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Original poster

Child being taken into care over high conflict

50 replies

Noname17 · 28/01/2019 09:37

Can a child be taken into care if the parents just can't get along? There is high conflict between ex and I and there is a fear that DD is at risk of emotional abuse because of it and now it's being suggested that if we can't get along within the next six months then DD would have to be taken into care.
Thanks to anyone with helpful info/advice.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 28/01/2019 09:39

It is well known that exposing children to parental conflict can be emotionally damaging. In some case that might amount to significant harm.

Doyoumind · 28/01/2019 09:40

Who has suggested this?

Truckingonandon · 28/01/2019 09:44

High conflict? Do you mean aggression, screaming, shouting, swearing, berating each other etc?

MrsJayy · 28/01/2019 09:46

Who is saying you havectobget along social work ? Yes a child canbe taken into care if parents can't keep them safe if you and your ex are fighting arguing in conflict then it will have an effect on your child. You don't have to get on with your ex you just need to be civil for the sake of your child if you both can't be civiil you might need to get a 3rd party involved be it a lawyer or court order etcetc

icouldwriteabook · 28/01/2019 09:48

Who has ‘suggested’ this?

Bollocks.

As long as you live apart and she is safe and cared for with both of you separately, given she spends time with you both separately, why would she be taken into care?

You and your ex do need to try and minimise contact with each other and avoid arguing or disagreeing in front of your DD, but apart from that I’m sure most ex’s have conflict especially when children/custody are involved.

Unfortunately some children from separated parents will experience some kind of arguing/emotional abuse If the parents are involving them - eg ‘daddy doesn’t have time for you’ ‘mummy is horrible to daddy’ ‘you don’t want to live with daddy do you’ etc.

Speaking from experience, it messes children up. I was that child once and now me and my mum have a difficult relationship, (Just one example- i was put in a police van aged 10 because my mum accused my dad of kidnapping me -I was at his house on his arranged custody day), I wasn’t allowed on holiday with my dad and his wife and her kids because my mum was jealous and bitter, however I was the one that missed out. because of this woman I constantly (stupidly) fear my DP will leave and my son will have a broken home full of resentment. I spent my childhood being emotionally abused and feared I would end up like my mum. I however ended up (through a horrible and expensive court battle) living with my dad from 10 years old. That ultimately saved me. My parents still don’t like each other. It still affects me.

Please try and keep her out of it Flowers

MissMalice · 28/01/2019 10:44

If neither parent is able to meet the emotional needs of the child then yes, they can be taken into care.

Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 11:13

The issue is we haven't verbally spoken for the last six months after he tried to argue Infront of DD, everything now is through WhatsApp. The problem is we have a court order and he's been trying to change it, not through the court but through me and I've felt like it's not in the best interest of DD for all that inconsistency and cafcass are kind of saying I'm not being flexible. There is no parent alienation. I only reply to his messages if I deem them to be important and most if not all of his messages have been trivial so they've gone unanswered and that has frustrated him.

OP posts:
MissMalice · 28/01/2019 11:16

So what is the court/CAFCASS unhappy about? Perhaps ask your solicitor for their view?

Bluestitch · 28/01/2019 11:19

I had a friend who ended up with SS involvement because of the animosity between her and her ExH. They were both very well educated professionals, nice homes, great income but they were completely incapable of putting their son ahead of their anger. Every single thing was litigated over, every little thing required a million solicitor letters, it was awful on both sides and their poor kid was a mess. I ended up backing away from the friendship for my own mental health, can't even imagine the impact it had on their child. I know the judge at one point threatened care proceedings, probably through exasperation at them. Not sure how it worked out in the end.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 28/01/2019 11:24

4 years of hell with exh.
I still have my dc.
And they are nc with him after realising he is a twat.
Cafcass had involvement but no Ss..
Your worries are unfounded op.

Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 11:48

Tbh I don't know what the actual problem is. I don't have a solicitor. I've raised issues regarding ex and I was told that it's a new year and I need to be positive. I was positive at the beginning of the case until he messed up and the judge threatened him with suspension of contact and I said no to that. Ex is very inconsistent and I follow the court order word for word and I think that that is the problem. Before court he wanted to see DD as and when and all I wanted was a court order stated exactly when, where and how. But now it feels like I need to be flexible with contact and not argue about it for the sake of DD and he will get his 'as and when', which I disagree with. I don't know if I should just let it go and let him have what he wants.

OP posts:
Bluestitch · 28/01/2019 11:53

Who has told you about the possibility of care proceedings?

Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 12:04

@Bluestitch cafcass and the judge agreed with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 12:18

The other thing is that in the cafcass report, the worker said that she was weighing up the harm that DD would be exposed to if the conflict continues Vs if contact with ex broke down but when we went to court it drastically shifted to foster care.

OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 28/01/2019 12:26

Is his desire to see your DD "as and when" dictated by work restrictions? If so I think you are being unreasonable not to consider changes. If this is the case perhaps you could try to get his work schedule as early as possible so that you are still able to make plans yourself.

Bluestitch · 28/01/2019 12:26

It sounds like you really need to speak to a solicitor if possible. If it has been mentioned by the judge then it needs to be taken seriously.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/01/2019 12:27

The problem is we have a court order and he's been trying to change it, not through the court but through me and I've felt like it's not in the best interest of DD for all that inconsistency and cafcass are kind of saying I'm not being flexible. There is no parent alienation. I only reply to his messages if I deem them to be important and most if not all of his messages have been trivial so they've gone unanswered and that has frustrated him.

Listen to Cafcass. They have told you that you are being inflexible and uncommunicative and that this risks your daughter being placed into care if both of you cannot find a reasonable way to deal with each other. This is not a reasonable way.

Doyoumind · 28/01/2019 12:27

There must be more to it than what you presented here. So you've been to court and have a CAO which he hasn't stuck to so you've gone back to court. Is that right? Otherwise how are Cafcass and the court involved again? Are they saying you aren't being flexible enough about what is now being requested in the new case?

Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 12:32

He doesn't work weekends and that's when he sees DD, it's a matter of when he feels like or returning DD early because he needs to go watch a boxing match.
He's said yes to different arrangements to look co operative but keeping up to those arrangements has been difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 12:36

@Doyoumind we're still going to court, that's why cafcass and the court are involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 12:48

@AnchorDownDeepBreath that is what I'm struggling with at the moment. I know that I'm not being flexible, but I also know that ex is full of bs and excuses. And it's been very hard for me to trust that he's being honest and not messing me about. I just don't know how flexible I need to be.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/01/2019 13:43

You don't have to be flexible once the CAO is in place. You will just have to stick to what is set out.

There is clearly a feeling that you are not putting the child's best interests first and that is the worst thing when going to court. Any argument you put forward should be based solely around your child and not you and not your ex. You must know this already.

Original poster
Noname17 · 28/01/2019 13:52

@doyoumind I'm not sure what sure what you're saying. There is a CAO in place and it's ex who hasn't kept to it and somehow I'm not being flexible because I'm not being accommodating to his ever changing 'arrangements'.

OP posts:
Jon65 · 28/01/2019 13:52

You should engage a solicitor or a direct access barrister.

MissMalice · 28/01/2019 13:54

If the court feel that his requests for flexibility are reasonable and you are continually refusing then they could come to the conclusion that you are being inflexible.

You really need some proper advice from someone who is able to read the CAFCASS reports and so on. It is not normal for the courts to threaten social services involvement. You must take them seriously.