Overnight contact with newborn baby

[Zoemay123]

This is going to be super long but please bare with, I could really do with the help/support!!
So... I’m currently 7 months pregnant, 19 years old and have split with the babies father (definitely for the best) however trouble is now on the horizon.
Me and the babies father live 100 miles apart, we originally lived together in his home with his mother when I fell pregnant however his mother was an alcoholic/drug abuser/unstable and caused a lot of trouble eg. Falling on me in bed drunk when I was pregnant, bringing random men back to the house for drugs and sex, constantly screaming and shouting and getting in my face over things, basically everything you don’t want a baby around, so me and the babies dad left to move back to my family home for mine and the babies safety... this lasted the whole of two weeks before he had ran back home to his mom (he had major issues with moving because of her dragging him around the country as a little boy following whichever boyfriend she could get) anyway he went back home and refused to make any compromises to get away from her, so after many arguments we separated because I needed to keep my baby safe and it turns out in the end he’s just happy to stay at his moms house responsibility free, smoking cannabis and not working (great example to set) so anyway I adapted to single life again and got everything sorted for the baby by myself with no help, I brought every nappy, wipe, babygrow, pram, you name it and I’ve provided the best.
So... now that we’ve both accepted being separate which i can’t lie has been hard, the subject of contact came up (in an argument) where he states he wants “every week Friday-Sunday overnight access to the baby at his home from the second he’s born” I’ve said this isn’t possible because 1. I plan to breast feed and feel very strongly about it, this isn’t possible to do whilst 100 miles away. 2. I don’t trust the baby to be in the company of his mom and to be honest I don’t trust him around the child now he’s started taking drugs again.
I offered him as much access to the baby as he wants from birth it just needs to be supervised by me whilst I’m breast feeding, it needs to be at my home/in my city because it’s compleltey unfair to make the baby travel 6 hour round trips to go up to his home and I’ve said he’s welcome to build this up to having unsupervised access after a bond has been formed and he can prove he is trustworthy (there has been threats of taking the baby) and overnight stays once he’s in a stable environment and our son is old enough to understand why he’s been taken away from his mom and when he properly has a bond with the dad.

As you can all imagine this has caused row after row, all of the nasty things in the world have been said and threats of court are now constantly being said by him.
I guess after all of this my questions are, has anyone been through anything similar with overnight access long distance? Has anybody been through court for a similar thing and can give me advice? Does he have any rights and what do you believe the court would say? Am I being unreasonable? Or can any other single moms give me a hell load of support and a shoulder to cry on!!! Thanks so much for reading if you’ve got this far ❤️❤️❤️

The suggested letter is excellent.

Send that then block his number

I agree, there’s no way he’s going to get his stoned arse in gear, and no court that would give access while you’re breastfeeding and he’s living with an alcoholic druggie.

Congratulations and enjoy your baby when he comes.

Oh, and don’t put him on the birth certificate - he can get himself to court to prove paternity at the first hurdle.

Stop engaging with him. And don't tell him when you go into labour or have the baby.

Thanks ladies! It really does settle my mind to know I've got some strong support and advice on the situation, sorry to keep dropping in with new questions there's just so much going around my mind right now, but I'm definitely not going to put him on the birth certificate and will definitely be making him fight to see the baby if that's what he truly wants he's got to prove himself so thank you all for anybody who's suggested that! Just another question that's come to mind is, if he fights against contact in my home or with me present and it gets passed to a contact centre will he have to pay for this and would it be in a centre near the baby or meet in the middle kind of situation? X

@MrsBertBibby gave excellent advice.
Don't worry about that question you've just asked until it comes to it. Take one step at a time. You can put forth a case about where and when when it comes to it. It'd be in your local FCJS court anyway ... So likely to be a local supervised contact place if that is what is agreed.

He might pull it together or might not. But you don't have to worry about that yet. Enjoy your pregnancy and baby's birth and fgs give baby your last name.

Also when ebf no court will give him more than a couple hours supervised contact in early days. If he can't behave when with you, with a young baby needing constant feeding until in a pattern, that in itself isnt a great statement that he will be putting in 😁

He won't get baby early and he can choose to refuse supervised contact in contact centre to his detriment of he likes. It takes as long as it takes in terms of court but it isn't quick! Time is on your side.

A court can in theory order either parent to pay for / contribute to the costs of a contact centre, but they will consider your financial situation, and normally, the contact parent pays.

Travel is considered on the basis of the child's best interests, and resident parents are often expected to do part of the travel, but a court won't want a very young baby to be doing lots of travelling, so it will likely to be nearest to you.

Just to update you all on my ridiculous situation... I tried to contact him about my glucose test results coming back, this ended in another argument and threats of court yet AGAIN, he's now blocked me on absolutely everything and said he'll contact me at the end of May (I'm due June 6th!!) someone please tell me this works in my favour? He's had the option to come to every midwife/antenatal class/scan and now he's just walked away from all of it and walked away from any chance of even texting me to ask how the baby is (which he hasn't done for 4 weeks)

Sweetie, block him right back, contrate on your pregnancy, and worry about this silly man after your baby is born.

Stop giving him headspace. Enjoy your pregnancy.

What MrsBertBibby says. He isn't your friend, he doesn't need to know about your glucose test results or your personal information. All he needs to know is of the arrival of the baby. Your communication is strictly the provision of factual information from you about the baby. Don't take the bait to argue with him. Facts only, grey rock.

He's done you a favour there, you are starting to see the real person that he is.

Stop contacting him about yourself and the baby, you are only giving him a stick to beat you with. He's not interested in your health concerns, he's only interested in proving that you will do what he tells you to do.

Your relationship with him is over, block him in every way possible. Don't contact him when you go into labour.

If you block him back, will he make the effort trying to get back in touch?
He sounds like an ass. Do you have evidence of his drug use and also of his mothers, as I guess if it does go to court you will need to have something to back up your story?

@purpleboy he hasn't shown any effort to be involved with the pregnancy even when Ive offered to pay his train fare to come to midwife appointments so I'm hoping he realises that it's going to be a lot more effort to look after a baby and that he doesn't get back in touch at all, as for evidence I've got tonnes of pictures of him smoking weed and so many messages of him saying having a child won't stop him smoking it and that there's nothing wrong with smoking around pregnant women or being stoned around babies because it's just "part of who he is and it will never change", as for his mom I've got years worth of messages talking about her behaviour and drug and drink problems, even messages from the night I had to get him to leave work because she's fell on me drunk in bed, I'm just hoping that will all be enough for evidence if he does actually take it through courts, plus if they had to take a drug test there's no way it would come back negative xx

That sounds terrible, but plenty of evidence, make sure you back it all up in case you loose your phone 🙈
I'm no legal expert but I would hope with all that evidence no one would be stupid enough to grant access to people like that. The breastfeeding certainly goes in your Favour too.
So sorry your going through this, but you certainly sound like you know what your doing and putting you baby first. Keep your strength, your absolutely doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise xx

Wth is will not go to court. Stop contacting him, it invites trouble

How the hell did you go on more than one date with, let alone have a baby with, such a moronic loser?

@MsTSwift i was young and in love and he was very good at deceiving me it seems, I was also told by numerous doctors I had 0 chance of ever conceiving so having a baby with him was never a thought that crossed my mind until this little miracle turned up, believe me I've well and truly learnt my lesson with relationships!