndieTara reading it it sounds like this is what nursery would need to ensure he can’t take her? Have you ever applied for one I’m just wondering if I’d need a solicitor to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:43

@Whatisthisfuckery Thankyou so much. Is this aimed specifically at domestic violence cases ? I don’t want to use something that is there for people who really need it- but I’m now feeling very desperate Sad

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 20:43

Was he abusive towards you and if so have you reported it to any "official" eg GP, Women's Aid or police?

If you've had concerns about your DD's safety and/or wellbeing when in his care, have you discussed those concerned with anyone "official"?

Official reports will mean evidence which will add strength to your case.

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 20:44

those concerns

Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:45

@AnotherEmma he isn’t abusive no. He’s quite nasty he asked me to commit suicide last week. But he’s doing that becayse my mum commited suicide so he knows it’ll hurt me. But never anything more than nasty words and remarks

I’ve never mentioned it to someone official though no, he has ever had her on his own she’s pretty much been with me for 11 months. Is it worth ringing my health visitor tomorrow ?

OP posts:
TheFallenCamal · 27/10/2019 20:50

Have a CAO for my DD aged 5, so can advice a bit.

ExH is only allowed to pick DD up from school on his one specific day a week, if he doesn't turn or someone other than me or him turns up on that DD goes to school after school club until I can get to her. This is stated in the order, School have to follow it and cannot release her to him without my written permission at any other time.

It works well as ExH hasn't tried to take her since the order was made, I believe Nursery's can have similar rules so it's worth asking about it. I had a solicitor who did all the talking for me in court and insisted on this.

TheFallenCamal · 27/10/2019 20:51

*on that day

mamandematribu · 27/10/2019 20:52

Ha can legally take her if there are no court orders in place.

Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:52

@TheFallenCamal Thankyou so much for that. Do you mind me asking how the process started ? Did you find a solicitor and they arranged it or ? Also was it very costly ? There’s a lot of conflicting advice online

OP posts:
Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 20:54

@mamandematribu I know this is my concern. It isn’t I don’t want him to not see her. It’s I want consistency and to know she’s safe and he knows her routines etc and his behaviour can be erratic

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 20:54

I suppose you say he's not abusive because he hasn't been physically aggressive towards you?

Someone who is "hostile", "emotionally damaging", says "nasty words and remarks" (including telling you to kill yourself) and who you are afraid of - because you think he might collect your DD from nursery without your agreement - is pretty much the textbook definition of an emotionally and verbally abusive person.

You might be interested in the legal definition of 'coercive control': rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 20:55

Oh and yes I think it would be a good idea to talk to your health visitor about your concerns.

TheFallenCamal · 27/10/2019 20:57

We had to do mediation first, we had separate first appointments known as the MIAMs, we did these on separate days. And then when it was decided by the mediator that mediation wouldn't be appropriate in our case I got the C100 forms from the court and filled them in. The mediator gave me a letter to include with those.

The entire thing cost me about £3k but that's because of me using a solicitor, you could probably do it without for under £500.

Thehouseintheforest · 27/10/2019 21:04

Hi OP,

I would seriously suggest having this moved to 'legal' as there are some amazing family lawyers over there who can give you good sensible advice.

'Collaborate' 'babybarrister' and 'Ph47bridge'. Spring to mind.

It is absolutely normal to apply for CAOs on your own without a lawyer. It common because legal aid has been stopped for everything but DV cases.

I think a Prohibitive Steps order is probably the right way , as you are asking a court to make an order not to do something . (take the child from nursery) ..

I don't think you can apply for a child contact order (CAO) as you already have contact. You can defend a cao if your ex applies for formal contact.

Yet the definitive answer though OP - over on legal. To much guess work and opinion on AIBU , you need facts.

Original poster
Northmumof2 · 27/10/2019 21:05

@Thehouseintheforest Thankyou so much for replying. Do you know how I move it ? Or do I just do a new post x

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 21:08

"I don't think you can apply for a child contact order (CAO) as you already have contact. You can defend a cao if your ex applies for formal contact."

This is completely wrong!
Why do people just make stuff up?!

Thehouseintheforest · 27/10/2019 21:21

Perhaps AnotherEmma if you developed your reading comprehension you would clearly see that I have said 'I think' .. not ' I know' ... and have suggested the OP gets the DEFINITIVE answer on Legal from one of the many family lawyers who help out on that topic..

NorthMumof2 I think you 'report' your thread to MNHQ and ask it to be moved. God luck .

Nat6999 · 27/10/2019 21:24

You need to get a court order, but first you need to go to mediation, if you tell the mediator that your ex has been abusive, they should stop the mediation process & sign the forms to go forward to court. If you can manage it, get yourself a good solicitor who can press for your ex to only get supervised contact due to his behaviour & drug use. The contact could be in a contact centre or supervised by a member of your family. Until he can prove that he can be trusted & his drug use has been investigated, this is the best for your child. The court should issue interim orders with a date for the next hearing, at this hearing the judge will hear reports from Caffcass on how well he can look after & interact with your child & make recommendations how contact will progress, don't be surprised if there are further supervised contact orders made. My late partner started off going to a playgroup at Surestart, the Caffcass workers were there to observe, then had 2 hours at a children's centre every week, again with Caffcass observing & finally 3 hours every week at a place of his choosing introducing his parents to his children with Caffcass observing again, they usually went to the local park with a picnic if the weather was good or a soft play centre if it was raining. After this there was a final hearing where he was awarded his unsupervised contact. I wasn't allowed to be involved in contact until the final order was made, even though I would be seeing the children every week & staying over at my house. The same would probably happen with your ex if he has a new partner, he is expected to provide everything needed for contact, snacks, drinks, nappies, clean clothes & toys etc, this is part of the assessment process along with following any routine that the child may be in.

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 21:25

Reading comprehension skills Grin
Yeah I read your post and I couldn't comprehend why you decided to make shit up when you had already given very helpful advice to ask in legal!

AnotherEmma · 27/10/2019 21:26

(Also if you'd read any of the links I posted you would easily have been able inform yourself with those reading comprehension skills of yours.)