Ex taking me back to court. Rant needed!!

[JoJo2106]

Hi all, need a bit of a rant aplogies if a bit long lol.

Me and ex are going through family court since end of June. He has no contact with our now 13 month old since April when ds was 7 month old due to a domestic violence incident at my home where he attacked me whilst he was holding ds. The court ordered no contact until matters were investigated fully. Fast forward to August hearing and the court has said contact can resume but it was ordered due to ds very young age and the length if time since ex has seen ds that contact started in contact centre for 4 sessions at 2 hours a time. We asked for 6 sessions but they ordered 4. There's only one centre where we live am not sure about other places.

Anyway in the meantime the contact centre has temporarily closed due to the coordinator having personal problems and has since quit. But have been assured it will reopen soon. My ex's solicitor then contacted my solicitor to say he was applying for the next nearest contact centre which is miles away. I have no transport and ds is up through the night at least twice as he's very restless sleeper and also with teething. So due to us been up a lot in the night ds often sleeps later and I don't wake him as he needs the sleep. I told my solicitor to say there is no way I can manage a centre that is miles away with no transport for morning contact. It would be extremely difficult to do with an exhausted 1 year old. There is no way I would make it for the time they say plus getting buses/trains then I have no idea where the contact centre is when I do get there and would have to walk on foot. All my ex has to do is get in his car and drive but it would be a nightmare for me and ds. Nothing he does or wants is in ds's interest everything is to suit him.

Anyway as I refused to go to the other centre and said it would be easier and better for ds for our local one to reopen we'd wait for that as I know it won't be long, He has applied back to court to basically force me to go to the other. Also as the other centre is fortnightly he's took it upon himself with his solicitor to reduce the sessions to 2 sessions rather than 4. The local one is weekly. How is a baby that hasn't seen someone for half of their life meant to get to know someone in 2 sessions and then he just gets to have him on his own after that? Hasn't a clue how to care for him has never even bathed him or fed him proper food or anything. Itll be like going with a stranger after 2 sessions.

I have contacted the other centre and they are completely full until after Christmas but yet we are still going to court to supposedly make me go. Our local one will be open well before that. More hundreds of pounds down the drain paying solicitors for a hearing that doesn't need to happen. Even if the court made me go to the other centre I can't Any way as there's no places. What an idiot I am dealing with.

The court also ordered back in August for ex to do 6 months of alcohol tests as he drinks every day and it's still not been done and is been purposefully delayed by him and his solicitor.

I am absolutely pissed off. It's like he wants to make the whole thing as difficult as possible. Not a thought for how ds may react. Cos as bad as it sounds ds will not even know who he is so will need to get used to him and you can't do that in 2 sessions. Will the court not see that as a waste of time the fact that my ex knows there are no spaces in the other centre but yet he's taking it to court Any way?

Yes.

Ask your solicitor to do a costs schedule for summary assessment to get him ordered to pay the costs of the unnecessary hearing.

Not guaranteed, but a fighting chance of a costs order in those circumstances.

I can do that? Thanks @MrsBertBibby i will mention that. I have a feeling he may just ask for contact with say his dad supervising or something seeing as contact centre is closed but that is basically just the same as lone contact starting straight away and that isn't what the court ordered. Ds is still a baby and won't know him. Handing him over to him right away us just the same as me handing him over to a stranger in the street and them driving off in a car with him. He needed gradually reintroduced to him, the contact centre also informed me when they were open that they wouldn't let a child be distressed or cry for longer than 5 or 10 mins before contacting me whereas my ex wouldn't do that. If he does ask for this contact is it reasonable for me to refuse for the reasons I said? Also it isn't my fault the contact centre is closed an that is what was originally ordered.

But as for the original issue, I just cant believe he is still taking it back to court when there are no spaces. My solicitor said he can also bring up about the delay in the alcohol tests too.

If I were him I'd want to see my child as id akready missed half his life so I too would go to court. Is his Dad not able to supervise for a short time?

Yes they had already ordered contact to start in the contact centre but it closed after we had been to court the last time but it is hardly my fault it has closed. Ds does not react well to strangers and that is basically what my ex is now. I can't just hand ds over and let him drive off in a car with him while ds is screaming cos he's with a stranger. He doesn't know him. Hence why the court ordered contact in a contact centre so to reintroduce him gradually to him.

My ex tried to run off with ds and attacked me whilst holding ds and was arrested. The court ordered no contact so that is why he's missed half of his life. The family court process is slow.

Redhelen - the. OP would be extremely poorly advised to break the court order. The court ordered supervised contact for an extremely good reason - the best interests of the child. For the OP to allow unsupervised contact at this stage would mean that the court would skip to the NRP having unsupervised contact immediately because the RP allowed it already!

Another reason for not wanting lone contact to start yet is he has delayed having alcohol tests for 2 months now so nobody knows what level he is drinking and ds is 13 months old with no voice. His safety is paramount and ex has already drove a car with ds in whrn he was only days old after he stayed up drinking all night looking after him. This is why I ended the relationship when ds was only 2 weeks old.

I'm not suggesting she allows unsupervised contact, merely point
Ing out that it doesn't seem unreasonable to me for the baby s father to go back to court.

No but it is unreasonable for him to still be taking it back to court when the reason for it is to force me to go to the contact centre miles away and my solicitor has already forwarded on the details to his solicitor to say that there are no spaces in that centre until the new year. Plus our local centre is going to be back open in a number of weeks. It is an unnecessary hearing as I doubt the court is going to grant unsupervised contact as thar is the reason they ordered contact in a contact centre to start with. Otherwise they'd have just granted him unsupervised contact at the last hearing.

Courts will be keen to get contact reestablished asap though. Why is his dad unsuitable?

