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Original poster

See my grandkids

34 replies

leigh39 · 05/03/2019 07:42

My son is 22 and he has new GF has recently given birth to a set a of twins born early so are in neo natal ... my son and I had a fall last year over trivial stuff and we haven't spoke even though I have tried to reach out to him on numerous occasions .. he has another son to someone else who is 4 years old and I have contact with my grandson however his new Gf sent me a picture of the twins when they were born on the 1st of March and I asked could I see them and wanted to be in there life ... she said she would ask my son ... he later sent me a big message stating he hasn't got the energy to build bridges and does not want me on his life and not to message him back ... I'm heart broke and don't know what to do ... I've been trying best a mum can be and give my kids everything through life single handled and yeah we had q stupid fall out which was not my fault but to stop me seeing the twins

Any advice please I'm what to do

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 05/03/2019 07:47

In all honestly I don’t think there is anything you can legally do. Grandparents don’t really have any legal right to access unless you have been the children’s primary career or a major part of their lives already.

You just need to keep trying to rebuild your relationship.

Missingstreetlife · 05/03/2019 19:07

let them settle, the babies are in hospital ffs. Send a nice card, pack of babygrows and leave it a few weeks til you try again. Apologise for your part in the upset and hope he comes round. If not leave it for now, try again at Xmas

negomi90 · 05/03/2019 19:16

What ever the argument was about, your son is currently breaking apart and desperately trying to hold it together with children in hospital and a 4 year old.
He has no energy or time to deal with you now.
Back off, send a card with congratulations and let him come to you if he wants to, when he wants to (which best case scenario will be after the twins have been home a few weeks).

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/03/2019 19:21

Ahh I’m sorry OP. This must be hard, for all of you.

Legally you have no rights to see your grandchildren.

Tbh right now I would leave them be as they are dealing with a really stressful situation and your son is probably telling the truth about having no energy. He will be working on autopilot for the next few months until his babies are home and stable. Give them the space they need. Leave the door open for him to get in touch and be there is he does. But otherwise don’t force yourself into their lives. Nothing good will come of that.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/03/2019 20:27

Yes leave it at the moment with just an acknowlegement of their birth.
When they get home and have to manage two very small babies he may realise he needs help. Keep the door open and as soon as a reach out comes respond and forget the differences.
Going a legal route will destroy everything for ever and possibly gain nothing.
Don't push either. Try and sit and wait. Not easy but probably best.

Original poster
leigh39 · 05/03/2019 21:32

Yes thanks for all your advice ... I have just left it for for now I know it's for the best and like you all day I don't want to add any additional pressure to him or his new partner ... I do care a lot and I would of never of turned up at there home or at the hospital ... I'm gutted but I am not one of them people who will demand this and that .. I will just ride the storm and always be here and let them take the lead now x

Thanks x

OP posts:
Lucyboo1975 · 25/03/2019 17:44

So update on my grandkids .. I've sent a card and presents up to the hospital .. arm numerous messages which have been read but not replied too .... I've messaged again just a simple hello and best wishes .. but nothing .. I'm hurt deeply but I won't take the angry approach ...

Just unsure what to do next as legally I have no rights !

Shookethtothecore · 25/03/2019 17:50

I thought you said you was going to leave it?! Leave it they arnt even out of hospital yet you are winding him up more most probably

SnuggyBuggy · 25/03/2019 17:50

Leave them for now, accept that there is nothing you can do but keep making offers of support and help from time to time. It may be when things are more settled with the baby your son may be more receptive.

Lucyboo1975 · 25/03/2019 19:15

They are out of hospital and home the babies are 24 days old just hurts but yes I will leave it for now

axil · 25/03/2019 19:22

It's not about you and your feelings right now. You're perfectly entitled to them and it's a difficult situation for you. It's 100 times more difficult for your son and his GF though. Just because they're home doesn't mean everything is chilled. Give him some space. Send a card if you need to send anything, with a SHORT message saying you love him and miss him. Otherwise leave them be for now.

