Can I be forced to give the Father shared custody?

[Wilkiemini]

After a very acrimonious split with the father of my two children (age 9 and 10) he has access to them two days in the week where he collects them from school and has them until bedtime so drops them home at 8pm he also has them every other weekend sat 9.30am to Sunday 6.30pm so once overnight.

He is now threatening me with solicitors letters saying I have to attend mediation, he say if he doesn’t get 50/50 custody he’ll take me to court to get it.

Both myself and the children are happy with the current access arrangements m, he also has them for half the school holidays because I only get 5 weeks holiday a year!
He is now saying he wants to choose what weeks he has them so not necessarily around me or the school holidays! I cannot afford solicitors bills, childcare or anything he left me unable to pay the rent and I work 30 hours a week so I claimuniversal credit now :( which is a nightmare in itself!

He earns 4K a month and pays £590 maintenance which is the minimum he has to pay he think this means I have to purchase absolutely everything they need whilst he just spends his money on going out and socialising!

Can I be forever to give him 50/50 custody against my will? I do all the school runs and the kids clubs he works abroad about 12/14 weeks a year and expects me to work around him!

Today he sent some rude emails to my work and I have now blocked all contact with him as he continues to verbally abuse me and remind me of his rights!

Help me please I’m at the end of my tether I’ve been through hell with this man and he gets a kick out of mentally hurting us...we’ve all been in tears tonight :(

He won’t get a 50/50 arrangement unless he can prove it’s in the children’s best interests for that to happen. The courts prefer to keep the status quo unless there is a good reason to change things.

When you say “we” - do you mean you and the children? Are they aware of their father’s intended application?

He doesn't have rights. He has responsibiities. The children have rights.

He could push for 50:50. It's not at all a given he would get it. Do not give in to him because he bullies you. What is certain is that once you agree to something it will be very difficult to reverse it.

Mediation will cost quite a lot unless you are entitled to legal aid. You can self represent in court so it needn't be expensive. You don't need expensive lawyers. You just need to be able to speak in your children's best interests and put your views forward.

The court only look at the children's best interests. They don't care about anything else.

He can't have everything to suit him and that makes me feel you have a strong case.

The children are slightly too young to be guaranteed a say but the court may take their feelings into consideration.

Is he hoping for 50/50 so that he can stop paying maintenance? That's what it sounds like to me.
How will he manage 50/50 during the time when he is abroad? That seems like a none starter really.

I'd say he was trying to intimidate and control you. Has he always been a bully? Let him take you to court, though I doubt he will.

Yes they know he wants more overnights and school runs but they are happy with it as it is.

I would unblock and keep a record of all abusive communications. Don't get drawn in and be civil back.

Yes, start to keep a detailed record of all his threats and intimidation, you can produce it in court if need be.

Keep all the abusive emails

As for more access, can he collect them on the Friday rather than the Saturday? Might also be worth asking him if he can have the dc for half the holidays, but he can choose which weeks, but he has to tell you which weeks at the start of the year to allow you to arrange your work schedule? Also could he have them for a night in the week?

It's highly unlikely he'll get 50/50 access unless it's in the dc best interests. I also doubt your ex would want them 50/50 if he likes going out socialising so much, do you think it's a ploy just to piss you off and suck you back into interacting with you?

Yes I think that’s the idea he wants them 50% of the time he is here in the uk and he wants to pay nothing because he said he needs a rep bedroom flat in the best part of town!!
He has made it clear that he wants to chose what dates he has them in the school holidays as well..I have said no because I can only take leave from work when the kids are on holiday and my leave has to fit around my team at work, I don’t have a penny to my name I’m actually in debt so I cannot pay for childcare during the the school holidays either!

Some days we don’t even have food and I wonder how on earth i’m Going to put petrol in the car to get to work, I did consider suicide at one point when I was very ill with flu and tonsillitis I just couldn’t cope with any more and I went to the doctor and told them I was having suicidsl thoughts, they did nothing and I was fine as soon as I got over the illness but I know he will use this against me so I’m worried sick.

The car has a tyre has been slashed I’m pretty sure he did it but I don’t have proof as he picks up his stuff from storage in the garage which my car is parked by.