@RedHelenB there isn't much can be done though as our local centre is closed and there is no spaces in the next nearest one so even if they are keen to get contact up an running asap it isn't possible if there is no centre to go to. I would be extremely pissed off if they just said he could take him on his own straight away as ds has not seen him for 6 months which to us is nothing but to ds its half of his life. Awful to say but he will be literally a stranger to ds now and there is no way I could just hand him over to someone he doesn't know put him in a car and drive off with him with no familiar face in sight that would be completely distressing for ds. And after all it's supposed to be the best interest of the child not just what the parent wants. It needs to be inn the centre so he can get to know him.

Where do I start? He has a drink problem and drinks every day. I ended the relationship when ds was only 2 weeks old as i knew he wouldn't change. Drove his car with ds in when only days old after sat up drinking all night looking after him. Took ds around cannabis use against my wishes when he had contact with him. Tried to run off with him an said he wasn't returning him and then attacked me whilst holding ds. He has delayed the alcohol tests that were ordered in August. I am guessing he is trying to cut down to show a better reading but will go straight back to it afterwards.

Oh and he also has no idea about his basic care. He is early 40s and has never even handled a baby before our ds and with us splitting up so early on he didn't experience much and even when he did have contact when we split up he had to ask when to change nappies, has never bathed him never fed him proper food before and used to bring him bavk in heavily soiled nappies claiming he didnt know. The drink is mg main issue and with him delaying the alcohol tests for 2 months I would be pretty shocked if they ordered contact on his own if he asked for it. Ds is a baby still and has no voice of his own so it's not like he can say daddy is drinking etc

@jojo2106 I would ignore redHelenB. I would do as MrsBert said. Remember to mention that he hasn’t taken his test.

I meant why is your exs dad not able to supervise contact as you mentioned that possibility earlier? Feel free to ignore me but I always find it useful to have a variety of possibilities so I know what I might be dealing with.

@redhelenb because the court ordered contact at a contact centre. I wouldn’t trust the ex’s family to supervise apporiately.

@redhelenb this is the ops one year old baby. The ex is clearly not to be trusted for unsupervised contact, would you really go ‘oh the alcoholic who drove drunk with my baby and attacked me while holding him- his dad is going to be great and call me as soon as baby has been crying with his son for 10 minutes? Here you go!’

I wouldn’t , for my child’s safety and well being.

Contact was ordered at a contact centre with the idea I it would start asap. As due to outside circumstances that hasn't happened the court may well now look at other options hence why from the father's pov I can see why he's taken it back to court.

Possibly because the dad might protect the son and minimise the sons behaviour plus (and I'm assuming this) he will be a stranger to her baby too

Just tell the court that the other contact Centre is unavailable until Christmas- do you have this in writing?

Then If he does try to go for unsupervised, I'd bring up the drinking and lack of alcohol testing yet and fight it that way.

Is there someone from your family that could supervise?

@RedHelenB my exes dad is also a stranger as someone else has said. Ds does not react well with strangers he never leaves me and it's the same as me just stopping a perfect stranger in the street an handing ds to them to drive away in a car with him. Can you imagine how distressing that would be for a baby of this age?

@OliviaBenson I don't have it in writing but I can get it in writing and I had already thought about that myself to be honest so thanks for reminding me. I have an older daughter too who actually works I the nursery where the contact centre is held normally and she has even took a photo of the photo that's on the door saying about the centre being closed and that they are hoping to reopen in a few weeks.

No-one In my family will supervise they hate him as he even threatened my older daughter when he attacked me. And I have had nothing but abuse from him and his family. He comes from a family of alcoholics. His mum and uncle both dies of alcoholism, he himself is a heavy drinker and his sister is borderline alcoholic or as I call her a functional alcoholic. Same as him really. Ds's safety is paramount to me and the main issue is the drinking so yes I will be fighting it that way if he asks for unsupervised..surely the court won't look favourably on him delaying the alcohol tests either?

I think the stranger thino might not really wash . After all a childminder starts off a stranger! But you definitely do need to remind the court about the alcohol tests.,

Have you actually got a court date or has the application just gone in?

My ex was ordered to do the domestic violence perpetrators programme which was every Saturday morning for 2 hours over 6 months. Contact was not ordered while he was doing this. I've been going through the system for almost 2.5 years now since my son was around 10 months. Final hearing this month.

It isn't easy but it's your job to protect your child at every stage. The fact that the contact centre is closed is beyond your control and the other isn't accessible so contact will have to wait. Don't be intimidated by solicitors letters as you can get a solicitor to write anything and they will since they're being paid. Don't let your child anywhere near that man unless explicitly ordered to.

Good luck

@RedHelenB yes they do but the difference being a child minder would contact me if ds was distressed my ex wouldn't he'd let him scream and cry. I know him and I know he would do just that. Yes my solicitor has already said he will be bringing up the alcohol tests.

@Doyoumind yes we have a date it's next week

As PP said, his solicitor will probably write anything they are told to without questioning it. I found this to be the case with my ex, whereas my solicitor actually advised me.

You simply need to state to the court that you are keeping up your side - you've been in contact with both the local centre and the other one to confirm what can be done to facilitate contact. You are keen (lie) for contact to progress as long as it's based on the previous court order. He, on the other hand, has not been tested. He's not done his bit to show he is committed to increasing contact. This might raise the question as to whether the contact centre should be increased to 6 visits from 4, if anything.

I hope the court hearing goes well for you. I know how stressful it is and how worried you feel for your DS.

Childminders are dbs tested, offsted rated and safeguarding informed. It would be a pretty safe bet ex’s dad is none of these given the background. You also have a good chance the childminders whole family including the ones they have brought up are not alcoholics.