If it weren't for the babies, would you have been contacting him quite so much? He likely thinks you're not interested in making up as much as you want to just see the babies. That's a surefire way of not getting to see the babies! His non response is a loud and clear message. If you care about your relationship with him, you'll listen to it.

Lucyboo1975 · 25/03/2019 19:47

Yes I have messaged him prior to the pregnancy and the babies x but thanks for the advice

YogaWannabe · 25/03/2019 19:54

Oh just leave them alone OP!
I can’t think of anything worse than being hounded by a NC relative in a time like that!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 25/03/2019 20:02

Stop texting and sending cards. You've done and said what you can and are now being an irritation. Just leave it and if they want a relationship with you then they'll come to you.

adulthumanwolf · 25/03/2019 20:07

What did you have the original falling out over?

onalongsabbatical · 25/03/2019 20:08

Good god woman, they've got 24 day old premature twins, will you stop hassling them and wait!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2019 20:17

Be honest, much more honest, about why he's cut you out. There is a reason, a good one as far as he is concerned.

Lucyboo1975 · 25/03/2019 20:23

We had a fall out over numerous reasons which aren't massive ... he cut everyone off in my family who are all good people ... it's complicated but in regards to his other son to his first GF I see him ... I just don't get how he would use the babies against me I've been a good mum and nana .... he don't see me for his own reasons which he probably feels won't work in his new life now ...

But I'm gonna leave it now ... I can't win I feel as if I don't keep trying they may think I don't care and if I do try I'm mithering ....:

Thanks for your comments

YogaWannabe · 25/03/2019 20:32

I just don't get how he would use the babies against me

It’s becoming clearer why he’s NC with you tbh

Stormwhale · 25/03/2019 20:32

You are going to push them away! You need to actually leave them alone now as you are making this all about you. They are in an extremely stressful situation with premature twins and you are harassing them.

MsSquiz · 25/03/2019 20:35

He is not using his children against you. He told you he did not have the energy to build bridges with you, and rather than respect his wishes, you have continued to send him messages and attempt contact.

You need to give him the space he has made it clear that he wants. Until he gets that space and distance from you, I seriously doubt that he will allow you to see the children, as you are being overbearing and making the situation all about you

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 25/03/2019 20:36

You're being very vague about the reasons for your son being no contact with you. Which makes me wonder whether there are things you need to make amends for.

LikeACowsOpinion · 25/03/2019 20:41

I was LC with my mum when I had my DD for various reasons. If you'd have asked her she'd have said that I was being ridiculous- not mentioning her violent, emotionally abusive and controlling outbursts + alcoholism.

She actually turned up at the hospital when after I'd given birth (an idiot friend of mine had posted something on FB and gave away where I was) and came onto the ward, outside of visiting hours, bursting into my cubicle whilst I was using a breast pump. It was humiliating.
My DD was also premature so I had a lot of emotion flying around at the time.
Her actions on that day were really the nail in the coffin for our relationship.

It took me a** long time to build up my faith in her enough to allow her around DD and her appalling action at the hospital didn't do her any favours.

Honestly, send a small card to them and leave it. He knows you're there, him and his GF are currently acclimatising to new life with tiny newborn twins. That is (rightly) his priority now.

If your relationship is going to be fixed it has to be on his terms as well as yours. You can't just decide that now the babies are here that you want access, it doesn't work like that unfortunately.

I'm sorry you're hurting. But you need to work on communication with your son before even thinking about the relationship with the babies.

I hope it works for you in the end.

Lucyboo1975 · 25/03/2019 20:48

Thanks for your insight it's a great help ... I am not making it about me I'm just asking for advice on what to do next . I won't create a drama I'm not sending mithering texts or calling them up or turning up at there home

It's long story in regards to why the fall out happened and there are a number of factors but as a mother brining up 4 children alone into adult hood and doing everything I possibly could for them to give them a good life I don't deserve this now

My son is also responsible for the fall out however I never close the door and never will ....

I am not looking for sympathy .. like I said I didn't know what to do next as I don't want them to think I don't care when I do

But I will leave it now and let them come to me

axil · 25/03/2019 20:49

Yoga I agree. OP clearly isn't going to change her mind that she's the victim in all this though...

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