Overnight contact with newborn baby

[Zoemay123]

This is going to be super long but please bare with, I could really do with the help/support!!
So... I’m currently 7 months pregnant, 19 years old and have split with the babies father (definitely for the best) however trouble is now on the horizon.
Me and the babies father live 100 miles apart, we originally lived together in his home with his mother when I fell pregnant however his mother was an alcoholic/drug abuser/unstable and caused a lot of trouble eg. Falling on me in bed drunk when I was pregnant, bringing random men back to the house for drugs and sex, constantly screaming and shouting and getting in my face over things, basically everything you don’t want a baby around, so me and the babies dad left to move back to my family home for mine and the babies safety... this lasted the whole of two weeks before he had ran back home to his mom (he had major issues with moving because of her dragging him around the country as a little boy following whichever boyfriend she could get) anyway he went back home and refused to make any compromises to get away from her, so after many arguments we separated because I needed to keep my baby safe and it turns out in the end he’s just happy to stay at his moms house responsibility free, smoking cannabis and not working (great example to set) so anyway I adapted to single life again and got everything sorted for the baby by myself with no help, I brought every nappy, wipe, babygrow, pram, you name it and I’ve provided the best.
So... now that we’ve both accepted being separate which i can’t lie has been hard, the subject of contact came up (in an argument) where he states he wants “every week Friday-Sunday overnight access to the baby at his home from the second he’s born” I’ve said this isn’t possible because 1. I plan to breast feed and feel very strongly about it, this isn’t possible to do whilst 100 miles away. 2. I don’t trust the baby to be in the company of his mom and to be honest I don’t trust him around the child now he’s started taking drugs again.
I offered him as much access to the baby as he wants from birth it just needs to be supervised by me whilst I’m breast feeding, it needs to be at my home/in my city because it’s compleltey unfair to make the baby travel 6 hour round trips to go up to his home and I’ve said he’s welcome to build this up to having unsupervised access after a bond has been formed and he can prove he is trustworthy (there has been threats of taking the baby) and overnight stays once he’s in a stable environment and our son is old enough to understand why he’s been taken away from his mom and when he properly has a bond with the dad.

As you can all imagine this has caused row after row, all of the nasty things in the world have been said and threats of court are now constantly being said by him.
I guess after all of this my questions are, has anyone been through anything similar with overnight access long distance? Has anybody been through court for a similar thing and can give me advice? Does he have any rights and what do you believe the court would say? Am I being unreasonable? Or can any other single moms give me a hell load of support and a shoulder to cry on!!! Thanks so much for reading if you’ve got this far ❤️❤️❤️

No court would separate a breastfeeding mother from a newborn for overnight contact. I'd suggest you minimise contact with him unless it is something directly about baby you want him to know. Let him pay to take you to court if he wants to - to be told no - doesn't sound the type who will bother, to be honest.
You can do this! :)

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Don’t give the baby his surname, don’t put him on the birth certificate and I bet my house he won’t bother to take you to court.

I suspect he’s just threatening you to mess with your head and try to control you.
He sounds far too feckless and idle to want to be awake all night dealing with a crying baby in real life.
As PP said, don’t put him on the birth certificate and he won’t have any rights at all.
You are wise to avoid any unsupervised contact with him and his frankly deranged sounding mother.
Why did you get involved with this chap in the first place? He hardly sounds suitable partner or father material. You deserve much better than him. Please have a think about your choices, and why your self esteem is so low that you were going to settle for someone like that.

You’ve offered something rational and sensible, he’s coming back with unreasonable demands and rows...you do not need to engage with this.

Seriously, stop communicating with him except to say, you will accept formal mediation or communication via a solicitor/ the courts. And leave it to him to organise.

Personally I’d write him a letter sent by recorded delivery along the lines of:

“We have not been able to resolve the issue of access in discussion without escalation into argument. To be clear, having lived with you and your mother, I would be uncomfortable with a baby being in this environment because (list stuff, drunkenness, his drug use etc etc). Further, as I intend to breast feed I do not intend to be separated from the baby while this is ongoing.

I will no longer respond to any form of communication directly from you on this matter, but should you wish to arrange formal mediation or otherwise seek resolution through legal means, I would, of course, engage with this.”

Then just leave it up to him. As you say, you’ve been preparing, purchasing etc, and you’re going to have your hands full when baby comes. It’s not down to you to help him work out something sensible for access too. He can do this. All you need to do is respond in a courteous and honest manner.

I would offer to keep him up to date, provided he does not abuse these lines of contact by trying to continue this argument, makes threats about court/custody etc. Going through legal routes/court is fine, if he actually does this, but using it to threaten isn’t.

I would minimise contact with him tbh. Has he been to scans does he want to be at the birth/do you want him to be?

You sound very sensible. Stick to your decision. You are clearly putting your baby's needs first. Do not be intimidated by ex. The baby needs to be with you while you are exclusively breastfeeding.