After more abuse from him today he sent me a revised holiday plan with the dates he is demanding

I’m not sure how much more I can take :(
My children are fantastic but every day is such a fight, a struggle just to live.

to look reasonable which is what courts like; now kids are 9-10 offer the whole of every 2nd weekend ie from 3pm friday dropping them at school on monday morning so it's an increase and keep midweeks school finish till bedtime
ask for holidays to be agreed several weeks in advance,
share holidays and christmas
one night in 2 weeks is not a lot for a NRP so upping it to 3 nights would look better while a court would probably not give 50/50 I think they would increase it from just 1 night in 14 being realistic to 3-4 in 14
I am sure he is being really difficult and making things hard for you and that is really tough but asking to up from 1 in 14 nights is not going to look unreasonable in a court or mediation

keep abusive messages it may not stop him getting more nights but at least if you respond reasonably it will make you look better at parenting and show you are seriously putting kids first not yourself

hope you can get some help with debts, can you get them restructured via citizens advice or CAP maintenance payments should not affect benefits or debt repayments schmes

Have you considered contacting Step Change? It's a debt help charity, they don't charge you, but will look into ways of reducing your debt.

Also seriously look at the holiday situation it's not unreasonable for you to agree the dates between you rather than him being told which weeks by you. Yes he's a pain but it's all about you being able to control some of this whilst looking perfectly reasonable therefore there is nothing to argue against.

Can't convince myself that 50:50 shared care results in zero Child Maintenance. Certainly the online calculator does not bear that out. However, the document below seems a bit contradictory

www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance

The CMS of 590/month looks about right as per the calculator. That is minimum the NRP must pay. No obligation to pay more than that and anything paid in addition is voluntary. However, being realistic there are always more costs associated with children than what the calculator produces.

In this case OP's ex works out of UK 12 to 14 weeks per year. So unless he has them more time than the Mother when he is in the UK how the overall split going to reach 50:50?

Sounds like he is making trouble for the sake of it.

Can't convince myself that 50:50 shared care results in zero Child Maintenance.

The practical effect is that it does.
Strictly speaking the CMS are entitled to take a long hard look at whether one of the parents takes responsibility for more of the day to day stuff than the other, and can decide that despite a genuine equal split of time the children actually live with one parent more than the other. Seldom if ever happens though.

The practical effect is that it does

Wow. Seems rough on the RP if they earn a lot less than NRP (as in my case).

However, as there are 365 night in a year (excluding leap years) not possible to achieve an exact 50:50 split on nights anyway?

Another relevant point is that the CMS require a court order if the parents don’t agree it’s an exact 50/50 split (and MTBAs point about an odd number of nights is valid). If the RP says it’s 1 night a week when it’s actually 3, the CMS will go with what the RP says unless the NRP can produce a court order that says otherwise.

However, as there are 365 night in a year (excluding leap years) not possible to achieve an exact 50:50 split on nights anyway?

I hope I don't have to explain how this is wrong.

Also seriously look at the holiday situation it's not unreasonable for you to agree the dates between you rather than him being told which weeks by you

I agree.

If the child spends an odd number of nights with local authority then parents could split the remaining nights equally when there are 365 nights in a year. For a leap year child would have to stay with local authorities for an even number of nights in the year to enable the parents to split the remaining nights equally.

In those 2 scenarios then an exact 50:50 split of nights is possible.

Maybe Collaborate has something else up their sleeve?

FFS not you again.

An alternating weekly arrangement (7 nights with one, then 7 nights with the other) is a true equal split.

52 x 7 = 364 ?

What happened to the 365th day? Unless CMS base their definition of a year on 52 weeks as opposed to 365 days? Maybe they do?

However, seem to remember that when converting an annual salary to a weekly amount the process is divide the annual salary by 365 and then multiply by 7.

The online calculator does not make provision for an equal 50:50 night split which is why it is confusing even though the CMS document that details how they calculate child maintenance does actually say if shared care is 50:50 then no maintenance is payable.

Legal interpretation apart I think if child care is spilt 50:50 then the higher earner should contribute more.

You can't argue with stupid.

I don’t think that’s a helpful response. I’m most definitely not MTBAs biggest fan but my understanding was also that the CMS worked on nights over a year and I couldn’t figure out how they did an exact split on 365 either.

The answer is that they look at the reality and don't take an artificial period of 365 days.

I really have nothing more to add on this thread.

That isn’t my personal experience - as a parent who has used the CMS and has a 50/50 arrangement but okay.