Ex taking me back to court. Rant needed!!

[JoJo2106]

Hi all, need a bit of a rant aplogies if a bit long lol.

Me and ex are going through family court since end of June. He has no contact with our now 13 month old since April when ds was 7 month old due to a domestic violence incident at my home where he attacked me whilst he was holding ds. The court ordered no contact until matters were investigated fully. Fast forward to August hearing and the court has said contact can resume but it was ordered due to ds very young age and the length if time since ex has seen ds that contact started in contact centre for 4 sessions at 2 hours a time. We asked for 6 sessions but they ordered 4. There's only one centre where we live am not sure about other places.

Anyway in the meantime the contact centre has temporarily closed due to the coordinator having personal problems and has since quit. But have been assured it will reopen soon. My ex's solicitor then contacted my solicitor to say he was applying for the next nearest contact centre which is miles away. I have no transport and ds is up through the night at least twice as he's very restless sleeper and also with teething. So due to us been up a lot in the night ds often sleeps later and I don't wake him as he needs the sleep. I told my solicitor to say there is no way I can manage a centre that is miles away with no transport for morning contact. It would be extremely difficult to do with an exhausted 1 year old. There is no way I would make it for the time they say plus getting buses/trains then I have no idea where the contact centre is when I do get there and would have to walk on foot. All my ex has to do is get in his car and drive but it would be a nightmare for me and ds. Nothing he does or wants is in ds's interest everything is to suit him.

Anyway as I refused to go to the other centre and said it would be easier and better for ds for our local one to reopen we'd wait for that as I know it won't be long, He has applied back to court to basically force me to go to the other. Also as the other centre is fortnightly he's took it upon himself with his solicitor to reduce the sessions to 2 sessions rather than 4. The local one is weekly. How is a baby that hasn't seen someone for half of their life meant to get to know someone in 2 sessions and then he just gets to have him on his own after that? Hasn't a clue how to care for him has never even bathed him or fed him proper food or anything. Itll be like going with a stranger after 2 sessions.

I have contacted the other centre and they are completely full until after Christmas but yet we are still going to court to supposedly make me go. Our local one will be open well before that. More hundreds of pounds down the drain paying solicitors for a hearing that doesn't need to happen. Even if the court made me go to the other centre I can't Any way as there's no places. What an idiot I am dealing with.

The court also ordered back in August for ex to do 6 months of alcohol tests as he drinks every day and it's still not been done and is been purposefully delayed by him and his solicitor.

I am absolutely pissed off. It's like he wants to make the whole thing as difficult as possible. Not a thought for how ds may react. Cos as bad as it sounds ds will not even know who he is so will need to get used to him and you can't do that in 2 sessions. Will the court not see that as a waste of time the fact that my ex knows there are no spaces in the other centre but yet he's taking it to court Any way?

@Doyoumind thank you. Yes I had all the solicitors letters at the very start before any court hearings but now his solicitor and mine tend to just email each other.

Yes I will definitely make the point of how I have contacted these places direct to find out aboyt when contact can take place. And as you say ges not kept up to his side in having alcohol tests done. They have purposefully delayed it for 2 months. It doesn't take that long to arrange. I just hope the court sees the best interest for ds and keeps it to the contact centre as I will be very shocked if they don't.

Thank you I hope so too. This is honestly the most stressful thing I have gone through in my life. I certainly won't look back on the baby stage with fond memories, I will just look back and think how horrendous a time it was and how depressed it has made me feel. This should have been an amazing time in my life having another baby. I have a 20 year old daughter who I had at age 20? I then developed breast cancer age 29. Lost my breast and weng through chemo. Then I developed endometriosis which is very painful. I was actually booked in for a hysterectomy a couple of months after I found out I was pregnant. So after all my health problems and the fact I was booked for an ok to remove my womb to be pregnant was unbelievable. He's a bit if a miracle baby. But the whole thing has been tainted

I'm sorry this time has been tainted for you after all your problems but think what it would have been like if you had actually been with this man during this time. You've done the best thing by your DS.

I would like to reassure you it will be over after this but I'm aware this is just the first stage of establishing contact. I would use the opportunity of being at court to pin down as many details as possible regarding what might happen after these contact sessions. The more you can cover off now, the fewer times you are going to have to go through this in the future. It's very easy after you've been to court to find things that should have been covered off haven't been. That's my experience and it's led to further court action in my case.

Thank you yes that's why I ended the relationship so soon after ds was born.

Yes i know i can onlh imagine how many more times we will be back to court for various things. After we had been to the hearing in August they set another hearing for November, I think that was to see how contact is going etc. But now obviously this has happened with the contact centre closing and ex has took it back to court now I don't really see the point in the November hearing as contact probably won't have been started by then. What sort of things could we sort of deal with at court now to save going back in future? I can't really think of anything other than I know ex will eventually want overnight stays but until I know his alcohol us under control I don't want any overnight visits. I know he will eventually ask to take ds abroad too which terrifies me as all he does is drink. To be honest I just don't trust him to look after him full stop. I will be a nervous wreck whenever he has him.

In which case, get it in the court order that an increase to overnight contact, or whatever, won't happen until X date or after certain criteria have been met. Getting this agreed in the court will give you some control and some 'down time' before he has you back in court again.

Don't be afraid of considering what will happen in the future. If you go in with a plan and a proposal you may get it written into the order. You shouldn't need to worry about him going abroad for a few years yet but maybe try to get it agreed that travel abroad or contact for more than a couple of days won't be in DS's best interests until he's X age.

My point is that the more you have in the court order, the less he can argue about. It's no guarantee but it would put you in a stronger position.

Yes good idea I will have to discuss with my solicitor what I would like brought up at a further hearing. This hearing is only listed for an hour as it is simply just a hearing to make me go to the other contact centre. Just hope him an his solicitor don't have anything else up their sleeves!

Well judging by his previous solicitors letters I got months ago, they had a lost of demands of wgat he was looking for and he was actually wanting overseas travel to start next year when ds is 2 for 1 week then the following year increasing to 10 days and year after that to a fortnight. I dont think it's enjoyable for a 2 year old to go abroad and ds hates the heat. So yes he will be looking to go abroad sooner rather than later. He also wants alternate Christmases as in ds staying overnight with him from Christmas eve. Plus various other demands he listed.

But I definitely do not want any overnights until I know his alcohol is under control. These alcohol tests were first mentioned at the first hearing back in June then they actually ordered them in August. So really they have gave him a heads up an gave him 4 months to cut down it's ridiculous. It won't be a true reading of how much he usually drinks. So I am going to say I want the tests repeated in say 6 months time funded by him to show he has stuck to cutting down.