Keep a copy of the letter.
Share your concerns with your midwife and HV.
Make sure they know about the lifestyle and drug use.
Keep all texts/ messages/ emails.

YANBU and quite frankly you are keeping your baby safe by insisting on supervised visits.

Stop engaging and see how much he initiates contact. See if he asks you how you are, if appointments with MW went well, how can he support you at the birth? Because these are questions a supportive father would be asking.

I'd be inclined to not give him details about your appointment to register the birth. Obviously if he asks then I don't think I'd refuse to tell him but I wouldn't be volunteering the information. Let hm chase to be involved and prove he can be a responsible father.

I'm assuming you are in the US? if so you need to speak to a more local (I'm guessing in your state) organisation who can advise you about the legal situation
If in the UK, I would def agree with the suggestion that you don't put him on the BC. Otherwise you will never be rid of this man who sounds like a waste of space. Keep all messages from him, this may be useful in the future
you have done the right thing by distancing yourself from this man, who is showing who he really is, fortunately before you get too tangled up with him.

YANBU.

Give the baby your surname.
Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Even if he lived in a normal home, ain’t no way he’d get overnight from birth, that’s ridiculous.

Get it all in writing about the substance abuse and chaotic lifestyle him and his mother have.

I would block and change my number and ignore him tbh.

Americans don’t say ‘row’ they say argue or fight, so I’m assuming the OP isn’t American.

OP I'm a family solicitor. DC3's advice is spot on.

Your instincts are sound, trust them.

Contact for a father in these circumstances is usually "little and often" to start with, and given his drug use and total ignorance about babies, I would be inclined to say any contact should be in a contact centre until he has provided some clear drug tests, and undertaken a suitable parenting course.

Assuming you are in England / Wales, he cannot issue a court application until the baby is born, and therefore any court dates will be when your baby is 2-3 months minimum. Hearings will be in the court for the area where baby lives.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. If he steps up, all that can be sorted later, but my suspicion is that he won't bother when he realises it will be hard work, and if that's the case, it will be easier for you not to give him Parental Responsibility.

Your BF can be summed up in two words.

POWER and CONTROL

Please do not be bullied by him, follow the advice given above. Do not give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate.

I'm with everybody else. Essential contact only, don't put him on the BC, give the baby your surname, and wait for him to take you to court. Which I'm about 90% he won't bother to do as soon as it involves more than just cheap talk to intimidate you and requires effort, money, and sobriety, much less care of a tiny baby. Keep copies of messages and note facts and incidents re his drug use and his mother.

If he can get it together to travel to you, then fine, he can see the baby for short periods with you supervising. Otherwise, he sees you in court.

I've never been in your situation, OP, but I like to think I would do the same. You sound very sensible and capable of protecting your child. Follow your instincts here - if it doesn't feel safe or beneficial for your baby, it's probably not. Ex-MIL in particular sounds like a nightmare.

I agree with all that has been said.

On no account put him on the birth certificate and wine your baby your surname.
Keep a detailed diary of all your exchanges with him, threats, claims, demands, and copies of anything he sends you.

Start to reduce your involvement with him, don't allow him at the birth, don't tell him when you go into labour, don't facilitate contact for him with you or your baby at all.

Lots of luck to you and your baby, you sound so lovely!

I can't comment on legal specifics but well done on putting your baby first. You sound very sensible for 19 and I wish you all the best. Agree you should not put him on the BC.

You have the advantage here, he cannot offer the baby a stable environment even for overnight especially considering his mothers circumstances. If you can avoid giving him parental rights as others have suggested and always remember he chose to be in his current situation he could have stayed with you and worked at your relationship but he chose the easy road and there's consequences to that! Good luck and try not to stress too much!

I really can’t thank all you lovely ladies enough for all the help and advice, you’ve gave me an extra boost of confidence that I can get through this and do my absolute best for my little boy! You’ve all gave me such brilliant advice and I’ll take it all on board, I never expected such support from a group of strangers but you really are such lovely people! Thank you all again xxxx

You're very welcome. Good luck!

If, around the time of your due date, you are worried that he might gatecrash the birth, I think you can speak to your midwife and they will bar whoever you name.

Under no circumstances put him on the birth certificate.

Do any of you ladies know the average length of a court case with this kind of thing? I was advised by a solicitor it could be anything from 12 months up to years worth of battling each other in court which the longer it drags on the better for me really, just wondered if anyone had first (or second) hand experience in going through the courts?

I used to work with families in this situation as a Contact Supervisor so have experience of the court process. First, a judge would not grant unsupervised contact in a drug user's house. Second, yes, these things can go on for years if he keeps appealing for more contact but it doesn't need to affect your daily life. You can focus on providing a stable home for your baby. If he wants any contact away from your home, he can take you to court. For you, it may just mean going to court once a year or every 6 months and showing any evidence you have of his unhealthy home life. Don't worry about it until it happens. If he is pestering you, block his number and tell him to contact you by letter or email. Then you have a written record of everything.